Protected: Chapter 6: Intimacy Restrictions – During preparation & intercourse-Part 4

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Intimacy Restrictions – During preparation & intercourse-Part 4

16. The forms of intercourse – Vaginally, anally, orally, non-penetrative: [1]

A man may have intercourse with his wife in any form that he wishes, vaginally, anally, or through her limbs [i.e. Derech Eivarim]. The following are the details of this matter

1. Anal intercourse:[2]

Some Poskim[3] rule that it is permitted to engage in anal intercourse [even frequently[4]] so long as semen is not released [and thus as soon as he feels the need to ejaculate he is to pull out and penetrate her vaginally right away[5]]. If semen is released, it is a severe Biblical transgression.[6] Other Poskim[7] rule that it is permitted to do so even if semen is released, so long as it is only done on occasion and he is not accustomed to doing so.[8] [Practically, one is to be stringent in this matter, to not waste seed even on occasion, even during intercourse.[9] Furthermore, some Poskim[10] rule that it is forbidden to have frequent anal intercourse even without ejaculation, and it is only permitted to do so on occasion.[11] Furthermore, some Poskim[12] rule that it is forbidden to perform anal intercourse under any circumstance, even if semen is not released, and one who releases semen is liable for death and in the future will be placed in the second level of purgatory which is called Shachas. Indeed, in the year 1548 in Tzefas there was a wife who complained that her husband had anal intercourse with her and the Beis Yosef with his Beis Din excommunicated him and said that he should be burned, and he was indeed banished from Israel.[13] Practically, the majority of Poskim[14] negate this latter approach and conclude that, according to the Talmud, anal intercourse is certainly permitted if no ejaculation takes place. Nonetheless, it remains severely negated according to Kabbalah.[15]] [Nonetheless] according to all, even if these matters are permitted, whoever sanctifies himself with the permitted is considered holy [and so is the practice of pious Jews, to avoid such acts].[16] [Thus, Frum couples, and certainly refined Chassidic couples, should not entertain starting to do so, even if ejaculation will not take place. Nonetheless, if a couple has already begun doing so and finds it difficult to stop, their challenge is certainly understood by Hashem, and they should try to slowly wean off the behavior, and Daven to Hashem to help them in their challenge.]  

Against her will:[17] All the above is only if the wife consents to anal intercourse, otherwise, it is forbidden. [Hence, being that anal intercourse is painful for many women, therefore, it would be prohibited under this clause if it is not with her consent.]

1. Non-penetrative intercourse – Derech Eivarim:

A man may have intercourse with his wife through her limbs [i.e. Derech Eivarim].[18] [This is known as non-penetrative intercourse.] This refers to thrusting the penis between her thighs.[19] [Seemingly, this also includes mammary intercourse and possibly also fellatio, as explained next.] According to all, even if these matters are permitted, whoever sanctifies himself with the permitted is considered holy [and so is the practice of pious Jews, to avoid such acts].[20]

Ejaculation:[21] It is forbidden to ejaculate during non-penetrative intercourse, due to the severe prohibition of Zera Levatala.

1. Oral intercourse:

See Halacha 12B!

D. Hand Masturbation:

It is permitted for the wife to touch her husband’s genitals [i.e. penis and testes] to arouse and excite him, and the like. She may also rub him with her hands for this purpose. However, it is forbidden according to all opinions for her to rub until the point of ejaculation [i.e. hand job]. Hence, she must beware that her hand movements on his genitals do not lead to Zera Levatala r”l.[22] [See Appendix 4 regarding Zera Levatala. See Halacha 20 regarding if it leads to the release of pre-ejaculatory fluids. Regarding the above, certainly there is Midas Chassidus for the wife to avoid touching the penis for pure lustful purposes, and so may be followed if it is agreed upon by both spouses, as explained in Halacha 13B.]

E. Ejaculating outside wife: [23]

It is [Biblically] forbidden for the husband to ejaculate outside his wife’s vagina, due to the severe prohibition of Zera Levatala. Therefore, he may not penetrate her vaginally and then pull out to ejaculate outside her [i.e. Dash Mebifnim Vezoreh Mibachutz].

17. Condom:

It is forbidden to have intercourse while wearing a condom due to the prohibition of Zera Levatala. See Appendix 4 Halacha 5 for the full details of this subject!

18. Non-Tzenius dress & Lingerie, makeup & perfume – May/should a wife dress up for her husband in an attractive but un-Tzenius fashion for the sake of intimacy?

General perspective: From the letter of the law, in the privacy of her home, a wife may get dressed up in any fashion she sees fit on behalf of attracting her husband to her and facilitating passion and intimacy, so long as it does not transgress the Tzenius laws which are applicable even in privacy. Furthermore, Benos Yisrael are recommended to dress up for their husbands in an attractive manner, with attractive outfits, makeup, jewelry, and perfume for this purpose, in order to stimulate the husband’s interest in her and facilitate intimacy. This applies even if her husband is a very pious Jew and is a Torah scholar.[24] This is even considered an act of Kedusha and Taharah.[25] To some extent, this applies even when she is a Niddah.[26]

Non-Tznius but unrevealing clothing in privacy of home: When the wife is not a Niddah, she may even wear non-revealing clothing, that are below the regular standards of Tzenius, which she would never walk out of the house wearing [either due to a Halachic prohibition, or due to the accepted mode of Tznius dress that she is accustomed to]. Thus, wearing a tight blouse or skirt in the privacy of her home is permitted on behalf of her husband, even though walking outside in this manner would be contrary to the laws of Tzenius.[27] Nonetheless, if she feels uncomfortable with a certain form of un-Tznius dress, even in the privacy of her home, and it makes her feel ashamed, shallow, and un-Tznius, then doing so may prove counterproductive. Likewise, when there are children around the house who have reached the age of Chinuch, this should only be done in the privacy of her bedroom when her husband is there, such as prior to a scheduled session of intimacy. [Furthermore, the Rebbe encouraged for women to follow all codes of modesty, even when alone at home, and by doing so one merits having special and G-d fearing children. Hence, one should try to limit the above to times and areas of scheduled intimacy.[28]] Whatever the case, a proper balance should be found, and she should be aware that although prior to marriage we always emphasize absolute Tznius and non-attention seeking dress, after marriage, for the sake of her husband, she is permitted and encouraged to dress up for him in the privacy of her home in ways that she may feel is improper for her to walk outside. By dressing attractively for her husband in the permitted ways, she fulfills a Mitzvah and is doing an act of Kedusha and Taharah as has been done by our foremothers; she should not feel bad about this new phase of life that she is entering which requires a modification to some of her ways of dress until now. Thus, a husband should recognize this need of his wife to look attractive for him, and buy her proper clothing and ornaments for this effect, as would do the Arizal, as brought below. Nonetheless, the above is only a general perspective on a wife being allowed, and even encouraged, to beautify herself on behalf of her husband, however, some Tznius restrictions do apply even when done for her husband’s sake and in the privacy of their home, as explained next. Likewise, the emphasis in this matter must be on making herself look attractive to her husband, and not simply to have the right to dress un-Tznius. Often, the way secular people dress is both un-Tznius and unattractive, the emphasis and intent of the above allowance and encouragement is to draw attraction from one’s husband.

Non-Tznius revealing clothing – Revealing parts of the body that are normally covered:[29] The restrictions against revealing parts of the body that are normally covered applies even in the privacy of her home, and even when done on behalf of attracting her husband, as explained in Halacha 8 which restricts being undressed in the room when not under the covers. This is in addition to the normal Talmudic encouragement for a woman to always be Tznius, even in her own home.[30] Thus, to wear a short skirt above the knees without stockings, or to wear a sleeveless dress which reveals the arms, and certainly to wear lingerie without anything over it, would still be restricted under the general laws of Tznius.[31] This restriction applies even in the privacy of her room, and certainly applies outside her room when she has children around. [However, as explained there in Halacha 8, some learn that these restrictions are mere Midas Chassidus and not required from the letter of the law.] However, seemingly, it remains permitted for a woman who is not a Niddah to walk around without socks and stockings,[32] and to wear a short skirt above the knees if stockings are worn, in the privacy of her home for the sake of her husband, if children are not present.[33] However, care must be taken that the husband does not learn Torah or Daven when he can see her bare legs.[34] [Furthermore, it is an act of piety for a woman to follow all codes of modesty even when alone at home, and by doing so one merits having special and G-d fearing children.[35] Thus, a wife should limit her above form of revealing dress to times and areas of scheduled intimacy.]

