Protected: Protected: Chapter 6: Intimacy Restrictions – During foreplay & intercourse-Part 3

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Hugging & Kissing lips, body, breasts:

It is permitted for a man to [hug and] kiss his wife on whatever limb he desires.[1] [Thus, he may kiss her on her face, neck, chest, breasts,[2] stomach, legs, feet, back, backside, etc. Likewise, it is permitted for a wife to kiss her husband on any limb that she desires. Furthermore, it is a Mitzvah for the husband to hug and kiss his wife prior to intercourse in order to appease her, as will be explained in Chapter 7 Halacha 5.] This, however, is with exception to the vaginal area, which is forbidden to be kissed, as will be explained.[3] [Regarding hugging and kissing, and other activities that lead to an erection and pre-ejaculatory fluids, see Halachas 16-17 for complete details.]

Kissing on lips: Kissing [and hugging] has Kabalistic meaning. Kissing on the lips is an expression of the most internal love from within the heart. A husband and wife are specifically to kiss on the lips during intimacy. See Chapter 7 Halacha 5 for the full details of this subject!

Kissing etc. the nipples of one’s nursing wife-Sucking milk:[4] As stated above, it is permitted for a man to kiss etc. his wife’s breasts and nipples. Nonetheless, if one’s wife is nursing, then it is forbidden to do so if milk will be released and enter his mouth as a result. Accordingly, one should avoid kissing and sucking the nipples once the wife feels milk entering into her ducts. In the event that milk does enter into one’s mouth, one is the spit it out and is prohibited from swallowing.  

11. Looking at the genitals:[5]

Looking at the vagina:[6] It is forbidden for the husband to stare at the vaginal area of his wife.[7] One who does so can cause his future children who are conceived from that intimacy to be born blind r”l.[8] [This applies at all times, whether during times that they are not scheduled to have intercourse, or during the foreplay and intimacy that directly precedes intercourse.[9] Now, although we find Poskim[10] who are lenient in this matter, practically, the Achronim all conclude like the opinions which hold that it is forbidden to be done, and hence, one may not be lenient in this.[11] This is aside from the fact that even in their opinion, the above said danger may apply.[12] Those Chasan and Kallah teachers who falsely teach their students that it is permitted, are causing a stumbling block before them, Ve’asidin Litein Es Hadin! Thus, Frum couples, and certainly refined Chassidic couples, should never entertain starting to do so under the false premise that we rule that one may be lenient. Nonetheless, if a couple has already begun doing so and finds it difficult to stop, their challenge is certainly understood by Hashem, and they should try to slowly wean off the behavior, and Daven to Hashem to help them in their challenge.]

Looking at male genitals [i.e. penis]:[13] From the letter of the law, it is permitted for the wife to stare at her husband’s genitals [i.e. penis and testes], and the restriction against the husband staring at his wife’s genitals does not apply the other way around, to also prohibit the wife from staring at her husband’s genitals.[14] [However, from some Poskim[15] it can be understood that it is forbidden for her to stare at his genitals just as it is forbidden for the husband to look at her genitals. Practically, at the very least, there is an act of piety involved for her to avoid doing so, although from the letter of the law, it is very difficult to accept the position that it is forbidden to do so.]

Q&A Is the prohibition against even seeing it in peripheral vision, or as a mere glance, or only if one actually stares at it? The above prohibition is only against staring at the vaginal area, which means that he focuses his eyes on it and studies it. However, to see it in a mere glance, or in one’s peripheral vision, is permitted.[16] Nonetheless, one is to try to be stringent not to look at it even with a mere glance.[17] [The same applies according to those Poskim who rule that it is also forbidden for the wife to look at her husband’s genitals, that this applies only if she stares at it and not if she simply glances or sees it in her peripheral vision.]       What area of the vagina is forbidden to be looked at?[18] The prohibition applies to the vulva, which includes the lip or labia area. Likewise, it is forbidden to look at the clitoris. However, one may look at the surrounding pubic area, if he is able to do so without looking at the other prohibited areas, or it is seen as a mere glance.   May one look at his wife’s vaginal area if it is covered with hair? He may do so if the hair blocks the vaginal area and lips from being seen. Nonetheless, some suggest to avoid doing so, as it may repulse the husband.[19]   May one look or examine his wife’s vaginal area for medical purposes?[20] Yes. This is no different than a doctor. Thus, he may help her smear a cream onto the area.   May the husband help his wife shave her pubic hair? Due to reasons of Kedusha and Tznius, it should only be done if the wife is truly unable to shave herself, and the shaving is a necessity. When done, the husband must beware not to stare at his wife’s vaginal area.

Looking at the anus hole: It is unclear if the above prohibition against looking at her vaginal area, “Oso Makom,” also applies against the anus hole. However, seemingly the reasons for prohibiting the looking at the vaginal area should likewise apply to the anus hole. Vetzaruch Iyun, as it is not mentioned in Poskim.    May a man look at his own genitals? Some Poskim[21] write that one may not look at one’s Ervah. Practically, one may certainly do so when necessary to facilitate intimacy, and the above statement is mere Midas Chassidus.

12. Kissing the genitals:[22]
13. Husband kissing [etc.] the vagina [i.e. cunnilingus, oral intercourse]:[23]

It is forbidden for the husband to kiss [etc.] the vaginal area.[24] One who does so can cause his future children who are conceived from that intimacy to be born mute r”l.[25] [This prohibition applies even if he closes his eyes when he does so. This prohibition applies even if the wife desires it and is asking for it and he wants to do so under the claim that it is needed for “Shalom Bayis.” Now, although we find Poskim[26] who are lenient in this matter, practically, the Achronim all conclude like the opinions who hold that it is forbidden to be done, and hence one may not be lenient in this.[27] This is aside from the fact that even in their opinion, the above said danger may apply.[28] Furthermore, even according to their opinion, whoever sanctifies himself with the permitted is considered holy.[29] Thus, those Chasan and Kallah teachers who falsely teach their students that it is practically permitted are causing a stumbling block before them, Ve’asidin Litein Es Hadin! Frum couples, and certainly refined Chassidic couples, should never entertain starting to do so under the false premise that we rule that one may be lenient. Nonetheless, if a couple has already begun doing so and finds it difficult to stop, their challenge is certainly understood by Hashem, and they should try to slowly wean off the behavior, and Daven to Hashem to help them in their challenge.]

Q&A What area of the vagina is forbidden to be kissed etc.?[30] The prohibition applies to the vulva, which includes the lip or labia area, and the prohibition applies to kissing it externally or internally. Likewise, it is forbidden to kiss etc. the clitoris. However, one may kiss etc. the surrounding pubic area [if it is clean of sweat and he does not stare at her vagina, such as he closes his eyes].   May one kiss the vaginal area through a cloth, condom, or other obstructing item?[31] This material has been censored and is available for relevant readers on our website in the following link under the password 102030. The material may not be downloaded or shared with anyone else. https://back.shulchanaruchharav.com/halacha/kedushas-habayis-censored-material/   Practical Q&A May one be lenient to give his wife cunnilingus under the pretext of Shalom Bayis, such as if his wife cannot get sexually aroused otherwise, or enjoys the feeling and is very upset that the husband has decided to abstain? [see also next Q&A] This material has been censored and is available for relevant readers on our website in the above link under the password 102030. The material may not be downloaded or shared with anyone else.   If one has become accustomed to giving his wife cunnilingus either due to not being Frum at the time, or not knowing of its severity, or by simply slipping into the Ta’avah, is there any room for leniency to allow them to continue? This material has been censored and is available for relevant readers on our website in the above link under the password 102030. The material may not be downloaded or shared with anyone else.

1. Wife kissing [etc.] genitals [i.e. fellatio, oral intercourse]:[32]

From the letter of the law, it is permitted for a wife to kiss her husband’s genitals [i.e. penis and testes] and the restriction against the husband kissing etc. his wife’s genitals does not apply the other way around to also prohibit the wife from kissing etc. her husband’s genitals.[33] [However, from some Poskim[34] it can be understood that it is forbidden for her to kiss etc. his genitals, just as it is forbidden for the husband to do so. Practically, at the very least, there is an act of piety involved for her to avoid doing so, and certainly it should be avoided by all refined Chassidic couples, although from the letter of the law, it is very difficult to accept the position that it is forbidden to do so. Furthermore, according to all, this allowance only applies if it will not lead to ejaculation, as explained in Halacha 16A.[35] Regarding pre-ejaculatory fluids, see Halacha 17!]

To kiss etc. the area of the penis from where the urine and semen exit:[36] Kissing, and certainly licking etc., the tip of the penis from where urine and semen exit is possibly prohibited due to Ba’al Tishkatzu. This is certainly the case if pre-ejaculatory fluid [i.e. precum] begins flowing from the penis, which occurs almost instantaneously when it is aroused in this manner. This may apply even if she claims that she is not repulsed by it.[37]

Fellatio [i.e. oral intercourse]: Although the act of fellatio done by the wife to the husband can be argued to be included in the allowance brought in Halacha 16B that a man may have intercourse even through the limbs. Nonetheless, as stated there, it is forbidden for him to ejaculate in this method, and hence it is forbidden for a wife to do so if it can lead to ejaculation.[38] Furthermore, as stated above regarding kissing etc., that doing so may transgress the prohibition of Ba’al Tishaktzu, certainly this applies to actual sucking, and certainly if ejaculation or even pre-ejaculate takes place. According to all, even if fellatio were to be permitted, we would still maintain that it should not be done, as whoever sanctifies himself with the permitted is considered holy.[39] Thus, Frum couples, and certainly refined Chassidic couples, should never entertain starting to do so, even if it will not lead to ejaculation. Nonetheless, if a couple has already begun doing so and finds it difficult to stop, their challenge is certainly understood by Hashem, and they should try to slowly wean off the behavior, and Daven to Hashem to help them in their challenge.  

