5. When Silence is a Sin – Education in Matters of Tzenius & Human Sexuality
A. The Delicate Balance of Educating the Adolescent
One of the more sensitive and consequential responsibilities entrusted to parents is guiding their children through the stage of puberty. It is a time marked not only by physical development, but also by emotional awakening and emerging awareness of human relationships and desire. The question is not whether to educate, but how and when—for both excess and neglect carry their own dangers. In the following sections, we will examine the pros and cons of both excessive exposure and the neglect of discussion, ultimately presenting a balanced approach, as guided by both child psychologists and Mechanchim.
B. The cons of informing and exposing the child:
On one hand, there is a real and serious concern in exposing a child too early, or to information that he has no need yet to know. Such exposure does not merely inform—it can awaken. When a child is introduced prematurely to concepts and realities beyond his stage, he may be drawn into an internal struggle that he was not yet meant to face.
Exposure to evil leads its transgression: In a Mamar in Torah Or[1], the Alter Rebbe explains that the sin of Adam HaRishon in eating from the Tree of Knowledge was not simply an act of disobedience, it was the acquisition of knowledge of evil itself—daas tov v’ra. This knowledge does not remain passive; rather, it has the power to generate desire. The sin of eating from the Tree of Knowledge introduced something far more dangerous than the mere gaining of intellectual awareness of good and evil, rather, it caused the internalization of evil within the human being. Prior to the sin, Adam lived in a state of purity in which evil existed only as an external reality, not something experienced internally. After eating from the Tree of Knowledge, however, good and evil became intertwined within the human heart itself. As a result, the knowledge of evil did not remain a detached concept—it awakened a desire for it. The Alter Rebbe explains that this is the fundamental difference between human beings and angels. Angels can possess knowledge of good and evil as simple information, without any personal attraction to evil. Man, however, is a penimi—an internal being. What he knows, he internalizes. And once internalized, it shapes his emotions, his inclinations, and even his perception of right and wrong. Thus, the very act of knowing evil can create a pull toward it, and the very awareness of certain realities can itself create an inclination toward them.
Implication for our children: Applied to our context, when a child is exposed prematurely to ideas or images related to desire and immorality, that exposure does not remain neutral. It becomes part of his internal world. It can awaken feelings, curiosities, and drives that would not have otherwise existed at that stage. In effect, one places the child onto a battlefield before he has been equipped to fight and before he has developed the maturity and internal tools to properly navigate it. Yet, on the other hand, there exists an equally significant danger: saying nothing at all, as we will explore next. This concept is echoed in the words of the Lubavitcher Rebbe (Igros Kodesh Vol. 20 p. 175), who addresses the difficulty of educating adolescents in matters related to physical desire. The Rebbe explains that even speaking about such topics can itself awaken and stimulate the inclination, in line with the teaching of our Sages that “if one satisfies it, it becomes hungrier.” Accordingly, he emphasizes that such discussions must only take place with great caution, under the guidance of trained and suitable individuals, and in a private and controlled setting—not in a public or casual manner.
C. The cons of silence:
Due to natural discomfort and modesty, many parents avoid the subject of sexuality entirely, assuming that silence preserves innocence. In truth, this approach often yields the opposite result. Misconceptions: A child who is not educated by his parents does not remain ignorant—he becomes self-taught. This education may come from peers, from external influences, or from his own incomplete and often mistaken interpretations. Adolescents frequently trust their own understanding over that of others, and without proper guidance, this can lead to deeply ingrained misconceptions about the nature of the body, relationships, and sexuality itself.
Unclean Exposure: Furthermore, when children seek answers outside of appropriate and dignified frameworks, they are at risk of turning to sources that are neither clean nor healthy. By withholding guidance, one may unintentionally push the child toward precisely the kind of exposure one hoped to avoid—only now without the safeguards of context, values, or boundaries.