Getting dressed up attractively when outside, for the sake of her husband:[36] All the above allowances only refer to when the wife is inside the privacy of her home with her husband. However, when she goes outside, she must always keep to a standard Tznius dress and may not compromise on Tznius guidelines even for the sake of looking attractive and pleasing to her husband. Dressing in an overly attractive and attention seeking manner when out in the public, transgresses the laws of Tznius, can cause men to stumble on sinful thoughts, and can cause feelings of jealousy amongst other people, and even amongst other husbands and wives in a way that negatively affects their Shalom Bayis.[37] Some women tend to invest in looking very attractive when they leave their home, but in the house itself do not bother to get dressed up for their husband, when in truth, the contrary should be followed.[38] Nonetheless, this does not mean that she must try to look unattractive when she goes out, and on the contrary, she should try to look presentable and maintain a basic level of attraction and beauty for her husband and friends even when going out, and she may put on a limited amount of jewelry, makeup, and a slight amount of perfume for this purpose.[39] It is only the overdoing of the beautification that is negated. [Thus, for example, too much perfume, which can be smelled by people around her, is forbidden to be worn.[40]] The husband is to be made aware of this, and is not to Chas Veshalom influence or pressure his wife to dress in an overly attractive and attention seeking manner when she goes outside, even if it is for the sake of pleasing him. Unfortunately, in some homes it is specifically the wife who desires to keep the proper form of dress outside, but her husband pushes her to dress more pleasing to him, compromising on her standards of Tznius. The compromise in such a case is for the wife to dress up for him as he desires in the privacy of their home, and when going outside to maintain the standard Tznius dress code.

Lingerie: It is perfectly acceptable for a wife to purchase and wear seductive lingerie for the sake of her husband, and doing so can fall under the general recommendation of the sages for a wife to beautify herself for her husband, as stated in the main paragraph above. Nonetheless, the lingerie is to be worn under her clothing, such as under a robe, as ideally, she is not allowed to walk around the room in this fashion, as stated above. [However, as explained there in Halacha 8, some learn that this restriction is mere Midas Chassidus and not required from the letter of the law.] When she is under the covers, she may remove her clothing or robe and allow her husband to enjoy the way she looks. Husbands should consider providing their wives with money in order for them to purchase attractive lingerie on their behalf.   Make up & perfume: As stated above, the wife is encouraged to put on makeup and wear perfume for the sake of attracting her husband. Regarding wearing this outside of the house, see the paragraph above.   Giving one’s wife money to purchase attractive clothing, makeup and perfume: A husband is required to provide his wife with money for the sake of her purchasing items to beautify herself such as attractive clothing, makeup, and perfume. In fact, the holy Arizal, who no one can accuse of being interested in physical lusts, would specifically provide his wife with money for the sake of purchasing expensive dresses and outfits for her to look beautiful.[41] As stated above, there is nothing wrong with the wife purchasing attractive clothing to wear in the privacy of her home for her husband, even though she would never walk outside in this outfit due to it not being on her level of Tzenius. However, as stated above, certain regulations must be followed even when inside the home, such as if there are children present or the outfit is too revealing.   May the husband wear perfume or cologne: Men are not to wear perfume or cologne when they are going outside of their home.[42] However, inside their home, for the sake of one’s wife, it is permitted to put on men’s cologne.[43] However, women’s perfume should not be worn due to a possible prohibition of Beged Isha.[44]

 

19. Intimacy and foreplay during times that actual intercourse is not intended to take place: [45]

Hugging and kissing that does not lead to an erection:[46] It is permitted for a couple to hug and kiss anytime throughout the day, even if they do not plan on having intercourse until much later on or even on another day. [Furthermore, it is strongly encouraged for a husband to initiate hugging and kissing his wife throughout the day in order for her to feel loved and content, so that when they later have actual intimacy, she will be there with him in heart and spirit. Often, a wife may feel bitter at her husband because she feels that she is not being paid attention, and real Shalom Bayis challenges are due to this. Often though, a simple occasional hug and kiss outside of the bedroom can solve these feelings and help her feel loved and cared for. Every man and woman have a love language that answers their emotional needs in the relationship, and for some, a sporadic hug and kiss unrelated to sexual intimacy is what satiates their emotional desires. Every couple should discuss with each other their love languages to help make them content in this matter even outside sessions of sexual intimacy.[47]]

Hugging, kissing and other sexual activity that leads to an erection: From the letter of the law, the couple may engage in hugging, kissing, and all forms of sexual activity [i.e. foreplay] anytime during the day and night, even if they do not plan on having actual intercourse at that time, and even if it will lead to an erection.[48] However, some Poskim[49] rule that if hugging and kissing will lead to an erection, then it is to be avoided until the time of actual planned intercourse.[50] [According to this approach, certainly heavy sexual activity should be avoided until the time of actual intercourse. Accordingly, some suggest that initially the husband should not engage in this sort of hugging and kissing throughout the day, until the scheduled time for intercourse has arrived, and that rather he should appease his wife in other ways, such as by complimenting her, and giving her treats and gifts.[51] Practically, those who engage in hugging and kissing for the sake of making the wife feel loved have upon whom to rely, even if it brings them to have an erection.[52]] According to all, if one suspects that hugging and kissing can lead to Zera Levatala, then they may not be involved in any sexual activity prior to the time when they are ready for intercourse.[53] Furthermore, if it will lead to excretion of pre-ejaculatory fluids, then since it is considered Zera Levtala according to Kabbalah, it is not to be done.[54] Likewise, according to all, if the sexual activity is being done simply for the sake of arousing or satiating his lust, and not for the sake of the Mitzvah of making his wife feel loved, then it should not be done, as it is the advice of the evil inclination; as from the permitted sexual encounter, the Yetzer Hara will entice the person to perform a forbidden sexual encounter. On this, the sages stated that one who arouses himself to have an erection willingly, is [fit to be put[55]] in excommunication [and according to some Poskim[56] is placed in automatic excommunication].[57]

By times that intimacy is meant to take place:[58] All the above discussion is only regarding intimacy during times that intercourse will not take place. However, prior to a planned session of intercourse, everyone agrees that one may, and is even encouraged, to kiss his wife and do other actions with her, even if it will cause him to have an erection, so long as it does not lead to pre-ejaculation. Regarding the status of precum, see the next Halacha!

Q&A May the husband think of his wife and bring himself to have an erection when he is alone without her? The husband may not think of being with his wife in a sexual manner that arouses him and causes an erection when he is not with her.[59] Doing so is certainly the advice of the evil inclination. On this, the sages stated that one who arouses himself to have an erection willingly, is [at least fit to be put[60]] in excommunication.[61] [If, however, he needs to do so in order to motivate himself to be with her, then it may be done immediately prior to intimacy for the sake of arousing desire for her.]   May the husband excite his wife and bring her to a clitoral/vaginal climax not during times of intimacy? Although women are not commanded against Zera Levatala with their own seed, nevertheless, according to Kabbalah, the prohibition of “Zera Levatala” applies even to women, and those women who do so increase evil spirits and Kelipos. However, seemingly this only applies when the wife is alone and doing so to herself. However, to have her husband do so for her during intimacy, or for her to do so to herself during intimacy with her husband, is seemingly valid even according to Kabbalah, even if it takes place prior to, or post, the penetration. Nonetheless, from some sources it is evident that even prior to or post intercourse it should not be done, according to Kabbalah, and certainly when it is not done with intent to have intercourse. Whatever the case, certainly it is permitted according to Halacha, so long as it does not lead the husband to have Zera Levatala. See Halacha 13A in Q&A for the full details of this subject!   May the wife give herself clitoral or vaginal excitement and climax when she is not with her husband? Although this is permitted from the letter of the law, nonetheless, based on the above ruling of Kabbalah, a woman is to avoid getting herself sexually excited and stimulated, and is certainly to avoid masturbation. The above, however, only refers to the actual act of stimulation, however to entertain sexual thoughts of a man other than her husband is Biblically forbidden even for women, and hence, thinking immoral thoughts of a man transgresses a Biblical prohibition irrelevant of whether it leads to stimulation of Zera Levatala.[62]   May a couple engage in affectionate touch [i.e. hugging, kissing, etc.] in front of their children? Halachic perspective:[63] It is forbidden for a husband and wife to affectionately touch each other in front of other people.[64] Once one’s child knows how to talk, one is not to engage in affectionate touch in front of the children, just as is the law regarding any other person. It would thus be forbidden for the couple or parents to engage in open affection, such as hugging, kissing and holding hands in front of their children, just as it is forbidden to do so in public, and so is the custom of all G-d fearing Jews. [Furthermore, it is an act of piety to avoid kissing one’s wife, or doing other sexually related activity, even in front of very small children, such as babies in a crib, as this matter gets engrained in their eyes and mind until the day of their death.[65]] Psychological perspective: Arguments pro and against showing affection in front of one’s children have been given from an educational, and psychological, perspective. Some claim doing so is a positive thing that helps one’s children know that the parents love each other, and introduces love into their lives. Others counter that doing so makes the child uncomfortable, as they are not interested in seeing a display of intimacy between their parents. It can also lead the child to have a heightened desire for his own intimacy with a partner, prior to marriage. One can educate one’s children in showing love, and teach them that their parents love each other, by performing acts of kindness to each other in their presence, and speaking respectfully to one another. Practically, as stated above, it is forbidden to touch affectionately in front of others, which includes one’s children.