Against her will:[40] It is always forbidden to perform intercourse against the will of the wife, and hence, any leniency associated with placing her lips on the man’s genitals only applies if the wife willingly consents to it. However, even when she consents, the above prohibition of Ba’al Tishaktzu may still apply, as explained above.

May the wife kiss etc. the male genital [i.e. penis] if he is wearing a condom?[41] This material has been censored and is available for relevant readers on our website in the above link under the password 102030. The material may not be downloaded or shared with anyone else. https://back.shulchanaruchharav.com/halacha/kedushas-habayis-censored-material/

1. Kissing etc. the buttocks area:[42]

It is permitted for the husband or wife to kiss etc. the buttocks area, that is outside the perimeter of the anus. However, near the anus area is seemingly forbidden to be kissed by either spouse due to the Ba’al Tishaktzu prohibition, even if it has been thoroughly cleaned.

13. Touching the genitals & climax:[43]
14. Husband touching the vagina & bringing the wife to climax/orgasm:[44]

From the letter of the law, it is permitted for the husband to touch the vaginal area of his wife without restriction, whether before or during intercourse. Furthermore, at times it may even be a Mitzvah to do so for the sake of arousing and pleasuring his wife, or to arouse his desire for her so he can properly fulfill the Mitzvah.[45] [This applies to any area of the vagina, including the clitoris, vaginal lips, and vaginal hole. However, some Poskim[46] argue and rule that it is forbidden for the husband to touch his wife by her vagina and to enter his fingers into it.[47] Practically, the main ruling follows the former lenient opinion,[48] although a couple who is stringent in this due to Tzenius and Kedusha are doing a proper thing.[49] However, this only applies under the consent of both husband and wife. If, however, the wife needs this to be done in order to feel sexually stimulated and enjoy the intimacy, then the couple should not be stringent against doing so, and on the contrary, the husband fulfills the Mitzvah of Onah by doing so.[50] Likewise, if the husband needs to do so in order to properly arouse himself to fulfill his Mitzvah of Onah, then there is no need to be stringent against doing so.[51] Chasan and Kallah teachers should inform their students accordingly.[52] Regarding the general laws of doing sexual activity which leads to an erection and/or pre-ejaculatory fluids, see Halachas 16-17.]

Q&A May the husband bring his wife to a climax [i.e. orgasm] using his fingers?[53] Although women are not commanded against performing Zera Levatala with their own seed,[54] nevertheless, according to Kabbalah, the prohibition of “Zera Levatala” applies even to women, and those women who do so increase evil spirits and Kelipos.[55] However, seemingly, this only applies when the wife is alone and doing so to herself. However, to have her husband do so for her during intimacy, or for her to do so to herself during intimacy with her husband, is seemingly valid even according to Kabbalah, even if it takes place prior to, or post, the penetration.[56] Nonetheless, from some sources it is evident that even prior to or post intercourse, it should not be done according to Kabbalah, and should only take place during the penetrative intercourse itself.[57] Whatever the case, certainly it is permitted according to Halacha.[58]   May the husband stimulate his wife using an instrument [i.e. vibrator]? Yes, so long as he avoids staring at her vaginal area. This is permitted even according to the stringent opinions above, as one is not actually entering his fingers into her. This is a viable option for those couples who desire to be stringent and not enter their fingers into the vagina, as stated above. Regarding using the vibrator to bring his wife to orgasm, see the previous Q&A.

1. Wife touching the penis:[59]

It is permitted for the wife to touch her husband’s genitals [i.e. penis and testes] to arouse and excite him, and the like. She may also rub him with her hands for this purpose. Certainly, she may take hold of it in order to direct it into her vaginal hole. However, she must beware that it does not lead to Zera Levatala r”l. [See Halacha 16D. See Halacha 20 regarding if it leads to the release of pre-ejaculatory fluids. Regarding the above, certainly there is Midas Chassidus for the wife to avoid touching the penis for pure lustful purposes, and so may be followed if it is agreed upon by both spouses.]

1. Husband touching the penis:[60]

Although in general it is forbidden for a man to touch his genitals due to it potentially leading to Zera Levatala,[61] nevertheless, it is permitted to do so for the sake of intimacy, such as so he be aroused for the intimacy.

14. The positions of intercourse:[62]
15. Standing versus sitting:[63]

One is not to have relations in a standing or sitting position [and it is rather to be done lying down[64]]. [However, in a time of need one may be lenient to do so, if there is no other practical position of intercourse.[65] See Q&A regarding doing it while standing and leaning over the bed.]

The dangers of doing it while standing:[66] Having intercourse while standing is dangerous, as it causes the muscles to spasm and contract.

The dangers of doing it while sitting:[67] Having intercourse while sitting is dangerous, as it causes him to have pain and mental instability.

1. Husband on top versus on bottom, or side to side:[68]

It is considered brazen [of the wife[69] and a form of Peritzus,[70] and is even dangerous[71]] to have relations with the husband on bottom and the wife on top.[72] It is considered stubborn to have relations with the man and woman side by side.[73] [Accordingly, one is not to have intercourse with the wife on top, or side by side.[74] This restriction applies at all times, whether the wife is currently able to become pregnant, or is already pregnant, nursing or past menopause.[75] However, it especially applies during times when she can become pregnant.[76] Thus, it especially applies on the night of Mikveh,[77] although practically we rule that it applies at any other later date as well, as explained below. These restrictions apply even if the wife desires the position, and receives pleasure from it, although in such a case it is less severe.[78] Accordingly, the only non-problematic position according to Halacha is for the husband to be on top of his wife. This is known as the missionary position, and is the ideal position that couples are to be in each time they have intercourse.[79] This position, when done properly, generally gives the wife greater pleasure then when she is on top.[80] She is to lie flat on the bed and spread her legs open towards her husband as much as [comfortably] possible, with her knees bent upwards.[81] Nonetheless, when there is difficulty performing this position, other positions may be done as explained in the Q&A.]

The dangers of intercourse with the wife on top: Having intercourse with the wife on top can cause the child to be born crippled withhave a limp [and live a life of pain and mental instability[82]].[83] It can also cause the child to be born with a very brazen personality, and be a Parutz [promiscuous and immodest person].[84] Some learn that according to Kabbalah, having the wife on top can cause the child to be successful regarding material matters but lazy and unsuccessful in spiritual matters.[85]

The dangers of intercourse side by side:[86] Having intercourse in a side by side position is considered an act of stubbornness for the woman, and causes the children to be stubborn and rebellious when they grow up.

Night of Mikveh versus other nights: Some Poskim[87] rule that the above restriction against performing other positions of intercourse only applies on the night of Mikveh, when the wife can become pregnant. However, past the night of Mikveh all positions are permitted according to the husband’s desire, so long as his wife consents. This especially applies if he feels he needs to do so in order to satiate his lust so he does not stray after other women.[88] Other Poskim,[89] however, negate this opinion, and so is the simple understanding of all the Poskim, that it applies in all cases. Nonetheless, in a time of need one may be lenient, as explained in the Q&A.

Time of need: See Q&A!          

1. Face to face versus animal style-facing her back:[90]

From the letter of the law, it is permitted to have vaginal intercourse with the wife’s back facing the man’s front [i.e. backside/animal-style].[91] Nonetheless, the Poskim[92] conclude that it is not to be done, as it is considered like the mating of animals,[93] and is dangerous, as it can cause the child to be born a cripple. [Furthermore, according to Chassidus[94] and Kabbalah,[95] and due to the holiness of marital intimacy, the relations must take place with the couple facing each other (face to face). When done in animal style, it diminishes the unity achieved, and turns the act of love and intimacy into an act of coarse pleasure and lust. In the words of the Zohar, “They are bonding as one above and below… face to face, and on this it states, one who has intercourse from the back denies the Tikkun.” Doing it face to face also increases the love and affection of the couple.[96] Practically, based on all the above, one is not to have intercourse front to back unless it is a time of need and there is no other option available, as explained in the Q&A.]

1. Against her will:[97]

It is always forbidden to perform intercourse, or a position of intercourse, against the will of the wife; and hence, any leniency associated with doing the other positions is only if the wife consents.