Unspoken Anxiety and psychological distress: There is an additional and often overlooked consequence of this silence. As children go through the natural stages of physical development, they may begin to notice changes they do not understand. Without even a basic framework of knowledge, an adolescent can come to believe that something is wrong with him—that his body is abnormal, deficient, or even incapable of functioning properly. Simple developmental realities, such as growth of hair, and changes in bodily limbs, can become sources of confusion, embarrassment, and genuine psychological distress. In some cases, this can lead to unnecessary anxiety and even long-term emotional impact. As has been emphasized in contemporary discussions by Dr. Shloime Zimmerman, Psy.D., many young people today are navigating powerful developmental changes with little guidance, and when these matters are ignored, the consequences can be significant both emotionally and spiritually. Providing a child with measured, appropriate, and age-sensitive knowledge can prevent such confusion and bring calm where there would otherwise be fear. It allows the child to understand that what he is experiencing is natural, expected, and part of a broader, healthy process.
Thus, neither extreme offers a viable solution. To ignore the subject entirely is to abandon the child to confusion, misinformation, or harmful sources. Yet to say too much, too soon, is to introduce him into a difficult struggle before its proper time. The task, then, is to find the balance—to provide what is necessary, when it is necessary, in a manner that preserves both purity and clarity, innocence and understanding.
D. The Balanced and Responsible Approach
After considering the dangers of both extremes—overexposure on the one hand and complete silence on the other—it becomes clear that the proper path lies in a carefully measured, balanced approach. This approach requires wisdom, sensitivity, and a deep understanding of both the child’s developmental stage and the inner nature of the human soul. From the perspective of Torah, as explained in the teachings regarding the Tree of Knowledge, knowledge itself is not neutral. When introduced prematurely, it has the capacity to awaken inner drives and create struggles that were not yet meant to exist. At the same time, withholding essential guidance leaves the child vulnerable to confusion, anxiety, and harmful external influences. This balanced perspective is strongly emphasized by contemporary frum mental health professionals, particularly Dr. Shloime Zimmerman author of “From boys to men”, who has highlighted that many adolescents struggle unnecessarily simply because they were left without proper guidance and were forced to learn from external and often inappropriate sources. Accordingly, the role of the parent is not merely to inform, but to guide the timing, tone, and content of that information in a way that prepares the child before challenges arise, while still preserving his innocence. As emphasized by the Lubavitcher Rebbe, even necessary discussion in this area must be approached with precision and restraint, as improper or excessive conversation can itself contribute to the awakening of desire. This further highlights that the goal is not merely openness, but carefully guided and responsible communication. A responsible approach is built on several fundamental principles:
- Age-Appropriate and Gradual Education: Education must be given in stages, corresponding to the child’s level of maturity. A young child does not require, nor benefit from, detailed explanations of concepts that are beyond his current reality. Rather, information should be introduced gradually, answering the child’s questions honestly but without elaborating beyond what is necessary. This preserves the child’s natural innocence while still providing clarity where it is needed. In this way, knowledge serves as a stabilizing force, not a provocative one.
- Answering Questions, Not Awakening Them: A key guideline emphasized by both Torah educators and psychologists is that one should generally respond to the child’s existing awareness, rather than introduce entirely new areas of curiosity prematurely. When a child asks, it is often an indication that he is ready—at least to some degree—for a basic level of understanding. By contrast, introducing topics unprompted and in excessive detail can have the effect described in the maamar: the mere knowledge can awaken emotional and physical inclinations that did not previously exist in an active way.
- Providing a Framework of Normalcy and Reassurance: As children go through puberty and physical development, it is essential that they be given enough information to understand that what they are experiencing is normal. Simple explanations about bodily changes, growth, and development can prevent confusion and emotional distress. One of the important insights emphasized by seasoned frum therapists is that a child who lacks even basic orientation may interpret normal developmental changes as abnormalities. Providing clear and calm explanations helps anchor the child emotionally and removes unnecessary fear and anxiety.
- Preserving Modesty While Providing Clarity: The manner in which the information is given is just as important as the content itself. Discussions should be conducted with dignity, modesty, and sensitivity, without crude detail or unnecessary elaboration. This not only protects the child’s purity but also teaches him how to relate to these matters in a healthy and respectful way. This balance reflects the Torah ideal—neither denial of reality nor immersion in it, but a refined and elevated engagement.
- Creating an Open but Guarded Environment: Children should feel that they can approach their parents with questions without fear or embarrassment. At the same time, this openness must exist within a structured framework, where the parent maintains discretion regarding how much to share. When a child knows that his parents are a trustworthy and safe source of guidance, he is far less likely to seek answers in inappropriate places.