 

 

20. Intimacy prior to penetration that leads to drops of pre-ejaculatory fluid [i.e. precum]:[66]

While from a medical perspective motile sperm may be found in pre-ejaculatory fluid,[67] according to Halacha, pre-ejaculatory fluid is not defined as Zera Levatala.[68] Thus, it is permitted for one to engage in hugging, kissing, and other sexual activity prior to intercourse even if it causes the pre-ejaculatory liquid to secrete. However, according to Kabbalah, even the pre-ejaculatory fluid is defined as Zera Levatala.[69] [Practically, one does not need to be stringent in this matter if it will interfere with the intimacy, however, one who is able to be careful in this is certainly doing an act of Kedusha and Taharah. If one desires to be stringent, he can ask his wife’s consent to shorten the amount of foreplay prior to the actual intercourse in order to prevent the secretion of this pre-ejaculatory liquid, and offer her to make up for it her after the intercourse. According to Kabbalah, a great Tikkun for one who did excrete the above liquids prior to penetration, is to immerse in a Mikveh the next day and say Viduiy.[70]]

 

21. Instruments of pleasure [i.e. vibrators, and the like]:

During intimacy: There is no inherent prohibition involved in using vibrators and other instruments [i.e. sex toys] for the sake of stimulation during intimacy. Nonetheless, certainly it is a lack of Tznius, Kedusha and Taharah to make use of matters whose entire intent is lust and promiscuity as opposed to love and intimacy. Hence, they should only be used if the couple is facing difficulty in reaching sexual stimulation on their own, and these items are therefore desired to be used in order to raise the quality of their intimacy. However, to use them simply to increase lust and pleasure, is certainly not the way of Torah or Kedusha and Taharah, even if there is no law which invalidates it, and hence they should certainly  be avoided by all refined Chassidic couples. However, if the husband desires to be stringent to not touch his wife’s vagina, as stated in Halacha 10, then this is another viable option to help stimulate and pleasure his wife.

Not during intimacy: Instruments of pleasure are not to be used outside of intimacy sessions between the husband and wife, due to the Kabalistic warning that the prohibition of Zera Levatala applies likewise to women. See Halacha 16 in Q&A!

 

22. Pornography, romance movies, and sex related literature, such as books, stories, and novels:

Educational literature:[71] It is permitted, and even encouraged, for a husband to make himself knowledgeable and aware of the various methods and techniques of how to perform intimacy and intercourse in a way that pleasures his wife, for the sake of increasing Shalom Bayis. If necessary, he may read Kosher sex guidebooks or articles for this purpose, and may visit a sex therapist [i.e. Chasan or Kallah teacher] for personal help and guidance. [This allowance likewise applies to the wife. However, certainly there is no allowance to see immodest pictures or sex videos, Chas Veshalom, under the cloak of learning the various ways and methods in order to increase Shalom Bayis. The above allowance is only for scientific and medical guides.]

Sex stories and romance novels:[72] It is forbidden for one to read sex stories and romance novels, as one entices the evil inclination on himself. Those who compile them and those who copy them, and it goes without saying those who published them, are included within those who cause the public to sin. [One who reads such literature transgresses the negative command of “Lo Sasura Ahcharei Livavchem Viachareiy Eiyneichem.[73] This prohibition applies individually to both the husband and the wife, and applies whether they read it together or on their own.[74] There is no allowance to do so, even on the basis of lack of libido or excitement and for the intent of them being intimate.]

Pornography and romance movies: It goes without saying that it is forbidden to look at pornography, romance movies, or immodest pictures, Chas Veshalom, even if the couple desires to watch it together for the sake of increasing their libido and excitement. This prohibition applies to both the man and the woman, as stated above. Doing so certainly transgresses the Biblical prohibition of Lo Sasura,[75] and most certainly transgresses the regulation against speaking of unrelated matters during intimacy, being that it can lead one to think of another woman [See Halacha 2B], and certainly seeing pictures of another woman can cause this. [Some make the mistake to think that if the wife does not mind, then from the letter of the law there is nothing being transgressed if they engage in these matters together for the sake of their intimacy, as it will not lead to Zera Levatala. However, in truth, besides for the absolutely destructive effects pornographic materials have on true love and intimacy, a Biblical prohibition is transgressed, as the prohibition against entertaining sexual thoughts of a woman applies irrelevant of the concept of Zera Levatala, and is applicable even to women.]

Watching animals mating:[76] One may not stare at animals or birds who are mating. [Thus, one may not look at videos of mating animals.]

 

Filtered internet: Based on the above, it is imperative that couples make sure that they maintain filtered internet at home which will prevent them from succumbing to lusts, such as reading or watching forbidden materials. Many unsuspecting Frum, Hassidic and even scholarly couples who maintain unfiltered internet access have fallen prey to this normal, natural, but most damaging and prohibitive material. The only way to prevent it, is to have a proper filter on their phones and other internet connections. Many people think that filters are only necessary to protect children from forbidden content, but forget about themselves and that they too are human and also need protection, to stop themselves from falling prey to a most vicious, damaging and prohibitive exposure of pornography which sucks everything pure and holy from intimacy. Q&A May one read sex stories for the sake of increasing his libido and ability to function better in bed with his spouse? No, as stated above.

 

 

23. Cutting and shaving body hair, armpit and pubic hair – Men & Women:

1. Men trimming/shaving their legs, arms, chest:[77]

Trimming with scissor:[78] From the letter of the law, it is permitted for men to remove, with a scissor, the hair of the legs, arms, and chest. [Doing so does not transgress the prohibition of Beged Isha, or any other prohibition. However, removing hair from the Peiyos, beard, pubic area and armpits, is subject to various restrictions and Biblical or Rabbinical prohibitions.]

Razor and razor-like scissor shave: One may shave the above limbs [arms, legs, chest, not including armpits or pubic area] using a scissor, to an even razor-like shave.[79] It is, however, forbidden for a man to shave any area of his body using an actual razor.[80] [The above prohibition only applies in an area of the world where only women shave their arms and legs. However, in a place where it is common also for men to shave with a razor, then a man may even initially shave these areas of the body.[81]]

Summary: From the letter of the law, it is permitted to trim body hair that grows on the legs, arms, or chest [with exception to the hair of the Peiyos, beard, pubic area and armpits, which is subject to its own restrictions]. It is forbidden to shave even the above areas using a razor, unless it is common for men to do so in one’s country.

 

1. Men shaving armpits and pubic hair:[82]

It is forbidden for a man to remove his armpit hair or his pubic hair.[83] This applies even against using scissors to shave the hair to a razor-like cut [i.e. Keiyn Ta’ar].[84] [One who transgresses the above has transgressed a Rabbinical command.[85]] In previous times, one who shaved the above areas would have been liable for receiving Rabbinical lashes [i.e. Makas Mardus].

Areas that men also shave:[86] The above prohibition only applies in an area where only women shave their armpits and pubic area. However, in an area where it is common for men also to shave these places of the body, then one who shaves it does not receive Rabbinical lashes.[87] Furthermore, in such communities a man may even initially shave these areas of the body.[88] Nevertheless, the scrupulous Jews [i.e. Chaveirim] avoid shaving these areas of the body, even in such communities.[89] [Likewise, according to Kabbalah, one is to abstain from doing so.[90]]

Areas that women do not shave:[91] If a man shaved his pubic hair in a community that even women do not shave their pubic hair, then he is not liable for lashes [although a Rabbinical prohibition remains].

