Can You Say Your Parent’s Name Upon Being Asked? Halacha of Mentioning a Father or Mother’s Name:[1]
It’s a very common situation—whether you’re being called up for an aliyah, filling out a form, making a Mi Shebeirach, or simply answering someone in conversation—at some point, you’re asked to state your father’s or mother’s name. Most people instinctively answer without a second thought, yet many also recall hearing that halacha places strong emphasis on showing respect to parents, and are hence hesitant to say their name. This creates a natural question: How do we balance the need to communicate clearly with the obligation of honoring our parents? Are we allowed to say their names at all? Does it make a difference if they are present, or if it is in a formal setting like davening or writing? Let’s explore the practical rules and how they apply in everyday life.
Scope of This Article
This topic has been addressed in a different format in a previous volume—Topics in Practical Halacha, Volume 4—where the broader discussion of mentioning a parent’s name is explored, including related issues such as referring to others who share the same name as one’s parent. However, the focus of this article is narrower and more practical: how one should properly state a parent’s name when directly asked. By honing in on this common, real-life scenario, we aim to provide clear and practical guidance for situations that arise in everyday life.
- Background Halachos: The General Prohibition Against Saying Their Name[2]
It is forbidden to call one’s parent [father or mother[3]] by their name.[4]
After Death:[5] This prohibition of saying a parent’s name applies whether the parents are alive, and even after their death.
Not in Their Presence And a Common Name:[6] This prohibition of saying a parent’s name applies even when not in their presence, and even if the parents have a common name.
How to Refer to the Parent: Rather than referring to one’s parent by name, one is to refer to them as “Avi Mori/My father my teacher” [or Imi Morasi/My mother my teacher[7]].
Cases of Exception – Prefacing Honorary Title or the Title Aba: Despite the above ruling, we find in scripture and Talmud instances where sons called their father by their first name, although adding the term Aba to the name.[8] Accordingly, some Poskim[9] conclude that it is permitted to mention the name of one’s father so long as he adds an honorable title to the name. Likewise, some Poskim[10] rule that it is only an obligation to mention the term Aba Mori when saying a Torah teaching in the name of the parent, however, regarding mundane matters, it is permitted to say the name of the father so long as one mentions the term Aba, my father. It makes no difference whether one first says the term Aba and then says the name, or first says the name and then the term Aba.[11] From other Poskim[12], however, it is evident that one may only mention one’s father’s name, even with an honorary title, if it is a time of need. In addition, from other Poskim[13] it is evident that one may never call his father by his name in the presence of his father, even if an honorary title is added.
- The Law: May one say his parents name upon being asked?[14]
One who is asked his father’s [or mother’s] name, may answer the name of his father [or mother], although he must add an honorary title to the name, such as “I am the son of Harav Plony.”[15] Alternatively, he may say my mother Plony, or my father Plony, or Plony my mother or father.[16] Some Poskim[17] rule that even saying “the son of Plony” suffices.
By An Aliyah or Mi Shebeirach: When saying a Mi Shebeirach for one’s father one is to say “Plony Ben Reb Ploni” and when being called up for an Aliya one is to say Ploni Ben Reb Ploni.”
Writing one’s parents name:[18] It is permitted to write the name of one’s parent, so long as one prefaces it, or concludes it, with an honorary title, such as my Rebbe, or my father or mother. When signing one’s name [on a Kesuba or other document in which we write the first name and the name of the father], there is no need to write any preface to his father’s name, and one may simply write Plony Ben Plony. Nonetheless, some are meticulous and write Plony Ben Leadoni Avi Ploni.”[19]
Two-Sentence Summary:
It is forbidden to call or refer to one’s parents by their name, even after their passing and even when not in their presence. However, when necessary—such as being asked, in prayer, or formal contexts—one may mention the name in a respectful manner with an honorary title added.
Practical Examples:
- David is called up for an aliyah and asked for his father’s name. He responds, “David ben Reb Moshe,” which is fully appropriate.
