Contradicting the words, statements, and opinions, of one’s parents:[1]
Included within the mitzvah of Mora Av Va’eim, revering one’s parents, is the prohibition against contradicting their words and opinions. This law applies not only to matters of Torah and Halacha, but also to ordinary conversations, personal opinions, and even stories related by a parent. At the same time, the Poskim discuss numerous qualifications and exceptions, including whether the prohibition applies when the parent is absent, whether Torah discussions are different from mundane matters, and how one may respectfully express a differing opinion when necessary. Accordingly, while a child must exercise great care not to undermine a parent’s authority or openly oppose their statements, there are circumstances in which a child may respectfully present an alternative view, correct a mistake for the parent’s benefit, or engage in legitimate Torah debate. This Halacha discusses the boundaries of these laws.
- The General Prohibition
One may not contradict the words of one’s parents [father or mother, on any subject]. [This applies whether one outright argues on his parents by saying something like “Not true” or “Nonsense,” or sides with an individual who is arguing on his parents, such as by saying “I agree with your opinion,” either way it is considered that he is contradicting his parents.[2] This applies whether the father states his opinion on a certain matter, or relates a story, nonetheless, a child may not contradict his father even if the child knows it to not be true or knows that his father is exaggerating its details.[3]]
- Respectfully Expressing a Different View
It is permitted for a child to make a statement which can be implied to be contrary to his father’s statement, so long as he does not explicitly contradict his father, and does not make the statement in an assured way, and says it in a respectful manner.[4]
- Example: Instead of saying: “That is wrong.” one may say: “Perhaps there may be another way to understand it.” or: “I thought I heard differently.”
- Does the Prohibition Apply When the Parent Is Absent?
Some Poskim[5] rule that the above prohibition to contradict the opinion of one’s parent applies even not in the presence of his parent. The majority of Poskim[6], however, rule that it is permitted to contradict their words when not in their presence. However, some opinions limit this to only Torah related matters.[7]
- Torah related matters:[8]
Some Poskim[9] rule that the above prohibition applies to even Torah related matters, when one is in front of the parent. Furthermore, even when one is not in front of his father, such as when writing a Halachic responsa or Halachic rulings, he should not mention his father by name if he plans to argue on his opinion, and is rather to mention the name of another rabbi who holds similar to his father.[10] Other Poskim[11], however, rule that this prohibition only applies to mundane matters and not to Torah related matters, of which it is permitted for a son to argue on his father. According to all, it is permitted to have an open Halachic discussion and debate with one’s father on a certain topic in order to come to a final conclusion.[12] Likewise, it is permitted for a son who is qualified to give a halachic ruling on an actual case in order to prevent a mistake from being made, even if it contradicts his father’s opinion who is present.[13]
- If a Parent Requests One’s Opinion:[14]
If one’s parents ask them as to their opinion on a certain topic, they may express it even if it is opposite of the parent’s opinion.
|
Q&A May a child voice his opinion in a non-argumentative and noncontradictory manner, if it opposes the opinion of his father?[15] Some Poskim rule that it is permitted for a child to make a statement which can be implied to be contrary to his father’s statement, so long as he does not explicitly contradict his father and does not make the statement in an assured way, and says it in a respectful manner.
May a child correct his parents for his parents’ own benefit?[16] It is permitted for a child to correct his parent in a situation where lack of doing so can cause pain or monetary damage to the parent. Nonetheless, the correction must be made in an honorable manner.
May one contradict his parents in writing, such as in an article ?[17] So long as the contradicting statement will not reach the eyes of his father, it is permitted to do so according to those who permit contradicting one’s father when not in their presence.
May one contradict his parents after their death?[18] Yes.
|
Two-Sentence Summary
A child may not directly contradict the words, opinions, or statements of a parent, whether regarding factual matters, personal opinions, or ordinary conversation, as this violates the mitzvah of Mora Av Va’eim. Nonetheless, a child may respectfully express a differing view, engage in Torah discussion, prevent mistakes, answer when asked for his opinion, and in certain circumstances disagree with a parent outside the parent’s presence.
Quick Reference Table
| Situation | Permitted? |
| Saying “You’re wrong” to a parent | No |
| Supporting someone arguing against a parent | No |
| Contradicting a parent’s story | No |
| Respectfully implying another possibility | Yes |
| Expressing an opinion when asked by a parent | Yes |
| Correcting a parent to avoid loss or harm | Yes |
| Torah discussion with one’s parent | Yes |
| Preventing a practical halachic error | Yes |
| Disagreeing with a parent outside their presence | Subject to dispute |
| Publishing a differing Torah view | Generally permitted according to lenient opinions |
| Disagreeing after a parent’s passing | Yes |
Practical Examples
Example 1
A father relates an event and mistakenly remembers a detail incorrectly. The child should avoid saying, “That never happened,” and should instead respond in a respectful manner, if at all.