Full body shave:[92] One who shaves his entire body, from head [under the Peiyos and beard[93]] to toe, some Poskim[94] rule that it is permitted for him to also shave his armpits and pubic hair.[95]

Itching the armpit and pubic area:[96] It is forbidden to itch with one’s hands the hair of one’s armpits and pubic area with the intent to remove the hair. It is, however, permitted to itch it through his clothing.

Shaving for medical purposes:[97] [It is permitted to shave the armpits and pubic area for medical purposes.[98] Thus] one who has a painful skin ailment in his armpits or pubic area, and the pain is being aggravated due to the hair, may shave off the hair.[99]

Summary: It is forbidden for a man to remove his armpit or pubic hair even with a scissor. [It is forbidden to trim the armpits or pubic area at all, even a very small amount – see Q&A!] The above prohibition only applies in an area where only women shave their armpits and pubic area. However, the scrupulous Jews avoid shaving these areas of the body even in such communities. It is forbidden to itch with one’s hands the hair of one’s armpits and pubic area with the intent to remove the hair. It is, however, permitted to itch it through his clothing. It is permitted to shave the armpits and pubic hair for medical purposes.   Q&A May a man trim his armpits and pubic area? Some Poskim[100] rule that it is permitted to trim down armpit and pubic hair, so long as the final result is not a razor-like shave. Other Poskim[101] rule that it is forbidden to trim the armpit or pubic area at all, even a very small amount. The Chabad ruling follows the latter opinions.   In judging the common practice of men in an area vis a vis shaving pubic hair, does one follow the gentile or Jewish custom of men?[102] It is possible to learn that this refers even to gentiles, that if the male gentiles commonly shave these areas then it is permitted for Jewish males to do so as well. On the other hand, it is possible to learn that it refers to the Jewish male population, that when this is the common practice, they are not to be protested. The Rebbe leans to rule like the former approach.[103]     May one pluck out pubic hair with his fingers?[104] No. However, in areas that it is common for men to shave the pubic area, then even a scrupulous person may do so.

 

1. Women shaving body hair and pubic hair:[105]

It is customary for women to shave their legs, armpits, pubic area, and other body areas for the sake of beauty.

Shaving the Pubic hair – History & Custom: It used to be, in Temple times, that Jewish girls did not grow pubic hair, neither under their armpits nor in their pubic area. This was an advantage of beauty held by Jewish girls over the daughters of other nations, as the verse states, “Vayeitzei Lach Sheim Bagoyim Beyafyeich.”[106] Some[107] explain this to mean that they did not grow any hair at all, while others[108] interpret it to mean that they grew very short hairs. After the destruction of the Temple, the Jewish girls’ advantage of beauty was removed and they began to grow hair.[109] Nonetheless, since ideally they are not meant to have hair in these areas, therefore there is no reason to abstain from shaving it, even according to Kabbalah.[110] Practically, it is customary amongst women of Sephardi origin to be particular to shave their pubic hair and armpit hair prior to immersion in a Mikveh, in order to avoid issues with having a Chatzitza.[111] However, amongst Ashkenazi women there is no need for them to be particular in this matter, and some decide to shave it, while others trim it, or simply leave it as it is.

Q&A Is there anything wrong for a woman to shave her pubic hairs? As stated above, there is nothing wrong in doing so, neither according to Halacha nor Kabbalah, and on the contrary, it rectifies a historic beauty that Jewish women once had, and fulfills the accustomed “Tikkun Nashim” that Jewish women used to follow.   May the husband help his wife shave her pubic hairs? Yes, however, care should be taken to avoid staring at his wife’s vaginal area. Likewise, due to reasons of Kedusha and Tznius, it should only be done if the wife is truly unable to shave herself, and the shaving is a necessity.

 

24. Music – Listening to music during intimacy:

With singing: One is not to listen to music that contains the singing voice of an individual during intimacy, being that it can lead him or her to think of that person during the intimacy, which is forbidden.[112] Certainly, music that contains lyrics may not be listened to due to this reason. This applies whether the music is Jewish or secular. This applies even to a Chassidic Niggun being sung vocally.  

Only with instruments: There is no prohibition against listening to music which contains only musical instruments and no vocal sounds during intimacy, unless the music reminds one of other people, in which case it is forbidden. Nonetheless, this should only be done if it will not distract neither the husband nor the wife from focusing on each other. Often, however, depending on the music, it can actually lead to a much more passionate and focused intimacy and is therefore even encouraged to be done in order to increase the love and affection. Seemingly, due to this reason, listening to Nigginum played by instruments is not only permitted during intimacy but at times even encouraged, if it can lead to a more passionate, holy and pure experience while helping the husband and wife focus on holy thoughts of bonding.    

25. Pictures in the marital bedroom:[113]

All pictures of people are to be removed from the marital bedroom prior to intimacy.[114] However, pictures of the couple may remain in the room.

May pictures of Tzadikim remain in a room where one will have marital intimacy?[115] Technically, it is permitted to do so.[116] Furthermore, some imply that it is even praiseworthy to do so.[117] Nevertheless, being that some feel uncomfortable having intimacy in front of a Tzadik, therefore it is best to cover it with a single covering, or remove the picture from the wall.[118]

[1] Rama E.H. 25:2; See Taharas Yisrael 240:34-40

[2] See Sheyikadesh Atzmo [Nachmonson-2015] p.  475-480

Background and other opinions: The Gemara in Nedarim 20a, brought in Tur 240, states, “Rebbe Yochanon ben Dehavaiy said, ‘The Malachei Hashareis told me four things: The first being that that children who are crippled are born that way because their parents had intimacy in a way that turns the table around.’” However, the Chochamim conclude that, “The Halacha is unlike Rebbe Yochanon Ben Dehavaiy, and rather whatever a person desires to do with his wife he may. To what is this similar? To meat in a kitchen. If one wants to eat it salted, he eats it salted. If one wants to eat it roasted, he eats it roasted. If he wants to eat it cooked, he eats it cooked, and the same applies to fish…. There was a woman who came before Rebbe and said, ‘Rebbe, I prepared for him a table and he turned it over.’ He said to her, ‘My daughter, The Torah permitted you, and what can I do for you.’ The same story occurred with Rav. A woman came to him and said, ‘Rebbe, I made for him a table and he turned it over.’  Rav replied, ‘Why is it different than the Banisa fish.’” This led to a debate amongst the Rishonim and Poskim as to whether anal intercourse is permitted, and if so, may one even ejaculate during it. The most extreme opinion of prohibition understood that this case in the Talmud is not referring to anal intercourse at all, but rather to animal style penetration, front to back, or to the woman on top, and thus anal intercourse is always forbidden even a single time and even without ejaculation. [Sefer Chareidim Teshuvah 2, brought in Sh’lah Sha’ar Ha’osyos Kedusha 361-362] To the other extreme, some Poskim understand this Gemara to be talking about actual anal intercourse, and that even ejaculation is permitted, albeit only on occasion. [Riy, brought in Tur ibid] Others understand it to permit anal intercourse, but without ejaculation. [Rambam Issureiy Biyah 21:9] See Panim Me’iros 2:158

[3] 1^st and Stam opinion in Rama E.H. 25:2, “He may penetrate her whether normally or abnormally,” and the simple understanding is that this refers to anal intercourse as learns Elya Raba 240:10, Rambam Issureiy Biyah 21:9, “And Shelo Kedarka so long as semen is not released”; 1^st opinion in Tur E.H. 25:2 and Beis Yosef 240:4 and Beis Yosef E.H. 25:2 that we rule like Chachamim, Rebbe and Rav; 1^st answer of Riy in Tosafos Yevamos 34b; Kiryat Sefer 8; Panim Me’iros 2:158; Kol Bo Hilchos Ishus 75; Ran Nedarim 20b; See Chareidim Teshuvah 2 [prohibits Zera Levatala]

[4] Elya Raba 240:10 in implication of Rama ibid

[5] See Chareidim Teshuvah 2 and Sh’lah Sha’ar Ha’osyos Kedusha 361

[6] See Appendix 4 Halacha 1 at great length!