 

Summary: The ideal, and initially required and commended, position is for the husband to be on top of his wife, with them positioned face to face [i.e. missionary position]. Other positions, including the wife on top, side to side, and front to back, are all discouraged and are a physical and spiritual danger to the children born. Q&A May one have intercourse without ejaculation in the above negated positions?[98] The ideal position of the husband on top applies even if he does not plan to ejaculate at that time, and hence it does not help for them to simply switch to the correct position when he desires to ejaculate. Nonetheless, certainly ejaculating in the above negated positions is more severe than simply penetrating in those positions, and hence, in a justifiable time of need they may utilize other positions and then switch to the correct missionary position for the sake of ejaculation.[99]   May the husband stand on the floor and lean on the bed over his wife and have intercourse in that position, or must he be fully on the bed? Seemingly, he is to be completely on the bed, as any standing can cause muscle spasms, as stated above. However, if he is comfortable with the position, and he is mainly lying on the bed, then seemingly it is allowed. This especially applies if he is unable to be fully on top of his wife due to an injury, or his wife’s advanced stage of pregnancy.   If the wife has difficulty reaching climax [i.e. orgasm] in the initially required missionary position, may they do a different position for the sake of assisting her to achieve climax? While pleasuring the wife during intercourse is a necessary component of the intimacy, there is no Halacha that discusses reaching climax or that the husband has an obligation to help his wife reach a climax during the intimacy. Accordingly, it would be difficult according to Halacha to wave the initially required position simply for her to reach orgasm during the intercourse. It is possible to bring her to climax prior to or post intercourse with the use of one’s fingers. Now, although the above is a common complaint that couples have against the missionary position, it is usually due to this position not being done properly. It is possible for the wife to reach a climax in the missionary position if the husband elevates himself slightly while inside her, angling his penetration to rub on her clitoris. It is also possible for the husband to use his fingers to rub on her clitoris during the penetration to help her achieve orgasm. [While the purpose of our Sefer is not to serve as what is called sex-therapy or sex-education,[100] nonetheless, in this question we have swerved from this rule in order to help couples be satisfied with performing their intimacy in the above required position, and not need to ponder doing other negated positions, under the cloak of “Shalom Bayis,” in order for the wife to be happy.]   If the wife has pain in the initially required missionary position, may they have intercourse in a different position?[101] In the event that it is painful for the wife to have intercourse in the required missionary position when her husband is on top of her, then they are to try to see if there is any way of maneuvering in that position to prevent the pain from happening. If the pain exists in all cases when the husband is on top, then they may have intercourse in another position that is more comfortable for her, preferably side by side, and if necessary, with her on top.[102] It may also be done in a standing or sitting position if necessary.[103] However, it is never to be done in the animal position of him facing her back, unless there is absolutely no other option available.[104] All the above leniencies apply even on the night of Mikveh, and all the more so on other nights.[105] See, however, in the first Q&A that if possible it is best for them to switch to the correct position by the actual ejaculation.   If the wife is pregnant and it is uncomfortable to perform the required missionary position, may they do a different position? Yes. This follows the same ruling as the previous Q&A, in the order of precedence of positions!   If the husband has pain being on top, such as due to a leg injury or a medical condition effecting the legs, may they have intercourse in a different position? Yes. This follows the same ruling as the previous Q&A, in the order of precedence of positions!   If the husband can only get an erection when lying on his back, may they have intercourse with him on bottom and the wife on top? Yes.

15. The surface – On bed versus on the floor:[106]

The intercourse is to take place on a bed and not on the floor or ground. [This applies even if there is a carpet on the floor, or one spreads a sheet there.[107]] One who has intercourse on the floor causes his children to have deformed and outstretched necks.[108] [Some say that it is even damaging to the person himself.[109] This is hinted to in the known phrase of Chazal, “Tashmish Hamita,” which refers specifically to intercourse on a bed.[110]]

 

Q&A May one have intercourse on the floor on top of a mattress, or blankets and pillows?[111] In a time of need, it is permitted to have relations on a thick mattress that is on the floor. However, one should not have relations on sheets that are on the floor unless one places enough sheets and blankets that he does not feel the floor’s hardness. Some Poskim,[112] however, rule that it should always be specifically done on a bed and not on cushions that are on the floor.

[1] Rama E.H. 25:2; Tur E.H. 25:2; Rambam Issureiy Biyah 21:9; Kol Bo Hilchos Ishus 75; Ge’onim in Shita Mekubetzes ibid; Machzor Vitri 528; Eshkol Tzenius p. 34b; Agudah Nedarim 20b; Semag L.S. 126; Levush E.H. 25:2

[2] See Shabbos 140b and Rashi there that Rav Chisda directed his daughters to tease their husbands and give them their breasts to touch; Avoda Zarah 17a that Ula would kiss the breasts; Od Yosef Chaiy Shoftim 22

[3] Beis Shmuel 25:1; Tur; Ra’avad; Beir Heiytiv 25:1

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that it is permitted to kiss the vaginal area, or any other area of her body, without any restriction whatsoever. [Implication of Rama E.H. 25:2 “Any limb he desires,” as explained in Biur Hagr”a 25:15]

[4] See Michaber Y.D. 81:7 that it is forbidden for a person to nurse directly from a woman’s breast even if she squirts it into his mouth. Doing so is similar to nursing from a rodent. One who does so receives Rabbinical lashes [Makas Mardus] for going against a Rabbinical decree. [Michaber ibid] It is forbidden to consume it even if the milk has left her nipple and is resting on her breast. [Shach 81:18] The reason the Sages forbade it is because people might come to think that it’s permitted to nurse from non-kosher animals just like it’s permitted to nurse from humans which are not-kosher. [Taz 81:9] Furthermore, today people no longer drink woman’s milk and are actually repulsed by it. Accordingly, it is also forbidden to drink the milk due to Ba’al Tishaktzu. [Kaf Hachaim 87:29]; See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 42:5

[5] See Taharas Yisrael 240:32; Sheyikadesh Atzmo [Nachmonson-2015] p.  448; 453

[6] Michaber 240:4; Tur O.C. 240:2 and E.H. 25:8; Ra’avad in Ba’alei Hanefesh Sha’ar Hakedusha 6; Beis Yosef E.H. 25:2; Rebbe Yochanon ben Dehavaiy in Nedarim 20a, brought in Tur 240, “The Malachei Hashareis told me four things: The fourth being that children who are blind are born that way because the husband looked at her vaginal area.”; Ra’avad in Ba’alei Hanefesh Sha’ar Hakedusha that so applies even according to the Sages; Kallah Rabasi 1:13; Levush 240:4; Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 7 Chulya Beis 2; Chochmas Adam 128:7; Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 150:5; Aruch Hashulchan 240:10; Kaf Hachaim 240:40

Other opinions: The Sages state that the Halacha is unlike Rebbe Yochanon, and rather everything that one desires to do with his wife, he may. [Nedarim 20b] Some Poskim conclude like this opinion [Rama E.H. 25:2; Tur E.H. 25:2; Rambam Issureiy Biyah 21:9] and some Poskim understand this to mean that according to their opinion [i.e. Chachamim, Rambam etc.] it is permitted to look at the wife’s vaginal area. [Implication of Rama E.H. 25:2 “Any limb he desires,” as explained in Biur Hagr”a 25:15; Beis Yosef E.H. 25:8 and Bach E.H. 25:2 and Perisha E.H. 25:35 in explanation of Rambam Issureiy Biyah 21:9, that according to his ruling, like Chachamim, everything that Rebbe Yochanon stated is in truth permitted, which includes looking at her genitals, and so would apply likewise according to the Rama E.H. 25:2; See Lechem Yehuda Dei’os 5:4 which likewise explains Rambam this way; Sefer Ha’eshkol Hilchos Tzenius 1:61; Aruch Hashulchan E.H. 25:10-11] According to this understanding, it is implied that there is not even any danger involved in doing so, and that the Sages argue on the very concept of the angels who state that it causes blindness. [Implication of Ameimar in Nedarim ibid] However, from other sources it is understood that the Sages only argue that it is technically permitted from the letter of the law, although they agree with the angels that it is indeed dangerous for the children. [See Kallah Rabasi 1:14] Furthermore, other Poskim conclude that even in the opinion of Chachamim, it is forbidden to look at the vagina, and they are only arguing on the allowance of intercourse from the backside. [Tur O.C. 240:4 and E.H. 25:3, brought in Beis Yosef  E.H. 25:2; Ra’avad ibid; See Beis Shmuel and Chochmas Adam ibid who both explain the Rama to be excluding kissing the vagina, and so is implied from the Tur ibid in his understanding of the Rambam ibid; Pnei Moshe E.H. 25:1 that so is also implied from Hagahos Maimanis on Rambam ibid; Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 7 Chulya Beis 2] See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 44:12-13 footnote 18

[7] The reason: As 1) whoever looks at the vagina area does not have any shame, and 2) transgresses the command of “Hatzneia Leches.” 3) He also removes the trait of shame from his face, thus losing the protection that the feeling of shame has to prevent one from sinning, as the verse states, “And you shall have fear on your face so you do not sin,” and fear here refers to shame. 4) In addition, one incites the evil inclination onto himself. [Michaber ibid; Ra’avad in Ba’alei Hanefesh Sha’ar Hakedusha 6; Kitzur SHU”A 150:5]

[8] See Nedarim ibid; Kallah Rabasi 1:13; Biur Halacha 240:4 “Assur”

[9] Tur O.C. 240:4 and E.H. 25

[10] Rama E.H. 25:2 and Rambam Issureiy Biyah 21:9, as explains Beis Yosef E.H. 25:8 and Bach E.H. 25:2; See other opinions in previous footnote

[11] Practically, although the Rama ibid concludes like the Rambam, which would make it appear that this matter is a clear dispute between the Michaber and Rama, and hence there is room for Ashkenazim to be lenient like the Rama, nonetheless, since the Achronim ibid all conclude like the Michaber and Ra’avad, and it is possible to interpret even the Rama in this manner as does the Beis Shmuel 25:2 and as the Rama himself writes of the Tur in E.H. 25:2, therefore, certainly one is required to be stringent. This especially applies in light of the fact that the Rama in O.C ibid made no comment to argue on the Michaber ibid, which implies that regarding this law he does not argue and his ruling in E.H. ibid was merely a general statement. See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 44:12

[12] See Kallah Rabasi 1:14; See previous footnotes

[13] See Upikadeta Navecha p. 37 footnote 1; Sheyikadesh Atzmo [Nachmonson-2015] 44:7 footnote 12 [p.  449]

[14] Setimas Kol Haposkim, Talmud and Tur who write the prohibition in regard to the man looking at the woman [Oso Makom generally refers to a woman’s genitals and not a man’s, and the Tur and Ra’avad in Sha’ar Hakedusha, brought in Beis Yosef 240, explicitly write that it refers to the man looking at his wife], and never write that it also applies from the woman to the man; By something so common during intimacy, the fact that the Poskim did not delineate it explicitly, that the prohibition also applies from the woman to the man, implies that it does not; Adart Tiferes 3:40 in name of Rav Ben Tziyon Aba Shaul that the prohibition applies only to the man and that all the sources below used to prohibit it are not explicit and are a mere hint, which does not reach the threshold of determining Halacha; Sefer Kedushas Moshe p. 76; See also Rama E.H. 21:5 that even a gentile woman may enter a public bath of men and bathe the men, and if this is allowed by a gentile woman to see the men’s Ervahs, then certainly it is allowed by one’s own wife!

