Question:
My son is now eighteen years old. Ever since he was fourteen, he has insisted on traveling to the Rebbe for Tishrei every single year. As a result, for the past number of years he has not spent Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkos, Shemini Atzeres, or Simchas Torah at home with his family. While I appreciate the value of being by the Rebbe, I find myself increasingly struggling with the situation.
The expense is significant, and at times requires him to borrow money or neglect financial responsibilities that, at his age, he should already be learning to shoulder himself. Furthermore, I wonder whether this is really what the Rebbe intended. Did the Rebbe want bochurim to be away from their parents and family for every Tishrei from such a young age? What about the chinuch that takes place around the family table throughout the Yamim Noraim and Yomim Tovim? What about the lessons, warmth, family traditions, and memories that are transmitted from parents to children during these precious occasions?
I fully understand the importance of traveling to the Rebbe and the spiritual benefits that can come from it. Nevertheless, I feel pained that since the age of fourteen my son has never experienced a family Tishrei at home. Am I wrong to feel this way? May parents insist that a child remain home for a particular year, even if he strongly wishes to travel? Is there room within the Rebbe’s directives for balancing the tremendous value of Tishrei by the Rebbe with the equally important values of family, chinuch, responsibility, and financial stability?
Short Answer:
This is an understandably sensitive subject from both perspectives. On the one hand, being by the Rebbe for Tishrei is an extraordinary privilege and has been cherished by Chassidim throughout the generations. On the other hand, the Rebbe never promoted traveling at the expense of proper chinuch, family responsibility, communal responsibility, or financial stability. The Rebbe repeatedly emphasized that the purpose of traveling is spiritual growth and tangible results in Torah study, avodah, and Yiras Shamayim. If those results are not expected, or if the trip requires entering unnecessary debt, neglecting educational responsibilities, or placing a child in a situation that is beyond his level of maturity, then parents are fully entitled to decide that the child should remain home. Likewise, parents may certainly choose to have their child home for certain years in order to receive the unique chinuch and Yom Tov experience that only a family can provide, and their decision to do so is not anti-Hiskashrus and they should not be made to feel guilty of their decision.
Explanation:
Among Chassidim, one of the most cherished traditions has always been traveling to spend Tishrei with the Rebbe. Already from the earliest generations of Chassidus, Chassidim would leave their homes and undertake difficult journeys in order to spend the Yamim Noraim and Yomim Tovim in the presence of their Rebbe. The Rebbe Rashab famously remarked: “How is it possible that a Jew is not in Lubavitch for Rosh Hashanah? Where else would he be?”
Accordingly, there is no question that being with the Rebbe for Tishrei possesses tremendous spiritual value. Many thousands of Chassidim have testified to the life-changing inspiration, growth, and renewed sense of hiskashrus that they experienced through their visit.
At the same time, one of the greatest misconceptions surrounding the subject is the belief that the Rebbe viewed every trip as inherently worthwhile regardless of the circumstances. The historical record shows precisely the opposite.
The Rebbe Demanded Results
When organized groups first began traveling from Eretz Yisrael to spend Tishrei with the Rebbe, the Rebbe repeatedly asked a simple question:
What were the results?
The Rebbe stressed that the only justification for leaving one’s family, spending substantial sums of money, and in some cases even leaving Eretz Yisrael, was if the trip produced measurable growth in Torah study, Chassidus, davening, and mitzvah observance. The Rebbe went so far as to state that if people were not adding in Torah and avodah, “they should not come here.”
In one famous talk, the Rebbe stated that he was still waiting to see the practical results from the previous year’s visitors and that future travel should depend on whether those results actually materialized.
Likewise, in correspondence regarding future trips, the Rebbe and the Rebbe’s secretariat repeatedly requested detailed reports demonstrating the spiritual achievements accomplished through prior visits before approving subsequent organized travel.
The message is clear: the value of the trip is not measured by the airplane ticket, the passport stamp, or even the emotional experience. The value is measured by what the visitor becomes afterwards.
The Rebbe Opposed Neglecting Responsibilities
An equally important point is that the Rebbe did not believe that one should abandon responsibilities merely to be present in 770.
On multiple occasions the Rebbe sharply criticized individuals who left educational positions, communal work, or responsibilities toward students in order to come for Tishrei. In one case the Rebbe wrote to an educational director expressing astonishment that he wished to leave his institution during a period when the institution especially needed his presence.