- Proactive Guidance Before Exposure: A key insight emphasized by Dr. Zimmerman is that education must not only be reactive, but proactive. Children should ideally receive appropriate guidance before they are exposed to confusing or inappropriate information from the outside world. When left unprepared, adolescents often seek answers on their own and may become entangled in unhealthy patterns and struggles that could have been prevented through early, measured guidance. This does not mean overwhelming the child with information, but rather equipping him gradually with the clarity and direction needed to navigate his developmental stages in a healthy and dignified way.
- Protecting from Harmful Exposure: Alongside providing appropriate education, parents must actively protect their children from exposure to media and environments that present distorted and immodest portrayals. As seen both in Torah sources and in contemporary psychological observations, exposure itself has the power to shape desire and perception. Shielding a child from such influences is not repression—it is preservation of inner purity and emotional health.
Free Translation Igros Kodesh Vol. 20 p. 175
Regarding educating young men and women of adolescent age about matters of sexual desire and the problems connected to it, it is difficult to establish a definitive position. Although our Sages said about the verse you quoted in your letter, “If there is worry in a person’s heart, he should speak of it to others,” it seems that in this particular area our Sages also said: “A person has a small organ—if he starves it, it is satisfied; if he satisfies it, it becomes hungry.” And it would appear that even speaking about the subject could be considered a form of “satisfying it.”
This is unless the conversation is conducted by an outstanding expert who knows how to avoid certain expressions and associations. And as I have seen in several places, the appropriate approach is that the teachers at the institution should consult among themselves and determine the proper conduct and the manner of speaking with a particular male or female student. At most, two or three teachers who are suitable to work together should participate. Naturally, boys separately and girls separately. But not in a public setting, as is done in some places. And even then, great care must be taken not to cause others to stumble nor to stumble oneself in the prohibition—biblically or at least rabbinically—of not causing improper thoughts, etc., as ruled in Shulchan Aruch, Even HaEzer 23:3, and see also Tanya, chapter 11.
E. A Summary of a Highly Productive Podcast Conversation Between Dr. Shlomie Zimmerman and Rabbi YY Jacobson [2]
This article distills the key insights from a deeply meaningful and productive podcast discussion between Dr. Shlomie Zimmerman, a leading psychologist specializing in child and adolescent development, and Rabbi YY Jacobson, a renowned educator and spiritual teacher. Together, they explore one of the most sensitive yet essential topics in parenting: how to talk to teenage boys about their developing bodies, sexuality, and emotional world.
Understanding the Intensity of Boys’ Development: Both speakers emphasize that the teenage years are marked by powerful hormonal, emotional, and physical changes. While adults often forget how overwhelming this stage can feel, boys experience a surge of impulses, confusion, and self‑questioning. Recognizing this intensity is the first step toward supporting them.
The Harm of Silence and Shame: A central theme of the conversation is that silence breeds shame. When parents avoid discussing sexuality, body changes, or struggles like masturbation, teens are left to interpret their experiences alone. This isolation often leads to guilt, secrecy, and distorted beliefs about themselves. The speakers argue that avoiding the topic does not protect children—it harms them. Open, calm communication is the antidote.
Addressing Masturbation Without Panic or Judgment: One of the most courageous parts of the discussion is the insistence that parents must speak directly and compassionately about masturbation. Many boys feel deep guilt around this issue, and without guidance, they may internalize the belief that something is wrong with them. The goal is not to moralize or shame, but to help teens understand their bodies and navigate their development with self‑respect and clarity.
Sexuality as a Core Human Force: The podcast reframes sexuality not as something dirty or dangerous, but as a central, powerful part of being human. When religious teachings are used only to instill fear or guilt, they lose their purpose. Instead, the speakers highlight that Judaism’s focus on sexuality aims to cultivate holiness, authenticity, and mindful living, not repression.
Authenticity Over Perfection: A recurring message is that teens need to see their parents as real, honest, and emotionally open. Pretending to be perfect creates distance; authenticity builds trust. When parents acknowledge that struggle is part of being human, teens feel safer sharing their own challenges.
The Consequences of Avoiding the Conversation: The speakers outline several risks that arise when parents remain silent:
- Teens turn to the internet for answers
- Shame and secrecy intensify
- Risky or hidden behaviors become more likely
- Emotional and spiritual confusion grows
In contrast, open dialogue strengthens the parent‑child relationship and supports healthier development.