[7] 2^nd opinion in Rama ibid; 2^nd opinion in Tur O.C. 240:4 and E.H. 25:2 and Beis Yosef 240:4; 2^nd answer in Riy in Tosafos Yevamos 34b; Bach E.H. 25:2; Pirush Harosh on Nedarim ibid explains that it refers to anal, and Rosh Yevamos 3:9 explains that doing so on occasion is permitted even with Zera Levatala and that the second answer of the Riy is the Ikkur, brought in Beis Yosef ibid; Tosafos Sanhedrin 58b; Rabbeinu Yerucham Nesiv 23:1; Agudah; See Sefer Chareidim Teshuvah 2, brought in Sh’lah Sha’ar Ha’osyos Kedusha 361-362, that in addition to negating this lenient opinion, he explains that even according to this opinion, the term, “on occasion,” refers to only one time throughout the person’s entire life; However, see Elya Raba 240:10 at length in defense of this opinion here and negation of the opinion in Chareidim and that the intent here is that one may have anal intercourse even very often, so long as ejaculation only takes place on occasion; See Ezer Mikodesh 25:2 who leans to conclude that the main Halacha of the Rama and Beis Yosef follows this opinion and questions from where the Chareidim learned to interpret “on occasion” as only one time in one’s entire life.

[8] The reason: As the Torah only prohibited it similar to Er and Onen, in which they committed Zera Levatala constantly for the sake of not getting their wife pregnant. However, on mere occasion does not transgress the general prohibition. [2^nd answer in Riy ibid]

The law by non-anal intercourse: Seemingly, the above leniency is limited to intimacy, and possibly even only to anal intercourse, which is nonetheless defined as intercourse. However, to expel Zera Levatala through other forms of intercourse, such as oral or Derech Eivarim, and certainly through the hands, would be forbidden according to all, even though it is done with one’s wife. Vetzaruch Iyun, as although the Heter of the Poskim ibid refers specifically to Shelo Kedarka, nonetheless some Poskim write that Shelo Kedarka includes all forms of intercourse [see Derisha E.H. 25:6; Torah L’shma 289, “Derech Eivarim, between her thighs, that he did not ejaculate inside at all”]. However, on the other hand, the Poskim all agree to the ruling of Michaber in E.H. 23:1 that it is forbidden to finish outside one’s wife, hence implying that the entire allowance of the above Poskim is limited specifically to anal intercourse, which is defined Halachically as a form of intercourse. Certainly, however, masturbating would be forbidden even according to this opinion, as proven from many sources in the Talmud and Poskim, and the leniency above is only relevant during intimacy, and possibly only during anal intercourse.

[9] Chelkas Mechokeik 25:2; Beis Yosef E.H. 25, “It is a difficult matter to permit one to transgress Zera Levatala even on occasion, and thus one who guards his soul is to distance himself from this.”; Bedek Habayis, brought in Beis Yosef E.H. 25:2, that if the Riy would have seen the words of the Zohar regarding the severity of Zera Levatala, he would not have written it; Beir Heiytiv 25:2; Gur Aryeh 25; Pnei Moshe 25:2; Zayis Ranan 25; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 47:4 footnote 6

[10] Beis Shmuel E.H. 25:3; Bach E.H. 25:2; Pnei Moshe 25:2; Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 7 Chulya Beis 2; See Elya Raba 240:10 in negation of their opinion

[11] The reason: In order so that one not come to ejaculate. [Beis Shmuel ibid]

[12] Rebbe Yochanon Ben Dehavaiy, and so rule, even according to Chachamim: Sefer Chareidim Teshuvah 2; Reishis Chochmah Sha’ar Hakedusha 16:29-30; Sh’lah Hakadosh Sha’ar Ha’osyos Erech Kedusha at length in 360-364 the Sh’lah brings verbatim the entire ruling of Chareidim ibid and in 401 writes, “One must know by heart every word that is written there with exception to his ruling regarding Hafichas Hashulchan,” evidently ruling like him that anal intercourse is never allowed, even without Zera Levatala; Milchemes Mitzvah of the son of Rashbatz; Yeshuos Yaakov 240:4; Nachlas Tzevi 25:2; Some Girsa’os of Rama 25a, “But not in the anus,” brought in Gur Aryeh from Defus Venetzia.

[13] Sefer Chareidim ibid; Sh’lah ibid

[14] All Poskim ibid in their various levels of permission, all negate the Chiddush of the Chareidim and so also rule: Tur 240:4; Pirush HaRosh on Nedarim 20b; Elya Raba 240:10; Panim Me’iros 2:158; Birkeiy Yosef 240:5 in name of Ran; Yeshuos Yaakov 25:2

[15] See Reishis Chochmah Sha’ar Hakedusha 16:28-30

[16] Rama ibid; Tur E.H. 25:2; Rambam Issureiy Biyah 21:9; Conclusion of Elya Raba 240:10 that one is to be stringent and not do so, as rules the Zohar and Poskim; Yeshuos Yaakov 25:2 that in this generation one is to be stringent; See Igros Moshe E.H. 3:28; Aruch Hashulchan in chapter 240 writes like the Rama, however in Even Ha’ezer 25:10-11 he writes that although there are no restrictions on a man for what he may do with his wife, “may kiss every limb, and have natural and unnatural relations…” nevertheless, one should sanctify himself to only do Tashmish in the natural way, as it’s very difficult to guard seed from spilling, and even though there are opinions which allow even this to be done occasionally, nevertheless, it’s difficult to say like their opinion, and one who guards his soul will distance himself from it.

[17] Tur 240:4 in name of Ra’avad; Ra’avad in Ba’alei Hanefesh Sha’ar Hakedusha 6; Elya Raba 240:10; See Atzei Arazim E.H. 25:1 at length

[18] Rama ibid; See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 47 footnote 10 that according to the Bach and Beis Shmuel brought in the previous Halacha regarding anal intercourse, here too it is only permitted on occasion, lest one come to ejaculate.

[19] Torah L’shma 299; Pnei Moshe 25:2; See also Sheyikadesh Atzmo 47 footnote 8

[20] Rama ibid

[21] All Poskim ibid regarding anal intercourse which prohibit Zera Levatala; Rama ibid in first opinion, “As long as he does not release seed in vain”; Possible implication of Rama ibid that even the lenient opinion only allows ejaculation by anal intercourse and not by Derech Eivarim.

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that it is permitted to even ejaculate on occasion during non-penetrative intercourse, such as between the thighs. [Possible understanding of 2^nd opinion in Rama ibid, and Riy in Tosafos Yevamos 34b; See Derisha E.H. 25:6 that all non-vaginal intercourse is considered Shelo Kedarka and is hence included in the allowance of Riy and all Poskim who rule like him, that one may ejaculate on occasion even through Derech Eivarim; Implication of Poskim who write, “Bah Aleha Derech Eivarim,” that it includes also ejaculation; See Torah L’shma 289, “Derech Eivarim, between her thighs, that he did not ejaculate inside at all.”]

The law according to the 2^nd opinion in Rama ibid: Seemingly, the leniency of the lenient opinion recorded in the Rama ibid only applies to anal intercourse, which is nonetheless defined as intercourse. However, to expel Zera Levatala through other forms of intercourse, such as oral or Derech Eivarim, and certainly through the hands, would be forbidden according to all, even though it is done with one’s wife. Vetzaruch Iyun, as although the Heter of the Poskim ibid refers specifically to Shelo Kedarka, nonetheless some Poskim write that Shelo Kedarka includes all forms of intercourse [see Derisha E.H. 25:6; Torah L’shma 289 “Derech Eivarim, between her thighs, that he did not ejaculate inside at all”]. However, on the other hand, the Poskim all agree to the ruling of Michaber in E.H. 23:1 that it is forbidden to finish outside one’s wife, hence implying that the entire allowance of the above Poskim is limited specifically to anal intercourse, which is defined Halachically as a form of intercourse. Certainly, however, masturbating would be forbidden even according to this opinion, as proven from many sources in the Talmud and Poskim, and the leniency above is only relevant during intimacy, and possibly only during anal intercourse.

[22] Michaber E.H. 23:2; Rambam Issureiy Biyah 21:18; Niddah 13a [From the wording there it is clearly implied that a hand job is even more severe than Dash Mepfnim and Zoreh Mibachutz, which itself is also forbidden]; See previous footnotes that this would be forbidden according to all opinions, as even the lenient opinion in the Rama and Riy ibid do not permit ejaculation outside of intercourse which is defined at least as Derech Eivarim, even on occasion. Furthermore, causing ejaculation with one’s hand can be defined as Niuf. [See Igros Moshe E.H. 1:70; 2:16; 3:14]

[23] Michaber E.H. 23:1; Niddah 13a; Yevamos 34b; It is clear that this applies even according to the lenient opinion in Rama and Riy ibid, who seemingly only are lenient by Shelo Kedarka.