The reason: Vetzaruch Iyun as to the reason why it only applies from the man to the woman, and not the contrary. Perhaps, however, the reason is because men are more Bnei Hargasha, as opposed to women, and hence the lust involved in looking at that area is much more in a man. Furthermore, by a woman it is considered a hidden and private area, as opposed to a man’s which protrudes.

[15] See Ba’al Haturim Kedoshim on the verse, “‘Vehi Tireh Es Ervaso Venichrisu L’eineiy Bnei Amam/And she will see his Ervah and be cut off,’ This hints to the fact that one who stares at her vagina has children who are born blind,” which can imply that also her seeing his Ervah can cause the children to become blind [however, in truth this matter is not definitive, as he concludes with specifying the wording of him looking at her, as well as that the Ba’al Haturim is mere Derush, and is not for Paskening halachos]; Possible understanding of Rebbe Meir Aldabi in Shivilei Emuna 3:5; Possible understanding of Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 7:2; Pirush Ataras Adar on Ba’al Haturim ibid, “Certainly the prohibition is also on her to look at his Ervah, although perhaps based on the verse, we can deduce that the punishment only applies when they both look at each other’s Ervah” [although, he suggests that from the Ba’al Haturim ibid, to the contrary, we can imply that the prohibition only applies to him]; Az Nidbaru 13:61, “Also by women this prohibition applies”; Kuntrus Derech Hamelech p. 23 that all the reasons for prohibiting for a man apply likewise for a woman; See also Rashi Shabbos 86a; Upikadeta Navecha p. 37 footnote 1; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 44:7 concludes that so is the main opinion.

[16] See Ezer Mikodesh E.H. 25:2; The Halacha states that one may not Histakel Beoso Makom and the term Histakel means to stare. See the following Poskim that the term Histaklus in Halacha regarding Ervah means to stare and not a mere glance: Admur 75:1, “Some Poskim permit Davening opposite the uncovered area of a woman if he does not stare at her, even though he sees it at a glance, as the entire prohibition is due to it causing forbidden thoughts, and only staring can cause forbidden thoughts.”; Rabbeinu Yona Brachos 25; Rambam Shema 3:16; Beis Yosef 75 in name of Rabbeinu Yona; Makor Chesed on Sefer Chassidim 9:2 that “Histaklus” means to stare; Rosh brought in Sefer Chassidim Tinyana 99 that whenever it says Histaklus it means stare, and hence an innocent glance at a woman is permitted; Rashal Kesubos 2:11; Yosef Ometz 474; P”M 75 M”Z 1, “If he sees and gets pleasure, he transgresses, and if not, it is permitted”; M”B 75:7, “A mere unintentional glance alone without pleasure is permitted”; Emek Sheila 52:1; Salmas Chaim 438 [685]; Piskeiy Teshuvos 75:6-7; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel Yichud 55:3 footnote 6; Story in Avoda Zara 20a that Tana’im said, “Mah Rabu Ma’asecha Hashem” when they saw a beautiful woman;  M”A 225:20 [regarding face of Rasha]; Ashel Avraham Butchach 306:8 [regarding Ervah]; Ezer Mikodesh E.H. 25:2 [that the same applies in reference to vaginal area]; Mavor Yabok Sifsei Rinanos 9; [See however Smeh C.M. 154:14 who says Histaklus means a mere look and not stare, while Re’iyah means to stare.]

[17] Ezer Mikodesh ibid, “However by the vaginal area one needs to be very careful.”

[18] See Ezer Mikodesh E.H. 25:1 that it’s only by Oso Makom and not outside of it; The Poskim and Sefarim do not go into the exact definition of “Oso Makom,” and therefore we must retain the understanding that it refers to the entire lip area and fold, which becomes wet during intimacy. It would be difficult to argue that it only refers to the actual vaginal hole, and not the clitoris and other folds of skin. It would equally be difficult to argue that it includes the entire pubic area, and hence without any explicit inclusion or exception, we must conclude that the Halacha refers to the normally understood term called vagina, which includes all the above parts; See also Sheyikadesh Atzmo 44 footnote 7

[19] See Darkei Taharah p. 270

[20] Rav Moshe Feinstein in Dibros Eliyahu Niddah 16b; See the following Poskim regarding the allowance for a male doctor to treat a female patient: Shach 195:20 that so is the custom; Sidrei Taharah 195:24; Kreisiy Upleisi 195; Piskeiy Dinim 195:17; Darkei Teshuvah 157:8; Nishmas Avraham Y.D. 195:11; Shevet Halevi 3:186; 4:167; Shiureiy Shevet Halevi 195:274; Minchas Yitzchak 7:73; Igros Moshe E.H. 2:14; Taharah Kahalacha 7:1; Halichos Bas Yisrael 7:17; Ohel Yaakov p. 286

[21] Sefer Chareidim 45:4; Yifei Laleiv 3:20 in name of Minchas Tosef and Sefer Chareidim ibid; Gemara Sanhedrin 52a; Shabbos 118b regarding Rebbe Yehuda Hanassi; However, see Gemara Menachos 43b that David looked at his Mila, although the Yifei Laleiv explains this means “thought.”

[22] See Taharas Yisrael 240:33; Sheyikadesh Atzmo [Nachmonson-2015] p.  455-460

[23] Michaber O.C. 240:4 and Setimas Harama there; Tur O.C. 240:4 and E.H. 25:8 [even though in 25:2 he writes that one may kiss every limb – Darkei Moshe 25:1]; Ra’avad in Ba’alei Hanefesh Sha’ar Hakedusha 6; Darkei Moshe E.H. 25:1; Beis Shmuel E.H. 25:1; Beir Heiytiv 25:1; Perisha; Ra’avad on Rambam Issureiy Biyah 21:9; Rebbe Yochanon ben Dehavaiy in Nedarim 20a, brought in Tur 240, “The Malachei Hashareis told me four things: The second being that children who are mute are born that way because the husband kissed her on the vaginal area.”; Kallah Rabasi 1:13-14; Levush 240:4; Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 7 Chulya Beis 2; Chochmas Adam 128:3 and 7; Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 150:5; Aruch Hashulchan 240:10; Od Yosef Chaiy Shoftim 16; Igros Moshe Y.D. 2:75

Other opinions: The Sages state that the Halacha is unlike Rebbe Yochanon, and rather everything that one desires to do with his wife, he may. [Nedarim 20b] Some Poskim conclude like this opinion [Rama E.H. 25:2; Tur E.H. 25:2; Rambam Issureiy Biyah 21:9; Rambam Pirush Hamishnayos Sanhedrin 7:4; Yireim brought in Shita Mekubetzes Nedarim 20b that there is no lack of Kedusha involved in doing so; So also rule: Geonim in Shita Mekubetzes ibid; Machzor Vitri 528; Eshkol Tzenius p. 34b; Agudah Nedarim 20b; Semag L.S. 126; Kol Bo 75; Levush E.H. 25:2] and some Poskim understand this to mean that according to their opinion [i.e. Chachamim, Rambam etc.] it is permitted to even kiss and lick the vaginal area. [Implication of Rama E.H. 25:2, “Any limb he desires,” as explained in Biur Hagr”a 25:15, and so learns Atzei Arazim 25:1; Beis Yosef E.H. 25:8 and Bach E.H. 25:2 and Perisha E.H. 25:35 in explanation of Rambam Issureiy Biyah 21:9, that according to his ruling, like Chachamim, everything that Rebbe Yochanon stated is in truth permitted, which includes kissing and licking her genitals, and so would apply likewise to the Rama E.H. 25:2; See Lechem Yehuda Dei’os 5:4 who likewise explains Rambam this way; Sefer Ha’eshkol Hilchos Tzenius 1:61; Semak 285, “Dont look or stare or kiss her vagina…all this is Midas Chassidus and not according to the letter of the law”; Aruch Hashulchan E.H. 25:10-11; Toros Emes E.H. 25; Asher Chanan 6-7:68] According to this understanding, it is implied that there is no danger even involved in doing so, and that the Sages argue on the very concept of the angels which stated that it causes muteness. [Implication of Ameimar in Nedarim ibid] However, from other sources it is understood that the Sages only argue that it is technically permitted from the letter of the law, although they agree with the angels that it is indeed dangerous for the children. [See Kallah Rabasi 1:14; Semak ibid] Furthermore, other Poskim conclude that even in the opinion of Chachamim, it is forbidden to kiss the vagina, and they are only arguing on the allowance of intercourse from the backside. [Tur 240:4 and E.H. 25:8, brought in Beis Yosef E.H. 25:2; Darkei Moshe E.H. 25:1 that even according to Tur ibid one may not kiss Oso Makom; Ra’avad ibid; See Beis Shmuel and Chochmas Adam ibid who both explain the Rama to be excluding kissing the vagina, and so is implied from the Tur ibid in his understanding of the Rambam ibid; Pnei Moshe E.H. 25:1 that so is also implied from Hagahos Maimanis on Rambam ibid; Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 7 Chulya Beis 2] See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 44:12-13 footnote 18

