Question:
A person has deeply hurt me on numerous occasions. I confronted him about what he did, but he never apologized, never attempted to make amends, and continues to behave in the same offensive manner. Am I nevertheless obligated to forgive him?
Answer:
According to the letter of the law, no.
The obligation to forgive generally arises when the offender recognizes his wrongdoing and seeks forgiveness. If a person caused another bodily or emotional pain and refuses to apologize or make amends, the victim is not obligated to remove the resentment from his heart and forgive him. In fact, the Alter Rebbe writes regarding one who caused his fellow pain that he is not required to forgive him until the offender requests forgiveness.
This is especially true if the offender was confronted regarding his behavior and was given a fair opportunity to explain himself, apologize, or seek reconciliation, yet chose not to do so. In such a case, the victim is not obligated to act as if nothing happened.
At the same time, one should distinguish between not forgiving and actively nurturing hatred. Even when halacha does not obligate forgiveness, it is still proper to avoid becoming consumed by bitterness and resentment. One should remain open to the possibility of reconciliation should the individual sincerely change his behavior and seek forgiveness in the future.
Furthermore, before allowing oneself to harbor resentment, halacha requires that one first attempt to address the matter directly and peacefully with the offender, as the verse states, “You shall surely rebuke your fellow.” The purpose of this confrontation is to give the other person an opportunity to explain, apologize, and restore the relationship. If that opportunity was given and rejected, then the victim has fulfilled his obligation.
Conclusion:
If someone deeply hurt you, you approached him about it, and he refuses to apologize or change his behavior, then you are not obligated to forgive him. Nevertheless, one should avoid cultivating hatred as a lifelong mindset and should remain willing to make peace if the offender ever sincerely seeks reconciliation.
Sources:
Admur Hilchos Ovrei Derachim 10; Admur 156:6-8; Rambam Deios 6:6-7; Yuma 23a