Teaching Children the Difference Between Good Secrets and Bad Secrets[1]
Children should be taught the importance of being trustworthy and respecting the privacy of others. Not every piece of information needs to be shared. If someone confidentially shares personal information, or if a friend tells a child something private that is not harmful, the child should learn not to gossip or reveal it unnecessarily. A trustworthy person knows how to keep appropriate secrets and respect the dignity of others.
At the same time, children must be taught an equally important rule: there are certain secrets that should never be kept. No adult, older child, teacher, relative, counselor, or friend has the right to tell a child, “Don’t tell your parents,” regarding something that affects the child’s safety, wellbeing, or personal boundaries. Children should know that they may always tell their parents anything, regardless of whether someone asked them to keep it secret. Parents should explain to their children that there are good secrets and bad secrets.
Good Secrets
Good secrets are secrets that:
- Make people happy.
- Are temporary.
- Do not involve fear, harm, or uncomfortable situations.
Examples include:
- A surprise birthday party.
- A special gift for a parent.
- A surprise present for a sibling.
Bad Secrets
Bad secrets are secrets that:
- Make a child feel uncomfortable.
- Involve inappropriate behavior.
- Cause fear, confusion, or embarrassment.
- Require a child to hide something from his parents.
- Involve threats, gifts, manipulation, or special favors in exchange for silence.
Children should be taught that any secret that makes them uncomfortable must immediately be shared with a parent or another trusted adult.
The Rule Every Child Should Know
A child should be firmly taught:
“You never have to keep a secret from Mommy or Daddy.” Unfortunately, there are people who have harmed children by convincing them that certain matters must remain “just between us.” One of the most important protections a child can have is the confidence that he may always speak openly with his parents without fear of getting into trouble.
Good Secrets vs. Bad Secrets
| Good Secret | Bad Secret |
| Creates happiness | Creates fear |
| Temporary | Meant to be hidden indefinitely |
| Surprise birthday gift | “Don’t tell Mommy or Daddy” |
| Surprise party | Makes child uncomfortable |
| No one gets hurt | Someone may get hurt |
| Can eventually be told | Must be reported immediately |
[1] Admur 156:14; M”A 156; Semag Lavin 9; Hagahos Maimanis end of Hilchos Deios; Yuma 4b; Chikikeiy Lev