[24] The reason: All the [four] prohibitions transgressed by looking at the area apply here as well, as if by simply looking at it one transgresses the above, then certainly by kissing it. In addition, one also transgresses a [fifth] prohibition of Ba’al Tishaktzu Nafshoseichem. [Michaber ibid; Ra’avad in Ba’alei Hanefesh Sha’ar Hakedusha 6; Kitzur SHU”A 150:5; See K’neses Hagedola Y.D. 84:4 that by Ba’al Tishaktzu we follow the majority of people, however, according to the Peri Chadash 84:3 we follow each individual. See S’dei Chemed 1:183; See also Toros Emes E.H. 25 that there is no Ba’al Tishaktzu by kissing but only by eating food]

[25] See Nedarim ibid; Kallah Rabasi 1:13; Biur Halacha 240:4 “Vekol Shekein”

[26] Rama E.H. 25:2 and Rambam Issureiy Biyah 21:9, as explains Beis Yosef E.H. 25:8 and Bach E.H. 25:2 and Biur Hagr”a 25:15 and Atzei Arazim 25:1; See other opinions in previous footnote; See also Darkei moshe E.H. 25:1, where it is clearly evident that he learns that kissing Oso Makom is forbidden and it does not contradict the statement of kissing every limb.

[27] Practically, although the Rama ibid concludes like the Rambam, which would make it appear that this matter is a clear dispute between the Michaber and Rama, and hence there is room for Ashkenazim to be lenient like the Rama, nonetheless, since the Achronim ibid all conclude like the Michaber and Ra’avad, and it is possible to interpret even the Rama in this manner as does the Beis Shmuel 25:2, therefore certainly one is required to be stringent. This especially applies in light of the fact that the Rama in O.C. ibid made no comment to argue on the Michaber ibid, which implies that regarding this law he does not argue and his ruling in E.H. ibid was merely a general statement. Furthermore, in the Darkei  Moshe E.H. 25:1 the Rama interprets the Tur in E.H. 25:2 that his statement of kissing every limb is with exception to Oso Makom, and hence we see clearly that the Rama does not view this statement, which he too records, as a contradiction to the prohibition of kissing Oso Makom, and that he too agrees that it is forbidden! This especially applies in light of the fact that even the Bach and Beis Yosef, who support the interpretation in the Rambam, both conclude like the Ra’avad. Thus, in all absurdity, those who exclaim that it is completely permitted to kiss the vaginal area, as rules the Rama, are relying on an opinion which is debated if it even exists, and many of the Poskim who claim it exists, themselves rule unlike this opinion, while others don’t even give a final ruling, and hence their argument is intellectually very weak and is certainly motivated by matters other than true Torah understanding. To review some of their claims: they bring the Aruch Hashulchan E.H. ibid as a defense of their position but ignore the fact that in O.C. ibid he clearly writes that it is forbidden. Likewise, they do the same with the Levush, they bring that in E.H. he writes like the Rama ibid, but ignore that in O.C. ibid he prohibits like the Michaber. They do the same to the Tur E.H. 25:2 even though later on he himself rules that kissing Oso Makom is forbidden, as he likewise rules in Tur 240. Likewise, they bring the Rama in E.H. ibid who writes like the Rambam, but ignore the fact that in O.C. ibid he makes no argument on the opinion of the Michaber and that in Darkei Moshe ibid he clearly explains that kissing Oso Makom is an exception to the allowance of kissing every limb. They bring the Toros Emes ibid, but ignore the fact that he simply gave a Pirush on the Rambam, as does the Beis Yosef, and did not necessarily rule this way Lehalacha, as did the Beis Yosef. They quote many Rishonim who write like the Rambam, and some even explicitly rule that kissing Oso Makom is allowed, but ignore the fact that we follow the ruling of Shulchan Aruch and have accepted the rulings of the Michaber irrelevant of how many Rishonic fishing expeditions one does to try to create a basis for allowing it. They likewise ignore the fact that not one Posek or Mifareish in O.C. makes a dissenting comment on the Michaber, which implies that they all agree with his statement. Thus, the argument to say that one can follow the lenient opinion in Rishonim stands against the fact that the Shulchan Aruch and Achronim all conclude unlike this, and those Achronim who they quote to argue at best simply contradict themselves between O.C. and E.H. and hence what right do they have to say we rely on their E.H. ruling and not their ruling in O.C. All in all, there is not one opinion in the Achronim which clearly says that Lehalacha today one may kiss Oso Makom and ignore the ruling of the Michaber in Shulchan Aruch, and against that we have many Achronim who clearly state it is forbidden, and therefore the conclusion should be clear to anyone objectively examining this matter, even if he is not a Rav and certainly if he is a Rav and Posek, that the Halacha is to be stringent. This idea that one can be lenient, Halacha Lema’aseh, is an innovation of the past 20-30 years, and no Sefer has said such a thing Lehalcha until recently. Regarding Rabbanim and Sefarim of today, some Sefarim, website articles, self-proclaimed Rabbis, and Chasan and Kallah teachers, plainly write or state that it is permitted or that one may be lenient to do so. These Sefarim and opinions are not to be taken into account, and in 99% of the case the people writing or voicing these opinions are not qualified Rabbanim in any field of Halacha, and have made themselves a self-proclaimed Posek specifically in the field of kissing Oso Makom. On this, Chazal state: Ki Rabim Chalalim Hipilu-Zeh Talmid Chacham Shelo Higiah Lehorah Umoreh, and as the Rambam and Michaber write, he is a Rasha, Shoteh and Gas Ruach. The Rama adds, “These are the unqualified students who jump to give a ruling and sit on top in order to find fame amongst the ignoramuses” [See Michaber and Rama Y.D. 242:13; Rambam Talmud Torah 5:4; Sotah 22a] Now, regarding a minority of true qualified Rabbanim who do state that perhaps there is room for leniency, at least in a time of need [See Asher Chanan ibid], Bemichals Kevod Torason, it seems from their own writings that they were not fully aware of the full picture in Halacha presented above, and therefore it is not to be relied upon. If one feels he can’t control himself and needs to give his wife oral intimacy, so let it be like many other Halachos in Shulchan Aruch that unfortunately people don’t keep, due to difficulty, but one day IY”H they will come to keep, because they ideally know it’s wrong. However, to create a false narrative that it’s Mutar causes them to never feel the need to improve or change.

[28] See Kallah Rabasi 1:14; See previous footnotes

[29] See Rama E.H. 25:2; Rambam ibid; Rambam Pirush Hamishnayos Sanhedrin 7:4; Semak 285; Kol Bo 75; Sefer Haeshkol ibid; Yeshuos Yaakov; However, see Yerieim ibid

[30] See Ezer Mikodesh E.H. 25:1 that its only by Oso Makom and not outside of it; The Poskim and Sefarim do not go into the exact definition of “Oso Makom,” and therefore we must retain the understanding that it refers to the entire lip area and fold, which becomes wet during intimacy. It would be difficult to argue that it only refers to the actual vaginal hole, and not the clitoris and other folds of skin. It would equally be difficult to argue that it includes the entire pubic area, and hence without any explicit inclusion or exception, we must conclude that the Halacha refers to the normally understood term called “vagina,” which includes all the above parts; See also Sheyikadesh Atzmo 44 footnote 7

[31] See Asher Chanan 3-4:69; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 44:14

[32] See Sheyikadesh Atzmo [Nachmanson-2015] p.  455

[33] Setimas Kol Haposkim and Talmud and Tur who write the prohibition in regard to the man kissing the woman’s genitals [Oso Makom generally refers to a woman’s genitals and not a man’s, and the Tur and Ra’avad in Sha’ar Hakedusha, brought in Beis Yosef 240, explicitly write that it refers to the man looking at his wife and kissing his wife as they conclude, “Since he acted with her in a Minhag Hefker”], and never write that it also applies from the woman to the man; By something so common during intimacy, the fact that the Poskim did not delineate it explicitly, that the prohibition also applies from the woman to the man, implies that it does not; Adart Tiferes 3:40 in name of Rav Ben Tziyon Aba Shaul that the prohibition applies only to the man and that all the sources below used to prohibit are not explicit and are a mere hint which does not reach the threshold of determining Halacha; Sefer Kedushas Moshe p. 76

The reason: Vetzaruch Iyun as to the reason why it only applies from the man to the woman, and not the contrary as well. Perhaps, however, the reason is because men are more Bnei Hargasha, as opposed to women, and hence the lust involved in looking at the area is much more in a man. Furthermore, by a woman it is considered a hidden and private area which has fluids of blood and mucus and hence carries more Zuhama, making it Ba’al Tishaktzu, as opposed to a man in which it protrudes and is not relevant to any of the above.