How Parents Can Approach These Conversations: The podcast offers practical guidance for parents:
- Speak with calmness, not fear
- Use clear, age‑appropriate language
- Show curiosity rather than judgment
- Emphasize values, not threats
- Reassure teens that their feelings and urges are normal
The tone matters as much as the content. A gentle, grounded approach helps teens feel understood rather than scrutinized.
Conclusion: Compassionate Communication Is Essential: The conversation between Dr. Zimmerman and Rabbi Jacobson makes one message unmistakably clear: parents must talk openly with their teens about sexuality and body development. When approached with compassion, honesty, and emotional presence, these conversations become opportunities for connection, growth, and spiritual grounding.
F. Practical Guidance: What to Say and When
The following guidance is written for parents, mechanchim, and rabbanim who are responsible for educating youth in a proper and balanced manner. Unlike the student edition, which presents these matters in a more general way, this section will speak more directly, in order to give clear and practical direction for how these subjects should be addressed.
Until this point, we have outlined the general principles of maintaining a balanced and responsible approach. We now turn to the practical application—what a parent should actually say, and at what stage. The goal is not to overwhelm the child with information, but to provide clarity at the right time, in a measured and appropriate way, so that the child is neither confused nor prematurely awakened to matters beyond his current stage.
- Early Childhood: Simple Questions, Simple Answers At a young age, it is common for children to ask simple questions such as where babies come from. At this stage, a brief and truthful response is appropriate. One can explain that a baby develops inside the mother in a special place created for that purpose. The objective is not to explain the full process, but simply to answer the child’s question honestly without introducing concepts that he is not yet ready to process. In all such cases, the guiding principle is to answer what was asked, and not expand further.
- Approaching Adolescence: Explaining Physical Development As a child approaches adolescence, however, it becomes essential that parents take a more proactive role. At this stage, both boys and girls begin to experience noticeable physical changes in their bodies, and if these changes are not explained in advance, they can lead to confusion and even deep anxiety. A parent should calmly and naturally explain that the body develops as one grows older, and that part of this development includes changes in specific areas of the body. This includes the growth of hair in private areas, as well as development of the chest for girls and changes in the male organ for boys. While these subjects require modesty and sensitivity, they cannot be avoided altogether, as their purpose in this context is not to stimulate, but to reassure and normalize. When explained properly, these discussions remove fear rather than create it. It should be clearly stated that all of these changes are normal and experienced by every healthy individual, and that there is nothing unusual or shameful about them. It is important to emphasize that avoiding clear language when it is necessary for proper understanding is not an expression of modesty, but can, at times, be a cause of confusion. True tznius in chinuch is not silence, but the careful and appropriate presentation of truth. At the same time, it is essential that the parent clearly communicate to the child that this conversation is not a one-time discussion. The child should be reassured that if any questions arise in the future, he or she should never feel embarrassed or hesitant to ask. The parent should emphasize that they will always receive an honest, calm, and understanding response, and that there is no need to seek answers elsewhere. This reassurance alone can prevent a child from turning to inappropriate or harmful sources for information, and strengthens the trust between parent and child.
For girls: For girls, a mother should gently explain that as she grows, her body will begin to change, including the development of her chest, as well as internal changes that prepare her body for adulthood. This conversation should be framed with calmness and dignity, emphasizing that these developments are a natural and expected part of becoming a mature woman. The girl should feel that her body is healthy and functioning exactly as it is meant to, without any sense of embarrassment or concern.
For boys: For boys, a father should explain that his body will also go through changes, including the development of his private organ, growth in that area, and the appearance of hair in certain parts of the body. He should be told that at times he may experience physical reactions in his body that seem new or surprising, and that these are a normal part of development that all boys go through. By speaking about this clearly and matter-of-factly, the parent removes any fear that something is abnormal.
- Emotional Development: Attraction and Feelings As the child continues to mature, another important stage of conversation involves emotional development. Both boys and girls may begin to feel an attraction toward the opposite gender. It is crucial to explain that these feelings are normal and part of growing up, and that they do not mean that something is wrong. At the same time, the child should be guided in how to relate to these feelings in a healthy and appropriate way, according to one’s values.