[24] See Kesubos 59b, “A wife is for beauty”; Shabbos 25b, “A woman who is Mekushetes for Torah scholars” [However, see Rashba on Shabbos ibid that this refers to spiritual beauty; See also Chidushei Agados of Maharal on Shabbos ibid which explains that this applies specifically for the wife of a Torah scholar, as he will not be drawn after his Yetzer Hara]; Shabbos 25b ,“A women who is beautified for her [husband who is a] Torah scholar.”; Ta’anis 23b regarding wife of Aba Chilkiya; Orchos Chaim [Lunil] 2 Hilchos Kesubos explains this Gemara as follows, “So he does not desire another woman, as his inclination is greater than others’, as whoever is greater than his friend, his inclination is also greater… Accordingly, it is forbidden for a Torah scholar to allow his wife to dress unattractively even when she is in mourning, in order so she not be despised in his eyes, and he come to look at other women… It is forbidden for her to look unattractive as it causes her husband to stumble in forbidden lust.”; Or Hachaim Hakadosh Vayeitzei, “A Torah scholar needs to take a beautiful woman due to his Yetzer Hara”; Pela Yoeitz “Yofi” “It is fit for a father to take beautiful women for his sons in order so they do not look elsewhere, and so too for this reason he should purchase ornaments in order so she find favor in his eyes and he not look at other women.”

[25] See Sotah 11b; Shemos Raba 8; Mei’am Loez Shemos Chapter p. 31 [new edition] that the wives of Bnei Yisrael in the Midbar would dress attractive for their husbands in order to seduce them and have children, and they used mirrors for this purpose which were eventually recycled to be used for the making of the Kiyos, which sanctified the hands and feet of the Kohanim which were the epitome of Kedusha and Taharah.

[26] See Michaber Y.D. 195:9, “With difficulty, the Sages permitted her to get dressed up for her husband when she is a Niddah [and it is only allowed] in order so she does not look unattractive to him”; Rebbe Akiva in Shabbos 64b

[27] We find no prohibition in a wife looking over-attractive for her husband when she is pure.

[28] Rebbe in Toras Menachem 1982 4:2190 [printed in Shulchan Menachem 6:66] regarding Kimchis.

The reason: As if one is not careful at home when alone it can become second nature which might lead her to not being careful when someone enters the house. [Rebbe ibid]

[29] See Chut Hashani Shabbos 3:275

[30] See Yuma 47a regarding Kimchis, that she merited to have seven sons who were fit to be high priests due to that, “the locks of her hair never saw the walls of her home,” and the same is understood regarding other matters of Tznius.

[31] In these Halachos of Tznius in the privacy of one’s home, we follow the normal dress code of orthodox Jews of one’s affiliated community, and of that required according to Halacha, and not the way of dress of Goyim or secular Jews. [See Igros Moshe Yoreh Deah 3:47 and 68; Machatzis Hashekel 4:23, brought in M”B 4:53; Kaf Hachaim 4:99]

[32] See Halichos Shlomo 2:12 in name of Rav SZ”A; Minchas Yitzchak 6:10

The reason: As many orthodox women don’t cover their legs, or don’t cover properly [wearing see through stockings], it is debated amongst the Poskim, what must truly be covered. Now, although we are stringent in this matter regarding walking outside, nonetheless, in the privacy of one’s home it should be permitted.

[33] As un-tTnius dress that does not reveal any skin contains no prohibition when done in the privacy of one’s home for one’s husband.

[34] See Topics in Practical Halacha Volume 1 section of Even Ha’ezer for the full details of this matter!

[35] Rebbe in Toras Menachem 1982 4:2190 [printed in Shulchan Menachem 6:66] regarding Kimchis

The reason: As if one is not careful at home when alone it can become second nature and lead her to not being careful when someone enters the house. [Rebbe ibid]

[36] See Shabbos 62b against attracting undo attention of men with her perfume, although see also 64b that she should not be unattractive in her husband’s eyes even when a Niddah; Reishis Chochma Derech Eretz Sha’ar 4 and Az Nidbaru 8:65 against wearing strong perfume; Shevet Halevi 6:33; Shemesh Umagen [Mashash] E.H. 2:16

[37] See Shevet Halevi ibid, “It is not necessarily [only] Peritzus, but causes jealousy of her friends, and of the gentiles, and certainly a transgression is done, and many evil things occur as a result of this”; See Sh’lah 200a, M”B 560:8, Kaf Hachaim 560:20 that wearing all of their jewelry causes jealousy amongst the gentiles.

[38] See Shevet Halevi ibid, “The main dressing up of a wife is to be for her husband,” however, he then explains in defense of the custom of many women to only get dressed up when they go out that, “Many are accustomed that in the house they do not care to get dressed up, and also the husband does not mind.” Nonetheless, even from this statement it is understood that if the husband does mind, and which husband does not mind this, then she is to do as above.

[39] Perfume: See Shabbos 62a, “A woman may walk out with a Koveles” and Rashi explains this to mean perfume, although the Gemara then concludes that to do so in a way that attracts the attention of Bochurim is forbidden;

Jewelry: Implication of Miseches Shabbos and Shulchan Aruch 303 in discussion of a woman leaving her home with jewelry on Shabbos that during weekdays it is permitted [Az Nidbaru 14:47]; See Michaber 560:2 and Bava Basra 60b, “The Sages enacted that in commemoration for the destruction, upon a woman dressing herself with jewelry, she is not to wear all the types of jewelry that she usually wears and is rather to leave one out.” From which it is understood that some dressing up attractively is allowed, but not all. See Sh’lah 200a, M”B 560:8, Kaf Hachaim 560:20 that wearing all of their jewelry, aside for transgressing this law, also cause jealousy amongst the gentiles.

General dress: See Ta’anis 23b that Aba Chilkiya’s wife came out to greet him in the city when she was all dressed up attractively, and he explained that his wife did this in order so that he only be attracted to her and not another woman; See Shevet Halevi ibid, “It depends on her intent when she walks outside dressed up, and the way she is dressed up… if she overdoes it, and attracts too much attention, then this is a replica of the sinful activity of B’nos Yerushalayim… Many are accustomed to get dressed up only when they go out, so that they are not belittled in the eyes of the public, and this is the way of the world and we cannot protest it, unless it is overdone to the point that it draws too much attention.” Shemesh Umagen [Mashash] E.H. 2:16, “It is a Mitzvah and obligation for women to get dressed up for their husbands, and when they go outside, in a permitted manner, and not look unattractive… and many husbands are more particular in this when their wives go out then inside their own house… if she looks unattractive when she goes out, the husband will end up looking at other women in the street”; See also Rav Tzinner in Koveits Or Yisrael 36; Osri Lagefen 9:175

[40] Shabbos 62b; Reishis Chochma Derech Eretz Sha’ar 4; Az Nidbaru 8:65

[41] Sha’ar Hamitzvos Parshas Eikev, brought in Kaf Hachaim 2:22, that although the Arizal did not wear expensive or overly extravagant clothing, nevertheless, regarding his wife he was very careful to purchase for her even very extravagant clothing. He would fulfill her wishes even if he could not afford it.

[42] See Brachos 43b and Rambam Dei’os 5:9

[43] See sources ibid which only negate walking outside with cologne; Beir Sarim 6:59 [permits men’s cologne]

[44] See Beir Sarim ibid; Beir Moshe 4:119 [negates it due to Beged Isha]

[45] See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 5:10 and chapters 20-21 [p. 283-302]

[46] So rule regarding Chashash Veses on day of travel, and seemingly even more so it would apply on a regular day: Admur 184:35; Shach 184:27; Ezer Mikodesh E.H. 25:6; Chochmas Adam 108:7; Igros Moshe E.H. 4:66; Piskeiy Teshuvos 240:6 in his final ruling; See Nitei Gavriel 102:2; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 20:2; So rule all Poskim in coming footnotes who only prohibit this if it leads to an erection or Zera Levatala.

Other opinions: See Maharal in Gur Aryeh Bereishis 26:8 that Yitchak would not have been seen by Avimelech hugging and kissing Rivka as Chazal say, “Al Tarbeh Sicha Im Ha’isha,” and certainly this applies to hugging and kissing.

[47] We recommend reading “The Five love languages” by Garry Chapman for a full overview on this subject. See Igros Moshe E.H. 1:102 that one may study secular [non-pornographic] books relating to intimacy for the sake of pleasuring his wife, and certainly this is no exception. While secular books often contain aspects contrary to Torah philosophy, one can learn to reap the grains and throw out the chaff.