- Sarah is filling out a form and needs to write her mother’s name. She writes, “Rivka,” showing proper respect.
- Moshe is davening for his ill father. In his tefillah, he says “Moshe ben Yaakov,” without adding any titles, as this is proper in prayer.
Table of Laws:
| Scenario | What To Do |
| Referring to parents normally | Do not use their first name; use respectful titles |
| Mentioning name with honorific | Preferably avoid unless needed |
| In parent’s presence | Do not say their name even with a title |
| When asked their name | May say it with an honorific (e.g., “my father Plony”) |
| Prayer on behalf of parent | Say their name; no honorific needed |
| Writing their name | Use an honorific unless in formal documents |
| Formal documents (e.g., aliyah) | May say “Plony ben Plony” |
[1] Shulchan Aruch Yoreh Deah 240:4
[2] Michaber Y.D. 240:2; Tur 240; Rambam Mamarim 6; Kiddushin 31b
[3] Ben Ish Chaiy Shoftim 2:4
[4] The reason: This is due to the obligation to fear one’s parents. [Michaber ibid; See however Minchas Chinuch Mitzvah 33]
[5] Taz 240:4; Aruch Hashulchan 240:14
[6] Taz 240:4; Aruch Hashulchan 240:14
[7] Nussach in Birchas Hamazon
[8] In scripture we find that Yaakov said “Visheim Avosaiy Avraham, ViYitzchak” [ Bereishis 48:16] and Shlomo said “Dovid my father” ; Gittin 14b: Reb Dustaiy said “If the Nehardean would have killed Dustaiy, who would leave Yanai my father a person like me?; Pesachim 112a: Rashbi said “I say to Yochaiy my father”; Bava Basra 56a: Rebbe Yossi said “Even if my father Chalafta is amongst them”
[9] Rama 242:14 regarding one’s Rebbe; Yad Avraham 242; Aruch Hashulchan 240:14; Ben Ish Chaiy Shoftim 2:4-5; Yosef Ometz 87; Yabia Omer Y.D. 2:15
[10] Aruch Hashulchan 240:15; Ben Ish Chaiy Shoftim 2:5 concludes that from the letter of the law it is permitted to mention the name of the father with the addition of Aba, and there is no obligation to say Mori. However, since this has become the widespread custom, it is therefore proper to be careful in this and say Reb Ploni or Mori Ploni.
The reason: As also the term Aba is an honorary title. [Ben Ish Chaiy Shoftim 2:5]
[11] Ben Ish Chaiy ibid in name of Chida
[12] Rashal in Yam Shel Shlomo Kiddushin 65; Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:2
[13] Shach 242:24 regarding a Rebbe; See however Pischeiy Teshuvah 242:10 in name of Regel yeshara and Likkutei Peri Chadash who permits even in front of him
[14] Rashal in Yam Shel Shlomo Kiddushin 65; Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:2; Aruch Hashulchan 240:14; Ben Ish Chaiy Shoftim 2:4
[15] Pischeiy Teshuvah ibid; Ben Ish Chaiy ibid “Aba Mari Plony or Mor Avi Plony”
[16] Aruch Hashulchan 240:14 based on many sources in Talmud ibid; Ben Ish Chaiy Shoftim 2:5 concludes that from the letter of the law it is permitted to mention the name of the father with the addition of Aba, and there is no obligation to say Mori. However, since this has become the widespread custom, it is therefore proper to be careful in this.
[17] Yabia Omer Y.D. 2:15; However, see Ben Ish Chaiy ibid 2:5 from whom it is evident that only in writing may one say Ben Plony and not in speech
[18] Rashal in Yam Shel Shlomo Kiddushin 65; Ruach Chaim Y.D. 240:2; Ben Ish Chaiy Shoftim 2:5
[19] Ben Ish Chaiy Shoftim 2:5; However, from Rashal ibid and Ruach Chaim ibid it is implied that one must write an honorary title