Similarly, the Rebbe publicly criticized individuals who left positions involving the education of children and came despite having been instructed not to do so. The Rebbe questioned how certainty of helping others could be sacrificed for merely possible personal gain.
From here we learn a fundamental principle: Chassidus does not demand abandoning existing obligations in pursuit of spiritual experiences. Genuine hiskashrus requires responsibility, not escapism.
The Rebbe Never Directed That Every Bochur Must Spend Every Tishrei by the Rebbe
Another point that is often overlooked is that the Rebbe never issued a directive that every bochur should travel to the Rebbe for every Tishrei, regardless of age, circumstances, finances, family considerations, or personal maturity.
In many circles today, a young person can be left with the impression that spending every Tishrei in 770 is an absolute requirement and that remaining home with one’s family is somehow a lesser option. However, this perception is not based on any directive of the Rebbe.
Indeed, the intense desire many bochurim feel to travel each year is often fueled by additional factors. There is the excitement of being where everything is happening, the anticipation of the unique atmosphere of Tishrei in 770, the fact that friends and classmates are going, and the powerful social momentum that develops around the trip. These factors are very real and understandable. For many bochurim, the desire to travel is not necessarily driven by a specific directive of the Rebbe requiring their attendance, but by the attraction of participating in an experience that has become a central feature of contemporary Chabad life. Indeed, as we will now show, there were cases that the Rebbe explicitly directed students not to come, or made it conditional on several factors.
The Rebbe Directed a group of high school grills not to come
In a response regarding a proposal for a group of school-aged girls from Eretz Yisrael to travel to the Rebbe for Tishrei, the Rebbe wrote: “Instead of the trip, let them visit the Kosel Hama’aravi one time during Selichos and another during Chol Hamoed…” This response is significant, as it demonstrates that the Rebbe did not maintain that every person who wished to come for Tishrei should necessarily do so. Rather, there were circumstances in which remaining in Eretz Yisrael and utilizing the spiritual opportunities available there was considered the preferable course of action.
On another occasion, when asked regarding a group of girls traveling from Eretz Yisrael, the Rebbe’s consent was dependent on several conditions:
- that there be proper supervision,
- that the trip not come at the expense of their studies,
- and that it not involve entering into debt.
The Rebbe concluded that if these conditions could not be fulfilled, then the trip was not justified. Similarly, on another occasion, the Rebbe agreed to a group’s travel only after assurances were given that they would be properly supervised, that the trip would lead to increased observance of Torah and mitzvos and tangible spiritual accomplishments, and that they would not incur substantial debts in order to come.
What About Parents and Chinuch?
Perhaps the most important question in the case of younger bochurim is the role of parents in chinuch. Parents are not merely transportation providers and sponsors for a trip. They are the primary educators of their children. The Yamim Noraim and Yomim Tovim present unique opportunities that can never be fully recreated elsewhere. A child watches his father prepare for Rosh Hashanah. He observes his parents’ reverence for Yom Kippur. He experiences the family sukkah. He absorbs family customs, stories, songs, values, and traditions.These experiences are themselves a profound form of chinuch.
Indeed, contemporary mechanchim have argued that younger bochurim should not automatically spend every Tishrei away from home. They note that children and younger teenagers often gain enormously from experiencing the chagim together with their parents and community before they are mature enough to benefit fully from an independent Tishrei experience. As one veteran Rosh Yeshivah put it, the precious days of Tishrei are often the very times when fathers teach their children the meaning of the Yomim Tovim and when children build their deepest connection to family Yiddishkeit.
Not Every Bochur Is Ready
Another point repeatedly emphasized by educators is that travel must be evaluated according to the individual bochur. Age alone is not the determining factor. Some older bochurim may not be ready for a month of independence thousands of miles from home, while some younger students may demonstrate unusual maturity and preparedness. The relevant question is not merely whether he wants to go, but whether he possesses the emotional, spiritual, and practical maturity to benefit from the experience. The Rebbe consistently stressed preparation, structure, learning, and accountability. The Rebbe wanted visitors immersed in Torah study and avodah. A bochur who will spend his days learning, davening, and growing is not the same as a bochur traveling primarily because “everyone else is going.”
What About Going Into Debt?