[48] Setimas Kol Haposkim ibid regarding Chasash Veses on day of travel which never makes mention of such a common clause, thus proving that they do not hold that it is an issue; Implication of some Poskim in next footnote who instruct only the G-d fearing to be stringent; Possible implication of Rama E.H. 25:2 who permits intimacy “Shelo Kedarka and Derech Eivarim”; Chazon Ishin Megilos Setarim p. 3 Igeres 4; Igros Moshe E.H. 4:66; Mesoras Moshe p. 407; Rav Elyashiv, brought in Aliba Dehilchasa 40 p. 124; Olas Yitzchak 2 242:2

The reason: As the prohibition of an erection only applies if a) one is unable to have intercourse with his wife, as it can then lead to Zera Levatala, and b) if one is doing so to simply arouse his lusts for no Mitzvah related purpose. Hence, when one has Pas Besilo, and is doing it to make his wife feel loved, then it is permitted.

[49] Makor Chaim of Chavos Yair Kitzur Halachos 240:4, “Whoever fears G-d will avoid hugging and kissing and other activities that can cause an erection not at the time of intercourse”; Ramak in Tomar Devorah 8; Beis Avraham [of Chayeh Adam] 48 [prohibition]; Taharas Yisarel 1 Beir Yitzchak 184:21 [prohibition]; Misgeres Hashulchan Chosen Yeshuos 151; Yeshuos Chochmah 151:1; Mishneh Halachos 9:178 [complete prohibition]; Shefa Taharah 184:27; Beir Moshe 4:62-3; Piskeiy Teshuvos 240 footnote 160 Sheyikadesh Atzmo 20:4 that so rule majority of Poskim and Mekubalim; Asher Chanan 6-7:73

[50] The reason: As it is forbidden for a person to bring himself to an erection [as stated in the end of this paragraph] unless it is for the sake of actual intercourse. [Poskim ibid] See Yesod Veshoresh ha’avoda Sha’ar Hamayim 3 that every erection leads to Zera. However, see Bach E.H. 23:2 that it is only a suspicion.

[51] Sheyikadesh Atzmo ibid and footnote 4 at great length and that so applies even on the night of Mikveh, if it is several hours before they plan to have actual intercourse. However, see Rokei’ach Hilchos Teshuvah 4 that he should greet his wife after Mikveh with hugs and kisses.

[52] Rav Elyashiv ibid

[53] Salmas Yosef of Rogotchaver 28-29; M”B 240:38; Igros Moshe E.H. 1:68; E.H. 4:66; Az Nidbaru 1:61; See P”M 3 M”Z 13 that Zera Levatala is Biblical and S’feiko Lechumra; However see Mahariy Asad Y.D. 1:238 that if it is not inevitable, and one does not have intent to do so, then it is permitted [However, most Poskim rule that even a Pesik Reishei D’eino Niocha Lei is forbidden by Biblical prohibitions]

[54] See next Halacha!

[55] Perisha 240:4; Elya Raba 240:6; Tosafus Niddah 13b; Rashba; Ramban; Riy; Lechem Chamudos on Rosh Niddah 2:8 in opinion of Rambam and other Rishonim; Maggid Mishneh on Rambam Issureiy Biyah 21:18 in name of Ramban; Kaf Hachaim 240:24; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 57 footnote 3

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that even one who brings himself to have an erection is in automatic Niduiy. [Maggid Mishneh on Rambam Issureiy Biyah 21:18 that so is implied from Rambam; Shulchan Hatahor 1 241:3]

[56] See previous footnote

[57] Michaber 240:1; Menoras Hama’or Abuhav Haner Hashelishi 6:5; See Niddah 13b; Kallah Rabasi 2:8; Asher Chanan 6-7:73

[58] Implication of all Poskim ibid in stringent opinion; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 20:5

[59] See Igros Moshe E.H. 4:66; Misgeres Hashulchan in Chosen Yeshuos 151; Beis Avraham 48; Tanya Chapter 11, “If he thinks about the intimacy of a male and female of the world, he transgresses…”

[60] Implication of Michaber Y.D. 334:43 as the 21^st matter which leads to Niduiy and that if one transgresses it, “He is put into Niduiy,” which implies that until he is actually excommunicated, he is not in Niduiy; Implication of Michaber E.H. 23:2 that only one who does Zera Levatala is in automatic Niduiy [and thus the Michaber omits writing in 23:3 that one who causes himself to have erection is in Niduiy, as he is only fit to be put in Niduiy, unlike Zera Levatala]; Opinion in Beis Yosef E.H. 23; Bach E.H. 23 in opinion of Tur; Chelkas Mechokeik 23:3; Opinions in Beis Shmuel 23:3; Perisha 240:4; Elya Raba 240:6; Tosafos Niddah 13b; Rashba; Ramban; Riy; Lechem Chamudos on Rosh Niddah 2:8 in opinion of Rambam and other Rishonim; Maggid Mishneh on Rambam Issureiy Biyah 21:18 in name of Ramban, Rabbeinu Yaakov, and Rashba; Kaf Hachaim 240:24; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 57 footnote 3

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that even one who brings himself to have an erection is in automatic Niduiy. [Maggid Mishneh on Rambam Issureiy Biyah 21:18 that so is implied from Rambam, and so brings Beis Yosef ibid; Beis Shmuel 23:3 in implication of Michaber E.H. 23:2 regarding Zera Levatala, and the same would apply to an erection; Pirush Beir Hagoleh on Michaber ibid; Shulchan Hatahor 1 241:3; Implication of Setimas Kol Haposkim ibid]

[61] Michaber 240:1; Menoras Hama’or Abuhav Haner Hashelishi 6:5; See Niddah 13b; Kallah Rabasi 2:8; See Sheyikadesh Atzmo [Nachmonson-2015] p.  282

[62] Igros Moshe Even Ha’ezer 1:69; Shevet Halevi 5:197; See Ramban Niddah ibid, “As it brings to Hirhur.”

The source and reason: As the verse states, “Lo Sasuru Acharei Levavchem V’achrei Eiyneichem,” from which we learn that it is forbidden to entertain thoughts of promiscuity, and there is no differentiation between a man and a woman in this command. [Shevet Halevi ibid; Igros Moshe Even Ha’ezer 1:69; See Sefer Chassidim 614, “A woman should not hear the voice of a man, as whatever a man is commanded in so too is a woman”]

[63] There is no unique Halacha that limits the showing of affection in front of children, or that excludes children from the above law that prohibits affectionate touch in front of others. Thus, seemingly, children are included in the above prohibition of showing affection in front of “others.” Now, there are two reasons behind the prohibition against showing affection before others: 1) Tznius and 2) Hirhur. [See Taz ibid] Thus, it would be forbidden for the couple to engage in immodest affectionate touch in front of children who can speak [see below], while acts of touch that are not immodest necessarily would be permitted in front of children, until the child has reached an age to comprehend the concept of marital relations which thus may lead him to Hirhur. Vetzaruch Iyun from the Halacha that parents may be naked and sleep naked with their kids until the age of embarrassment, which is approximately 11-12 years of age. [Admur 73:3; Michaber E.H. 21:7] One must, however, conclude that there is a difference between being undressed in front of others and showing affection in front of others, as is seen from the fact that men may bathe together, and sleep under blankets, even though showing affection in front of them is forbidden due to Tznius; See Asher Chanan 6-7:74; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 20:3

The age from which the prohibition begins: It is forbidden to perform marital relations before any human being who has reached the age that they can speak. [Michaber 240:6] Seemingly, this same age would apply regarding showing affectionate touch in front of a child.

[64] Rama Even Ha’ezer 21:5; Nemukei Yosef Bava Basra 186b, based on story of Rav Benah and Eliezer, brought in Baba Basra 58a.

The reason: As it is not modest for a couple to be engaged in affection in public. In addition, doing so will cause others to have erotic thoughts of them. [Taz 21:1]

[65] See Shevet Hamussar 16, “One is not to kiss his wife, and certainly is not to do other sexually related activity, in front of their children, even if they are small babies in a crib, as this matter gets engrained in their eyes and mind until the day of their death.”; Sheyikadesh Atzmo ibid

[66] See Eis Dudim p. 22; Vedarashta Vechakarta 5 E.H. 2:3; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 43:3 [p. 426]

[67] See here: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3564677/

[68] Setimas Kol Haposkim, as they never mention such a restriction according to Halacha when engaged in foreplay, and so is implication of all Poskim regarding the permission to hug and kiss and engage in other sexual activities prior to intercourse, even if it leads to an erection, and no mention is ever made that it comes with a caveat that it is only permitted to be done if the above fluid does not secrete.