[34] So rule regarding seeing, and the same would apply even more so regarding kissing, as write the Poskim ibid: See Ba’al Haturim Kedoshim on the verse, “’Vehi Tireh Es Ervaso Venichrisu Lieineiy Bnei Amam/And she will see his Ervah and be cut off,’ this hints to the fact that one who stares at her vagina has children who are born blind,” which can imply that also her seeing his Ervah can cause the children to become blind [however, in truth this matter is not definitive, as he concludes with specifying the wording of ‘him looking at her,’ as well as that the Ba’al Haturim is mere Derush, and is not for Paskening Halachos]; Possible understanding of Rebbe Meir Aldabi in Shivilei Emuna 3:5; Possible understanding of Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 7:2; Pirush Ataras Adar on Ba’al Haturim ibid, “Certainly the prohibition is also on her to look at his Ervah, although perhaps based on the verse we can deduce that the punishment only applies when they both look at each other’s Ervah” [although he suggests that from the Ba’al Haturim ibid, on the contrary, we can imply that the prohibition only applies to him]; Az Nidbaru 13:61, “Also by women this prohibition applies”; Kuntrus Derech Hamelech p. 23 that all the reasons for prohibiting for a man apply likewise for a woman; See also Rashi Shabbos 86a; Upikadeta Navecha p. 37 footnote 1; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 44:10 concludes that so is the main opinion.

[35] All Poskim in Halacha 16A regarding anal intercourse who prohibit Zera Levatala; Rama ibid, “As long as he does not release seed in vain”; Implication of Rama ibid that even the lenient opinion only allows ejaculation by anal intercourse and not by Derech Eivarim.

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that it is permitted to even ejaculate on occasion during non-penetrative intercourse, such as between the thighs. [See Derisha E.H. 25:6 that all non vaginal intercourse is considered Shelo Kedarka and is hence included in the allowance of Riy and all Poskim who rule like him, that one may ejaculate on occasion even through Derech Eivarim; Implication of Poskim who write, “Bah Aleha Derech Eivarim” that it includes also ejaculation; See Torah L’shma 289, “Derech Eivarim, between her thighs, that he did not ejaculate inside at all”]

[36] See Michaber ibid and Michaber Y.D. 116:6, “It is forbidden to eat repulsive foods, such as foods and beverages which have had vomit or feces and repulsive moistures mixed into them and the like. Likewise, it is forbidden to eat and drink from repulsive vessels of feces, such as the vessels of a bathroom, and the glass vessels used for bloodletting and the like, as well one may not eat with sweaty hands and on dirty plates, as all these things are included in [the prohibition of], ‘Do not disgust your souls.’”; Shach Y.D. 81:2 that drinking urine is forbidden due to Ba’al Tishaktzu; Mishneh Avos 3:1 that semen is called a Tipa Serucha/a repulsive drop”; See Bach 116:9 and Ma’aseh Rokei’ach on Rambam Machalos Assuros 17:29 that this applies even if the vessel is made of glass and can be cleaned; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 44 footnote 16

[37] See K’neses Hagedola Y.D. 84:4 that for Ba’al Tishaktzu we follow the majority of people, and even according to the Peri Chadash 84:3, who writes that we follow each individual, nonetheless he concludes that all matters written in 116 apply to all people; See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 44 footnote 16

[38] All Poskim ibid regarding anal intercourse who prohibit Zera Levatala; Rama ibid in first opinion, “As long as he does not release seed in vain”; Possible implication of Rama ibid that even the lenient opinion only allows ejaculation by anal intercourse and not by Derech Eivarim.

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule it is permitted to even ejaculate on occasion during non-penetrative intercourse, such as between the thighs. [Possible understanding of 2^nd opinion in Rama ibid, and Riy in Tosafus Yevamos 34b; See Derisha E.H. 25:6 that all non-vaginal intercourse is considered Shelo Kedarka and is hence included in the allowance of Riy and all Poskim who rule like him, that one may ejaculate on occasion even through Derech Eivarim; Implication of Poskim who write, “Bah Aleha Derech Eivarim,” that it includes also ejaculation; See Torah L’shma 289 “Derech Eivarim, between her thighs, that he did not ejaculate inside at all”]

The law according to the 2^nd opinion in Rama ibid: Seemingly, the leniency of the lenient opinion recorded in the Rama ibid only applies to anal intercourse, which is nonetheless defined as intercourse. However, to expel Zera Levatala through other forms of intercourse, such as oral, Derech Eivarim, and certainly through the hands, would be forbidden according to all, even though it is done with one’s wife. Vetzaruch Iyun, as although the Heter of the Poskim ibid refers specifically to Shelo Kedarka, nonetheless, some Poskim write that Shelo Kedarka includes all forms of intercourse [see Derisha E.H. 25:6; Torah L’shma 289 “Derech Eivarim, between her thighs, that he did not ejaculate inside at all”]. However, on the other hand, the Poskim all agree to the ruling of Michaber in E.H. 23:1 that it is forbidden to finish outside one’s wife, hence implying that the entire allowance of the above Poskim is limited specifically to anal intercourse, which is defined Halachically as a form of intercourse. Certainly, however, masturbating would be forbidden even according to this opinion, as proven from many sources in the Talmud and Poskim, and the leniency above is only relevant during intimacy, and possibly only during anal intercourse.

[39] See Rama E.H. 25:2

[40] See Elya Raba 240:10; Atzei Arazim E.H. 25:1

[41] See Asher Chanan 3-4:69; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 44:14

[42] See Michaber Y.D. 116:6, “It is forbidden to eat repulsive foods, such as foods and beverages which have had vomit or feces and repulsive moistures mixed into them and the like. Likewise, it is forbidden to eat and drink from repulsive vessels of feces, such as the vessels of a bathroom, and the glass vessels used for bloodletting and the like, as well one may not eat with sweaty hands and on dirty plates, as all these things are included in [the prohibition of], ‘Do not disgust your souls.’”; Bach 116:9 and Ma’aseh Rokei’ach on Rambam Machalos Assuros 17:29 that this applies even if the vessel is made of glass and can be cleaned.

[43] See Upikadeta Navecha 4 footnote 2; Sheyikadesh Atzmo [Nachmonson-2015] 44:3-4 [p.  438-446]

[44] Setimas Kol Haposkim who never write of such a prohibition; Implication of Nedarim 20a and Michaber 240:4 that only kissing is forbidden; Implication of Nedarim ibid and Rama E.H. 25:2 and Rambam Issureiy Biyah 21:9 that one may do with his wife as he sees fit [unless explicitly stated otherwise];  Implication of Shabbos 140b and Rashi there that Rav Chisda directed his daughters to tease their husbands and at first hide their Ervah, only allowing their breasts to be touched, in order to tease and arouse love, and only then allow him to touch it; Implication of Hagahos Maimanis Ishus 15 Mem based on Shabbos ibid; Birkeiy Yosef E.H. 25:3 who writes on the words of the Lechem Mishneh, “All of his words are senseless as the discerner will see”; Chochmas Adam 120:23, “When the husband touches her with his finger during intercourse or penetrates with his Eiver”; Sefer Segulas Yisrael Tazria p. 567; See Ben Yehoyada Niddah 13a and Sheyikadesh Atzmo 44 footnote 5

[45] Possible understanding of Rashi Shabbos ibid that Rav Chisda specifically taught his daughters to do so, although with delay, in order to properly arouse desire; See Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos 6:10 of the need to arouse the wife beforehand to the point that she is heated and her breath changes; See Sefer Segulas Yisrael Tazria p. 567 that it is proper to touch the area during intercourse in order so she can be Mazria Techila [i.e. climax]; See Az Nidbaru 1:61:2

[46] Lechem Mishneh on Rambam Ishus 15:18 who interprets the case in Shabbos 140b to be discussing preventing the husband from entering his fingers into her vagina as, “Certainly from the letter of the law it is forbidden to do so, as it is forbidden to touch there”, and so is his understanding of the Rambam ibid; Taharas Yisrael 240:33 and Sefer Kedusha 9:12 in name of Pischei Olam in name of Rabbeinu Yerucham Nesiv 23, “One who enters his finger into the vaginal area of a woman is a great Pirtza, and is forbidden, and even if he looks at it, although is not liable for Malkus” [However, in truth this is a mistake in print, as Rabbeinu Yerucham refers to a married woman, Eishis Ish, who is an Ervah, and not one’s wife, and hence the above sources from Rabbeinu Yerucham are erroneous-Beir Moshe 3:152-13; Upikadeta Navecha 4 footnote 2; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 44 footnote 8]; Mishneh Halachos 17 p. 76; Meiy Hada’as 240:54 concludes to be lenient only in a time of need; See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 44 footnote 5 who interprets the Lechem Mishneh ibid to in truth only be prohibiting due to Midas Chassidus.

Touching without penetrating one’s finger: It is questionable whether the above opinion prohibits even an external touch on the lips of the vagina, or only a full finger penetration. [See Mishneh Halachos ibid] Accordingly, perhaps to rub on the clitoris would be permitted according to all.

[47] The reason: As if we rule that even looking at the vaginal area is forbidden then certainly touching it is forbidden.

[48] As so is Setimas Kol Haposkim who never write of such a prohibition; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 44:3

[49] See Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos 7 2:8 that Rav Chisda taught his daughters to delay their husbands from doing so due to “Tzenius”; Meiy Hada’as 240:54 writes that according to all it is Midas Chassidus to avoid; Upikadeta Navecha 4 footnote 2

[50] Sheyikadesh Atzmo 44:4 footnote 8; See Maharam Melublin 53 that the intercourse alone is not the only Mitzvah but rather all affection that rejoices his wife is part of the Mitzvah; Igros Moshe E.H. 1:102 that it is permitted for a Chasan who is mere days prior to his wedding to study from Kosher sex guidebooks, as stated above, for the sake of being knowledgeable in what to do with his wife.