Another misconception is that any financial sacrifice is justified in order to get to the Rebbe. Nothing in the Rebbe’s directives supports irresponsible financial behavior. On the contrary, the Rebbe repeatedly referred to the substantial expenses involved and questioned whether those expenses were justified without clearly demonstrable spiritual gains. A family struggling to cover obligations, educate its children, pay tuition, or meet household needs is not required to enter debt in order to send a teenager to Tishrei. Certainly, if parents determine that the financial burden is unhealthy or unsustainable, they have every right to make that decision.
Financial Responsibility Versus Annual Travel
Another factor that parents are entitled to consider is the educational message being conveyed regarding financial responsibility. In many cases, by the time a bochur reaches eighteen or nineteen years of age, he may be paying for his own ticket and not asking his parents to finance his trip. Nonetheless, this does not automatically remove all of the concerns. Parents may rightfully question whether it is healthy for a young adult to devote all of his available resources each year toward traveling to Tishrei while leaving other basic obligations to be covered by his parents. If a bochur saves for an airline ticket but has no funds for local transportation, personal expenses, clothing, or even his own phone bill, the question is no longer simply whether he can afford the trip, but whether he is learning proper financial priorities.
Part of Chinuch is teaching a child how to responsibly manage money and distinguish between desires and obligations. A parent may therefore legitimately feel that before spending thousands of dollars on an annual trip, a young man should first demonstrate the ability to carry the financial responsibilities appropriate for his age. This is particularly so when the trip itself is voluntary and not the fulfillment of a specific directive that he must attend every Tishrei. In such a case, a parent may reasonably conclude that the educational benefit of developing responsibility outweighs the benefit of another yearly visit.
The Parent’s Right and Responsibility
Ultimately, parents remain responsible for the chinuch of their child. A teenager does not independently determine his educational path simply because he feels inspired by an idea.
Parents must evaluate:
- Is my child mature enough?
- Will he have proper supervision?
- Is there proper learning and guidance?
- Will the trip enhance his Yiddishkeit?
- Can we afford it responsibly?
- Can he afford it responsibly?
- Would this year perhaps be better spent with family?
- Will he gain more from being by the Rebbe, or from experiencing a family Tishrei?
These are legitimate and necessary questions.
There is no contradiction between valuing a trip to the Rebbe and deciding that a particular child, at a particular age, in a particular year, should remain home.
Practical Guidance
Practically, parents should neither dismiss the value of Tishrei by the Rebbe nor feel pressured into sending a child every year simply because “everyone goes.”
If parents are convinced that the trip will bring authentic spiritual growth, that the child is ready, that proper arrangements and supervision exist, and that the expense can be handled responsibly, then the trip may be a tremendous blessing.
However, if parents believe that their child presently needs the chinuch of the family environment, if financial realities do not permit the trip, or if they are not convinced that the visit will produce the intended spiritual results, they have every right and responsibility to decide that the child should remain home.
Such a decision is not anti-Chassidic. It is responsible chinuch.
Summary Table
| Question | Guiding Principle |
| Is traveling to the Rebbe valuable? | Absolutely, when it brings genuine spiritual growth. |
| Must every bochur travel every year? | No. The Rebbe stressed results, preparation, and responsibility. |
| May parents decide their child should stay home? | Yes. Parents remain responsible for the child’s chinuch. |
| Should one enter debt for the trip? | Not when the financial burden is unhealthy or irresponsible. The Rebbe emphasized weighing the expense against the results. |
| Does family Tishrei have educational value? | Enormous value in transmitting Yiddishkeit, family minhagim, and parental influence. |
| What should determine the decision? | Spiritual benefit, maturity, supervision, financial ability, and the child’s overall chinuch. |
A Personal Reflection
On a personal level, I cannot help but feel that something valuable is lost when a child spends every Tishrei away from home from a very young age. A boy who leaves at fourteen years old and continues traveling every year may never again experience Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkos, Shemini Atzeres, and Simchas Torah together with his father and family during the years that shape him most.
The loss of Family Tradition and Connection: There are lessons that no yeshiva, organization, or environment can fully replace. A son watching his father prepare for Rosh Hashanah, observing how his parents conduct themselves on Yom Kippur, sitting beside them in the sukkah, hearing family stories, customs, and heartfelt words of inspiration, are all part of the transmission of Judaism from one generation to the next. Once those years pass, they can never be recreated. A young man can always travel later in life, but he can never return to being fourteen, fifteen, or sixteen years old and relive those formative Yomim Tovim at home.