[69] See Peri Eitz Chaim Sha’ar Kerias Shema She’al Hamita 16:11, “My master taught me that those drops which secrete before intercourse are included in Zera Levatala, and require a great Tikkun”; Likkutei Torah Parshas Noach; Hagahos Rav Shmuel Vital in Sha’ar Hakavnos Derushei Halayla 7; Or Hachaim Parshas Vayeitzei 29:23

[70] See Shemen Sason on Sha’ar Hakavanos Derushei Halayla 7:7; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 43:6

[71] Igros Moshe E.H. 1:102

[72] Admur 307:30; Igros Moshe Even Ha’ezer 1:69; Shevet Halevi 5:197; See Ramban Niddah ibid, “As it brings to Hirhur”; Sefer Hayashar of Rabbeinu Tam Inyanei Teshuvah, “One is to diminish the Ta’avah by… not reading books of romance”; Sheyikadehs Atzmo 17:4

[73] Igros Moshe Even Ha’ezer ibid; Shevet Halevi ibid

[74] The source and reason: As the verse states, “Lo Sasuru Acharei Levavchem V’achrei Eiyneichem,” from which we learn that it is forbidden to entertain thoughts of promiscuity, and there is no differentiation between a man and a woman in this command. [Shevet Halevi ibid; Igros Moshe Even Ha’ezer 1:69; See Sefer Chassidim 614, “A woman should not hear the voice of a man, as whatever a man is commanded in, so too is a woman”]

[75] It is Biblically prohibited to look at an Ervah, due to the verse, “Lo Sasuru Acharei Levavchem V’acharei Eiyneichem.” [Riy, brought in Beis Shmuel 21:2; Beis Yosef ibid in name of Rabbeinu Yona and Orchos Chaim; M”B 75:7] See Beis Shmuel 21:2 that it is a Biblical prohibition to entertain forbidden thoughts of any woman, even a single woman.; Beis Yosef ibid in name of Rabbeinu Yona and Orchos Chaim, “It is more severe to have forbidden thoughts of a Penuya than to even touch her, as through thinking one transgresses a Biblical negative command, as the verse states, “V’nishmartem Mikol Davar Ra.”

[76] Michaber E.H. 23:3; Rambam Issurei Biyah 212:21; Avoda Zara 20b

[77] Michaber Y.D. 182:1

[78] Michaber ibid; Tur 182:1; Rav in Nazir 58b

[79] Shach 182:3; Taz 182:2; Beir Hagoleh 182; Misgeres Hashulchan 171:1; See Tzemach Tzedek Y.D. 93

[80] Shach 182:3; Taz 181:4 and 182:1; Beis Yosef 181 in name of Rabbeinu Yona in Igeres Hateshuvah 2:36

The reason: As this makes the man appear like a woman, even if it involves only the arms. [Taz 181:4; Beis Yosef ibid in name of Rabbeinu Yona]

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that it is permitted for a man to shave the limbs of his body even using a razor. [Tur, brought in Taz 182:1 and Hagahos Hataz]

[81] Rama ibid regarding pubic hair; Ran Avoda Zara; See however Rama ibid: Nevertheless, the scrupulous Jews [i.e. Chaveirim] avoid shaving the pubic hair even in such communities, and perhaps the same would apply to these hairs as well.

[82] Michaber Y.D. 182:1; See Tzemach Tzedek Y.D. 93

[83] The reason: This is forbidden due to the prohibition against Lo Yilbash, that a man may not dress like a woman. The Sages expounded that this verse includes not only a prohibition against wearing actual clothing of a woman, but also towards doing any action done to the body by women for beauty purposes.

[84] Michaber ibid; Bahag; Tosafos Nazir 59b; Rosh; Rif

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that it is permitted to use a scissor to shave the armpits and pubic hair to an even razor-like shave. [Rabbeinu Tam, brought in Tzemach Tzedek ibid]

[85] Taz 182:6

The reason: Removing the hair of the body does not contain a Biblical transgression of Lo Silbash being that the Biblical transgression only applies to actions that visibly make the person appear like the opposite gender, and thus, since removal of hair in private areas is not visible to others, it does not fall under the Biblical prohibition. [Taz ibid]

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that it is a Biblical prohibition to shave the armpits and pubic hair using a razor. [Rav in Nazir 58b as explained in Tzemach Tzedek ibid; Semak 33; Conclusion of Tzemach Tzedek 93:4]

[86] Michaber ibid; Tur; Rambam

[87] Michaber ibid

The reason: As the entire reason for the prohibition is so that one does not make his body appear similar to that of a woman. [Michaber ibid]

[88] Rama ibid; Ran Avoda Zara

[89] Rama ibid; Ran ibid; Nimukei Yosef

[90] Torah L’shma 215 based on Arizal in Sha’ar Hamitzvos Parshas Kedoshim

The reason: Just as the upper worlds contain a higher beard with the 13 Tikkunei Dikna, the same applies below by the lower beard. [Arizal ibid]

[91] Taz 182:5

[92] Michaber 182:2

[93] Shach 182:4; Perisha 182; Tzemach Tzedek Y.D. 93-1

[94] Tur in name of Ge’onim; Tosafos and Rosh Yevamos

[95] The reason: As it is clearly evident that such a shave is not done for beauty purposes. Furthermore, even if the man intends to do so for beauty purposes, since in truth it does not beautify him but rather makes a mockery of him, therefore we ignore his intents. [Shach 182:5]

[96] Michaber 182:3; Nazir 59a

[97] Michaber 182:4; Rashba

[98] Shach 182:5

[99] The reason: As the prohibition of Lo Yilbash is specifically when done for the sake of beauty to mimic a woman. [See Shach 186:1, 5 and 7; Ketzos Hashulchan 143 footnote 3]

[100] Michaber 182:1 that only a razor-like shave is forbidden and not a trim; Beis Yosef 182; Kitzur SHU”A 171:2; Torah L’shma [of Ben Ish Chaiy] 215 [However, perhaps he refers only to an area in the world where men also shave.]

[101] Rashba 1:106; Tzemach Tzedek Y.D. 93, “If the Beis Yosef would have seen the ruling of the Rashba ibid he certainly would have ruled this way”; Semak 33 writes a Ba’al Nefesh is to be stringent.

[102] Perisha 182, brought in Rav Akiva Eiger 182

[103] Igros Kodesh 6:268, [printed in Shulchan Menachem 4:133]

[104] Torah L’shma [of Ben Ish Chaiy] 215

[105] See Michaber Y.D. 182:1 regarding armpit and pubic hair that doing so is Tikkun Nashim.

[106] Sanhedrin 21a

[107] 2^nd explanation in Ran ibid; Torah L’shma [of Ben Ish Chaiy] 215

[108] 1^st explanation in Ran ibid; Maharshal

[109] Rashi ibid

[110] See Torah L’shma ibid

[111] See Birkeiy Yosef 198:2; Ben Ish Chaiy Shemin 2:11; Darkei Teshuvah 198:91 that they do so based on the Zohar 3 248:2 that prior to being intimate she is to give a portion to the Sitra Achra and give her hair to it; Shiurei Shevet Halevi 198:4; See Igros Moshe 2:80; Shevet Halevi 4:9; Nonetheless, some Sephardi Rabbanim of today have ruled that a Sephardi women who does not want to be careful in this does not have to.

[112] See Michaber O.C. 240:7 [Chapter 3 Halacha 2]; 240:9 [Chapter 6 Halacha 2B]

[113] Sheyikadesh Atzmo 29 footnote 1

[114] See Halacha 2 that one may not speak of unrelated matters in order so that he does not come to think of other people, and hence certainly the pictures are to be removed.

[115] See Chosen Yeshuos 2:117; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 32:18

[116] Pashut; Darkei Taharah p. 209; See Koveitz Ohalei Sheim 5:91

[117] See Shevet Hamussar 24 that she is to think of a Tzaddik during intimacy so that her children become tzadikim and Chassidim; See Rebbe Yochanon in Brachos 20a that when the women who left the Mikveh would see him, they would have children like him, thus proving that also her thoughts have an effect; Ramban Igeres Hakodesh chapter 5; See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 14 footnote 7; One of the Rebbe’s Mashbakim is said to have relayed that in the Rebbe’s bedroom there was a picture of the Rebbe Rayatz.

[118] See Chosen Yeshuos ibid and Sheyikadesh Atzmo ibid which conclude that it should be removed or covered with a single cover.