[51] Upikadeta Navecha 4 footnote 2

[52] See Meiy Hada’as [that initially they are not to be taught to touch the area]; Kuntrus Derech Hamelech p. 25 [to teach it after the Chasuna, only if necessary]; Binyan Habayis Al Pi Derech Hatorah p. 115; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 44:4

[53] See Otzer Haposkim E.H. 23:1-4; Encyclopediua Talmudit 11; Encyclopedia Hilchatit Refuit Zera p. 391; Sheyikadesh Atzmo [Nachmonson-2015] p.  295-301; 423

[54] Mishneh and Gemara Niddah 13a, “Nashim Lav Bnei Hargasha Ninhu”; Tosafos Niddah ibid and 2nd approach in Tosafos Rosh on Niddah ibid that this means that they are not commanded against performing Zera Levatala as their seed remains inside their body even after it is stimulated and is hence never spilled; Tosafos Yevamos 12b; Shut Tzafnas Panei’ach [Rogatchaver] 164; Torah L’shma 504 based on fact that Zera Levatala is not mentioned for reason for prohibiting lesbian relations and that so is evident from the Talmud, Rambam, and Poskim [unlike what he writes in Ben Yehoyada Niddah 13a]

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that women are prohibited against performing Zera Levatala with their seed [i.e. female stimulation/masturbation]. [Rashi and Rabbeinu Chananel brought in Tosafos Rosh on Niddah 13a; Ramban Niddah ibid, “I do not agree with Tosafos, as although women are not commanded in having children, they are commanded against destroying the seed.”] So is evident from Niddah ibid that it is referring to stimulation, however, regarding the exact definition of seed of a woman, this matter is unclear and the Mefarshim offer various explanations: [See also Brachos 60a, Niddah 28a and 31a, “When a woman gives seed first she conceives a male child”] 1) The female seed in this context refers to the moisture that she experiences in the area during intimacy. [Seforno Tazria] 2) The term seed used in the above context refers to the blood that gathers in the woman’s womb at the conclusion of stimulation. [Ramban on Tazria; Chazon Ish Y.D. 104:3]

[55] See Sha’ar Hakavanos Inyan Drush Layla 7; Zohar Pekudei p. 264; Yesod Yosef Tikkun 6; Yifei Laleiv 239; Ben Yehoyada Niddah 13a; Torah L’shma 504; Ben Ish Chaiy Pekudei 1:13; Rav Poalim 1 Sod Yeshatim 9; Od Yosef Chaiy Shoftim 24; Kaf Hachaim 239:3; Yabia Omer Y.D. 4:27

[56] See Torah L’shma 504 that the Kabbalistic damage only applies if she does so herself as a result of her own Hirhurim, as opposed to if it happens as result of her desire for her husband and through her husband’s hugs and kisses. Nonetheless, it appears there that this is contingent on if the intent was not to her orgasm and expel mucus, but rather simply to show her love and as a byproduct, the orgasm occurred. See also Ben Yehoyada ibid and Rav Poalim 1 Sod Yesharim 9 who writes that even if the husband touches her vagina to excite her prior to intercourse there is Zera Levatala, as writes the Arizal. Vetzaruch Iyun; Practically, so concludes Sheyikadesh Atzmo 21:5

[57] Ben Yehoyada ibid and Rav Poalim ibid brought in previous footnote; See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 21 footnote 5 at length

[58] So is evident from all Poskim, as they never mention any such prohibition to beware of such a thing during intimacy, to make sure that she does not get wet or climax prior to or post actual intercourse, and so is evident from the Torah L’shma ibid that the entire issue is only according to Kabbalah.

[59] See Basra 4:2 and Siddur that one may touch the penis for the sake of Zivug; Sheyikadesh Atzmo [Nachmonson-2015] p.  447

[60] See Basra 4:2 and Siddur that one may touch the penis for the sake of Zivug

[61] See Admur Kama 3:22 and our corresponding Sefer, “Awaking like a Jew” chapter 7 Halacha 11

[62] See Michaber 240:5; Gittin 70; Taharas Yisrael 240:36; Piskeiy Teshuvos 240:15; Sheyikadesh Atzmo [Nachmonson-2015] p.  464-480

[63] Michaber 240:5; Tur O.C. 240:15 and E.H. 25:2; Gittin 70a; Menoras Hama’or Ner Gimel K’lal Vav 5:3; Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 7 Chulya Beis 7; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 46:6

[64] Siddur Ya’avetz ibid; Eiruvin 100b that she becomes a pillow for her husband as explained Rashi ibid

[65] Derech Pikudecha Asei 11; Salmas Chaim 234; Sheyikdesh Atzmo ibid

[66] Gittin ibid “He gets Ivis”; Rashi translates this as Krenpa in Laz, which Sefer Otzer Loazey says means spasms of the muscles.

[67] Gittin ibid “He gets Dalariya”

[68] Michaber 240:5; Tur 240:5 and E.H. 25:3; Kallah Rabasi 1:23; Gittin 70a, “She’s on top and he’s on bottom, they receive Deleriya”; Nedarim 31b, “Why is the man’s face towards the ground while the woman’s face is up towards the husband, as each one looks at his area of creation”; Rebbe Yochanon ben Dehavaiy in Nedarim 20a, “The Malachei Hashareis told me four things: The first being that children who are crippled are born that way because their parents had intimacy in a way that turns the table around.” and Rashi, Ran and Rosh, there explains that this refers to the wife on top and husband on bottom; Otzer Hamidrashim Alfa Beisa of Ben Sira p. 47 that Adam had an original wife named Lilis who was created from the earth and she demanded that she be on top; Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 7 Chulya Beis 1; Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 150:1; Aruch Hashulchan 240:10

Other opinions: The sages in the Gemara are of the opinion that there is no prohibition in having intercourse in other positions, and in essence one may choose any position he desires. [Chochamim in Nedarim ibid, “The Halacha is unlike Rebbe Yochanon Ben Havaiy and rather, whatever a person desires to do with his wife, he may. To what is this similar? To meat in a kitchen. If one wants to eat it salted, he eats it salted. If one wants to eat it roasted, he eats it roasted. If he wants to eat it cooked, he eats it cooked, and the same applies to fish… There was a woman who came before Rebbe and said, ‘Rebbe, I prepared for him a table and he turned it over.’ He said to her, ‘My daughter, The Torah permitted you, and what can I do for you.’ The same story occurred with Rav. A woman came to him and said, ‘Rebbe, I made for him a table and he turned it over.’  Rav replied, ‘Why is it different than the Banisa fish.’” See Sefer Chareidim Teshuvah 2, brought in Sh’lah Sha’ar Ha’osyos Kedusha 361-362, who interprets this turning over of the table as the wife on top and so likewise explains Rashi there. However, others explain this to mean anal intercourse, as explained in Halacha 16A. Whatever the case, if we rule that anal intercourse is permitted then certainly other positions should be permitted.] This implies that there is no danger even involved in doing so, and that the Sages argue on the very concept of the angels who state that it causes limpness. [Implication of Ameimar in Nedarim ibid] However, from other sources it is understood that the Sages only argue that it is technically permitted from the letter of the law, although they agree with the angels that it is indeed dangerous for the children. [See Kallah Rabasi 1:14] Some Poskim rule that the entire warning against other positions only applies on the night of Mikveh, as explained in the main paragraph – see there!

Can the wife become pregnant if she is on top? Some write that it is not possible to become pregnant if the wife is on top. [Sefer Gematrios L’rebbe Yehuda Hachassid Parshas Ki Seitzei] Others, however, negate this. [See Sh’lah Sha’ar Ha’osiyos Kuf; Implication of Nedarim ibid; Elya Raba 240:12 in name of Lechem Chamudos]

[69] Ma’amar Mordechai 240:7 [see reason below for explanation]

[70] Ra’avan Hayarchi on Kallah Rabasi ibid p. 51

[71] Tur 240; Miseches Kalah; Siddur Ya’avetz Hanhagas Leil Shabbos 2:1; See Nedarim ibid

[72] The reason: The reason it is considered brazen for the wife to be on top is because the woman is to be the receiver and not the giver, and when she becomes the giver it is considered brazen of her. [Ma’amar Mordechai ibid; See also Ra’avan on Kallah Rabasi ibid that this follows the verse, “Vehu Yimshol Bach”; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 46 footnote 2] Alternatively, the reason is because each one is to stare at his origin, and hence man who was created form earth stares down to the earth, and the wife who was created from man stares up towards man. [Niddah 31b and Rashi there] Alternatively, the reason is because it is difficult for the wife to be on top, and one may not cause his wife pain during intimacy. [See Rosh on Nedarim ibid; Sefer Chassidim 509 that she does not get pleasure when she is on top] Alternatively, the reason is because according to Kabbalah, the Makif comes from the husband and the Penimi from the wife, and if the husband is on top the spiritual wins while if the wife is on top then the physical wins. [Ben Ish Chaiy In Idras Eliyahu; See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 46 footnote 4] Alternatively, the reason is because she cannot become pregnant when she is on top. [See Sefer Gematrios L’rebbe Yehuda Hachassid Parshas Ki Seitzei; Einei Haeida 2:18]

[73] The reason: As it shows that she is stubborn against being dominated by the husband and having him on top. [Ma’amar Mordechai 240:7]

[74] Is this a prohibition or simply a matter that is discouraged: There is no explicit wording of prohibition recorded in the Poskim against performing the above positions and it seems that it is simply discouraged due to being brazen and the like. [See also wording in Kitzur SHU”A ibid and Aruch Hashulchan ibid] Thus, in a case that they are unable to do the recommended position, they may do one of the other positions, and there is nothing brazen about doing so, as they are doing so due to a lack of choice. [See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 46 footnote 5]

[75] Setimas Kol Haposkim

[76] See Sefer Chassidim 509; Kallah Rabasi 1:13

[77] Sefer Chassidim 509; Birkeiy Yosef 240:6; Pirush Bris Olam of Chida on Sefer Chasisidim ibid; Rabbeinu Yerucham 23:1

[78] Setimas Kol Haposkim, and implication of the first two reasons for prohibiting her to be on top which have nothing to do with whether she enjoys it or not, and on the contrary, perhaps when she enjoys it it is considered even more brazen; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 46:2 and footnote 3; However, according to the reason of the Rosh ibid, it would seem that the punishment to the child is only given if she has pain being on top, and not if she herself desires it.