This point is especially significant because bochurim already spend most of the year away from home in yeshiva. Throughout the year they are occupied with their studies, their dormitories, their schedules, and their friends. Tishrei was traditionally one of the unique times in the calendar year when parents and children could spend extended meaningful time together. It is during these weeks that family bonds are strengthened. For this reason, the question should not simply be what the child gains by traveling. It must also include an honest assessment of what he loses by not being home. Family connection, parental influence, healthy family bonding, and the transmission of family mesorah are also spiritual assets, and they too deserve consideration when deciding whether a child should spend every Tishrei away from home.
The Real Challenges by the Rebbe: Likewise, while much can be gained from being by the Rebbe for Tishrei, we should not ignore the very real challenges that often accompany such travel, especially for younger bochurim. Anyone familiar with the realities on the ground knows that not every bochur maintains the same standards of learning, sleeping, and structure that he has in yeshiva. Many leave yeshiva already during Elul and Aseres Yemei Teshuvah, at precisely the time when Torah learning, introspection, and spiritual growth should be intensifying. Long flights, jet lag, inconsistent sleeping arrangements, late-night farbrengens, extensive socializing with friends, and the atmosphere of being away from the normal yeshiva framework can all make it difficult to maintain the level of diligence and consistency expected during these precious weeks. As educators and parents, we must be honest enough to recognize that these concerns are real. Questions of maintaining proper sedarim, sufficient sleep, responsible behavior, appropriate social boundaries, and proper attention to spiritual growth are not theoretical concerns. They are practical realities that deserve careful consideration and planning.
Flying to the Rebbe to miss Kerias Shema: I personally heard from one parent whose fifteen-year-old son traveled together with his entire yeshiva for Tishrei. According to the parent, during much of Sukkos most of the boys would often not arise until late in the morning or near midday. As a result, Krias Shema was frequently missed, day after day. What disturbed the parent most was not merely the behavior itself, but that it seemed to have become normal and expected. One cannot help but ask: If a child travels to be elevated spiritually, yet as a result misses a Torah obligation due to lack of structure and proper guidance, has something not gone terribly wrong? Such situations place a great responsibility upon parents, mechanchim, and yeshiva administrations to ensure that enthusiasm is accompanied by accountability.
Disregarding the parent’s wishes: I likewise heard from another parent who wished, for one particular year, to have his sons remain home. The father, who was a Shliach, wanted his sons to assist him in his activities, participate in family Yom Tov life, and receive the unique chinuch that only a home environment can provide. Yet he was told by his child’s Mashpia that the children had the right to travel and that a parent should not stand in their way. Personally, I found such an attitude troubling. Parents are not spectators in the chinuch of their children. They are the primary educators whom Hashem entrusted with that responsibility. While mentors and mashpi’im play a vital role, it is difficult to understand how they could override the considered judgment of devoted parents regarding what they believe is best for the growth and development of their own child.
Ultimately, the discussion should never be reduced to a simple question of whether traveling is good or bad. Traveling to the Rebbe for Tishrei can be an extraordinary source of blessing, inspiration, and lifelong growth. At the same time, family chinuch, parental influence, financial responsibility, structured Torah learning, and emotional maturity are also genuine Torah values. The challenge is not choosing one value while ignoring all others, but finding a proper balance between them. That balance will not be identical for every child, every family, or every year. The responsibility of parents, mechanchim, and the bochurim themselves is to ensure that the decision is guided not by pressure or habit, but by what will genuinely bring the greatest spiritual benefit in accordance with Torah and Chassidus.
Sources:
Regarding the historic importance of being with the Rebbe for Tishrei and the statement of the Rebbe Rashab: Toras Shalom p. 188; Toras Menachem 17 p. 215; 50 p. 391; 70 p. 64; Igros Kodesh 2:254
Regarding the Rebbe’s demand that visitors increase in Torah study, Chassidus, and avodas hatefillah, and his statement that otherwise they should not come: Toras Menachem 29 p. 170-172; 32 pp. 26-28 and 46; Hisvadyus 5742 p. 2172 13th Elul; Kefar Chabad Vol. 682; 729; 764; Lev Ha’ari p. 194; Yimei Temimim 3 p. 66, 99, 111, 113-130; Hapartizan p. 360