- Sensitive Struggles: Framing with Balance and Care As a child matures further, there comes a stage when a parent or educator may need to address more sensitive areas of adolescent development, including personal behaviors and inner struggles that can arise during this time. It is important that this conversation not be avoided entirely, as silence in this area has been shown, both anecdotally and clinically, to lead many young people to confusion, guilt, and sometimes deeply harmful conclusions about themselves. At an appropriate age and level of maturity, it may be necessary to briefly and respectfully address the issue of self‑stimulation (i.e. Zera Levatala). A parent should not speak about this with unnecessary detail, but it should be clearly communicated that this is a behavior that many adolescents struggle with during their development. For boys in particular, it should be explained that while this behavior is prohibited according to Torah standards and one is expected to strive toward self-control, the very presence of such urges does not make a person deficient or broken. On the contrary, it is part of the broader challenge of growing into adulthood, and many fine and sincere individuals have faced and overcome similar struggles. At the same time, it is absolutely essential that this message be accompanied by emotional reassurance. A child must be told explicitly that his worth is not defined by his challenges, and that Hashem values effort and struggle. Without this balance, a child may internalize only the severity without the context, leading to damaging feelings of shame and distance. For girls, it is equally critical that the subject is framed correctly and not exaggerated beyond its actual parameters. When this area is misunderstood, it can create unnecessary anxiety and distress. Here too, a careful and measured explanation, appropriate to her maturity, can prevent years of internal confusion and fear.
G. Real Life Cases:
The importance of this balanced approach can be clearly seen from real-life cases that I have dealt with as a Rav and educator for over two decades.
Example 1: Misinterpreting Normal Feelings Yaakov, a thoughtful and sensitive boy, began struggling privately during his early teenage years with regards to his impulses for the opposite gender. Having never received any guidance from his parents or teachers, he assumed that his behavior placed him in a category of severe wrongdoing beyond repair. Over time, the weight of guilt became overwhelming, and he began to feel distant from his identity, his values, and even from Hashem Himself. In reality, what he needed was not silence, but proper guidance—someone to explain both the seriousness of his actions and the normalcy of the struggle. Without that balance, his internal world became one of shame rather than growth.
Example 2: The Danger of Excessive Guilt Sara, a bright and sincere young girl, developed a habit of self-stimulation that she believed placed her among the worst of sinners. Having never been given any accurate framework, she equated her experience with the most severe prohibitions she had heard about. This misunderstanding led to intense anxiety and emotional distress that could have been avoided with even a brief, appropriate explanation. When the truth was eventually clarified for her in a calm and supportive manner, it immediately alleviated years of unnecessary fear.
Example 3: Lack of Physical Understanding: Moshe began experiencing natural physical and emotional changes in adolescence but, due to a lack of proper education, interpreted these feelings as signs that something was fundamentally wrong with him. He became anxious and withdrawn, convinced that he was different from others. Only after a conversation with his father was he able to understand that what he was experiencing was entirely normal. In another instance, David noticed changes in his body that he did not understand and, without any framework, assumed that he would not be capable of leading a normal adult life or be able to marry and have children. For years, he carried unnecessary fear regarding his future, when in truth what he was experiencing was simply a healthy and standard stage of development.
H. The Final lesson:
These examples highlight a consistent and critical theme: when children are left to interpret their experiences without guidance, they often arrive at incorrect and sometimes harmful conclusions. Conversely, when a parent provides clear, calm, and appropriately timed explanations—even on sensitive topics—the child gains not only knowledge, but emotional stability and confidence. It is for this reason that, alongside any specific discussion, a parent must clearly communicate that the door is always open. A child should be told explicitly that if he or she has further questions, there is no need to feel embarrassed or hesitant. They should know that they can always return to their parent for an honest, respectful, and understanding conversation. This reassurance alone can prevent a child from seeking answers from inappropriate sources and strengthens a lifelong relationship of trust. In this way, even the most delicate subjects can be addressed without undermining modesty, and without awakening premature struggle. On the contrary, when handled properly, such conversations protect the child from confusion, reduce unnecessary anxiety, and allow him or her to grow with clarity, dignity, and emotional strength.
[1] Parshas Bereishis; See our corresponding Sefer “The Chassidishe Parsha – Torah or Likkutei Torah” or the following link: https://shulchanaruchharav.com/chumash/bereishis/bereishis/parshas-bereishis-torah-or-the-danger-of-having-exposure-to-evil-behavior-through-media-and-television