Example 2
During a Torah discussion, a son proposes an alternative explanation to his father’s interpretation in order to clarify the sugya. This is permitted when done respectfully.
Example 3
A mother is about to make a financial mistake based on incorrect information. The child may respectfully point out the error to prevent loss.
Example 4
A father asks his child for his opinion regarding an important decision. The child may honestly state a differing view.
Example 5
A Rav writes a responsum that reaches a conclusion different from a ruling previously expressed by his father. According to many Poskim, this is permitted, especially if written respectfully and outside his father’s presence.
[1] Michaber Y.D. 240:2; Rambam Mamrim 6:3; Kiddushin 31b; See Hagahos Rebbe Akiva Eiger 240:2; Beir Sheva Perek Chelek; See Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:7-9; 14; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Morah Av Vaeim Vol. 42 pp. 585-589
[2] Shach 240:2; Beir Heiytiv 240:3
[3] Sefer Hamussar 5
[4] See Q&A!
[5] Shach 240:2; Derisha 240:3; Perisha 242:20; Beir Heiytiv 240:3; Shulchan Gavoa 242:41; Yalkut Meiam Loez Parshas Yisro
[6] Taz 240:3 that so is implied from Michaber ibid regarding Machria Devarav Befanav; Biur Hagr”a 240:3; Chayeh Adam 67:8; See Rambam Shechita 11:10 who argues on his father; Tur who argues many times on Rosh; Shut Rav Akiva Eiger 1:68; Aruch Hashulchan 240:12; Yifei Laleiv 3:9; Tiferes Yisrael Kiddushin 1:54; Chazon Ish Y.D. 149; Yad Sofer 22; Minchas Elazar 4:6
[7] Misgeres Hashulchan 143:2; Tiferes Yisrael ibid
[8] See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Morah Av Vaeim Vol. 42 pp. 587-589
[9] Implication of Taz 240:3; Rashal in Yam Shel Shlomo Kiddushin 1:67; Chayeh Adam 67:8; Ben Ish Chaiy Shoftim 2:3; Shevet Halevi 2:111-2See Rashi Kiddushin 31b; Tur 240 in name of Ramah; Aruch Hashulchan 240:12
[10] Taz 240:3 based on Tur C.M. 107 who argues on the opinion of his father regarding a certain matter although rather than mentioning his father’s opinion by name mentions a different opinion who held similar to his father. By doing so, he was able to honor and respect his father by not directly arguing on him.
[11] Beir Sheva Sanhedrin 110, brought in Hagahos Rav Akiva Eiger 240; Tzeida Laderech Parshas Kedoshim; Emek Hasheila Sheilasa 56:5 in opinion of Sheilasos; See Aruch Hashulchan 240:12
[12] Atzmos Yosef Kiddushin 30; Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:1; Aruch Hashulchan 240:12; Ben Ish Chaiy Shoftim 2:3; See Kiddushin 30b “a father and son who study Torah in the beginning become enemies of each other, although later become friends.”; Meiri Kiddushin ibid; See Chut Shani 240:4
[13] Rama 242:3 regarding a student with his teacher, and the same applies for a son with his father; Perisha 240:3; Taz 243; Gr”a 243; Sheilas Yaavetz 1:5; Cheker Halacha 243; Minchas Elazar 4:6; Nofes Tzufim Y.D. 137; Pachad Yitzchak Mareches Kibbud Ava Vaeim 42:2; Torah Temima Vayikra 19:3
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that a son may not give a Halachic ruling which contradicts that of his fathers, in the presence of his father, even if it applies to a current case at hand. [Shach 243:3 in name of Maharik Shoresh 140]
[14] Aruch Hashulchan 240:13
[15] See Rash Mishantz Toras Kohanim Kedoshim 1; Rabbeinu Hillel Toras Kohanim ibid; Moshav Zikeinim Shemos 20:12; Beir Sheva Sanhedrin 110a; Chazon Ish Y.D. 149:1; Shevet Halevi 2:111-2; Chut Shani 240:4; See Encyclopedia Talmudit p. 586-587 footnotes 252-259
[16] Vayivarech David 3:10
[17] Sdei Chemed Mareches Vav end of Kelal 31
[18] All Poskim who rule that one may contradict their parents when not in their presence; See Riy Kiddushin 31a; Shut Maharsham 1:52; 2:224; Minchas Elazar 4:6