[79] Eiruvin 100b that she becomes a pillow for her husband as explained Rashi ibid that he is on top; Sefer Ha’eshkol Hilchos Tzenius p. 36b “Him on top and her on bottom, this is the way of people.”

[80] Sefer Chassidim 509

[81] See Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 7 Chulya 2:7 that she is to draw her thigh to him, upwards very well. Seemingly, this is done in order to help with conception, as the deeper the husband is able to penetrate the greater the chance that she can conceive. Vetzaruch Iyun, as some medical studies dispute this claim.

[82] See Kallah Rabasi ibid, “It causes the child to be a Hafhafchan [not stable]” and some are Goreis, “It causes the child to be Deliriya” which is translated to mean crazy or in pain

[83] Nedarim ibid as understood by Rashi ibid, Rosh ibid and Ran ibid

The reason: As since he troubled his wife to be on her knees, therefore his child’s legs will be injured. [Rosh ibid] Alternatively, since the change occurred with his thigh, therefore his child’s thigh will be injured. [Ran ibid]

[84] Ra’avan on Kallah Rabasi ibid

[85] Ben Ish Chaiy in Idras Eliyahu in explanation of Arizal who states that the Makif comes from the husband and the Penimi from the wife, and if the husband is on top the spiritual wins while if the wife is on top then the physical wins; See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 46 footnote 4

[86] Kallah Rabasi 1:23; Pirush HaRa’avan Hayrchi p. 51; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 46:5

[87] Sefer Chassidim 509, “Although it says that snakes and fish and humans do it face to face because the Shechinah talked with them, nevertheless as Rav says, one may do it in any position as long as his wife agrees. Only on the night of Tevila must he be on top and she on bottom, as she only enjoys it when she is on bottom, and then she can become pregnant… so she can give seed first and have a son. However, on the other nights he may do as he pleases so he does not think of other women, so long as she agrees.”; Birkeiy Yosef 240:6, “Sefer Chassidim implies that by other nights other than Leil Mikveh there is no prohibition”; Pirush Bris Olam of Chida on Sefer Chasisidim ibid; Rabbeinu Yerucham 23:1 in name of Rishonim that there is no prohibition on other nights.

[88] See Sefer Chassidim ibid

[89] Setimas Kol Haposkim and so would apply according to most of the reasons behind why the other positions are negated, in which the concept of Mikveh night is irrelevant; Da’as Torah 1 240:5

[90] See Elya Raba 240:12; Piskeiy Teshuvos ibid; Sheyikadesh Atzmo [Nachmanson-2015] p.  473-480

[91] Rama E.H. 25:2, “He may have intercourse with her whether Kedarka or Lo Kedarka,” and some explain this to mean from behind [and not anal intercourse] see old prints of Shulchan Aruch and Beir Hagoleh who explicitly interpret it this way; P”M 241 A”A 1; Chochamim in Nedarim ibid, “The Halacha is unlike Rebbe Yochanon Ben Havaiy and rather whatever a person desires to do with his wife he may. To what is this similar? To meat in a kitchen. If one wants to eat it salted, he eats it salted. If one wants to eat it roasted, he eats it roasted. If he wants to eat it cooked, he eats it cooked, and the same applies to fish…. There was a woman who came before Rebbe and said, ‘Rebbe, I prepared for him a table and he turned it over.’ He said to her, ‘My daughter, The Torah permitted you, and what can I do for you.’ The same story occurred with Rav. A woman came to him and said, ‘Rebbe, I made for him a table and he turned it over.’  Rav replied, ‘Why is it different than the Banisa fish.’”; Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 7 Chulya Beis 2; So is evident from the majority of Poskim in Halacha 15A  who permit anal intercourse, and would hence certainly permit vaginal intercourse from the back, and so is clear from Sefer Chareidim Teshuvah 2 that the entire allowance of Shelo Kedarka of Chachamim is vaginal intercourse from behind and so writes Milchemes Mitzvah of the son of Rashbatz. One thus must conclude that from the letter of the law it is allowed. So is also understood from the fact that the Michaber omits this negation even though he clearly negates the other positions of intimacy. Vetzaruch Iyun.

According to this opinion, is there danger involved in doing so: According to the lenient opinion, it is implied that there is no danger involved in doing so, and that the Sages argue on the very concept of the angels which state that it causes limpness. [Implication of Ameimar in Nedarim ibid] However, from other sources it is understood that the Sages only argue that it is technically permitted from the letter of the law, although they agree with the angels that it is indeed dangerous for the children. [See Kallah Rabasi 1:14]

[92] Beir Heiytiv 240:15 in name of Zohar Pekudei p. 259; Kallah Rabasi 1:13; Levush E.H. 23:5, brought in P”M 241 A”A 1; Elya Raba 240:10 and 12; Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 7 Chulya Beis 2 that this allowance was only said corresponding to the Yetzer Hara and is not a good thing and is not praised; Taharas Yisarel 240:38; Nesivos Hashalom 11:6; Reishis Chochmah 16:32; Sefer Chareidim Teshuvah 3; Sh’lah Sha’ar Ha’osiyos Os Kuf; Rebbe Yochanon ben Dehavaiy in Nedarim 20a, brought in Tur 240, “The Malachei Hashareis told me four things: The first being that that children who are crippled are born that way because their parents had intimacy in a way that turns the table around.” Some learn that this refers to animal style relations in which the husband faces the back of the wife and penetrates her in that position. [Rashi ibid; Ra’avad in Ba’alei Hanefesh] However, many Poskim rule that it refers to anal penetration and not vaginal penetration.

[93] Tur 240; Rashi Chulin 127a; Rashi Sotah 42b regarding Orpah; Ra’avad in Ba’alei Hanefesh Sha’ar Hakedusha

[94] Torah Or Esther p. 184

[95] Beir Heiytiv 240:15 in name of Zohar Pekudei p. 259; Reishis Chochmah Sha’ar Hakedusha 16:28-30; Sefer Chareidim Teshuvah 3; Sh’lah Sha’ar Ha’osiyos Os Kuf

[96] See Rashi Sanhedrin 99a

[97] Elya Raba 240:10

[98] See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 46 footnote 5

[99] See Sheyikadesh Atzmo that so rule many Morei Hora’as

[100] However, see Igros Moshe E.H. 1:102 that it is permitted for a Chasan to study non-pornographic scholastic sex-education books for the sake of pleasuring his wife.

[101] Pirush Bris Olam of Chida on Sefer Chasisidim 509, “I heard from one of the Rabbanim, who ruled based on the Rishonim, that a couple who cannot do it unless she is on top may do so”; Kisei Rachamim on Miseches Kallah 3:3; Levush E.H. 25:5 [permits due to stomach pain in wife to do from behind]; Elya Raba 240:12; Taharas Yisarel 240:38; Piskeiy Teshuvos 240:15 [concludes to ask a Rav]; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 46:4 [concludes to ask a Rav]; See Eiruvin 100b that she becomes a pillow for her husband as explained Rashi ibid, and that this is one of the curses of Chavah!

[102] The reason: As there is no explicit prohibition written in the Poskim against performing the other positions, and it is merely discouraged due to being brazen and the like. Thus, in a case that they are unable to do the recommended position, they may do one of the other positions, and there is nothing brazen about doing so, as they are doing so due to a lack of choice. Likewise, if she has pain doing it the normal way, then one of the reasons for why the other positions are to be avoided is completely retracted, as the reason why she is not to be on top is because she does not enjoy it, and here, on the contrary, she will not enjoy it unless she is on top. Furthermore, some Poskim [as explained above, and in coming footnotes!] even initially permit other positions on every night other than Mikveh night. [See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 46 footnote 5]

[103] Sheyikadesh Atzmo 46:6

[104] Levush ibid permits if all face to face positions are painful; Elya Raba 25:12; Taharas Yisarel 240:38; Piskeiy Teshuvos ibid; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 47:3

[105] See Sefer Chassidim 509, “Only on the night of Tevila must he be on top and she on bottom, as she only enjoys it when she is on bottom, and then she can become pregnant… so she can give seed first and have a son. However, on the other nights he may do as he pleases so he does not think of other women, so long as she agrees.”; Birkeiy Yosef 240:6, “Sefer Chassidim implies that by nights other than Leil Mikveh there is no prohibition”; Pirush Bris Olam of Chida on Sefer Chasisidim ibid; Rabbeinu Yerucham 23:1 in name of Rishonim that there is no prohibition on other nights.

[106] Kesubos 60b; Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 7 Chulya Beis 5; Menoras Hama’or Elonkovah Derech Eretz; Reishis Chochma Drech Eretz Sha’ar Gimel; Piskeiy Teshuvos 240:15; Sheyikadesh Atzmo [Nachmonson-2015] p.  325-327; See Gittin 70a that sleeping on the floor diminishes Zera and Reishis Chochma Chupas Eliyahu 10 that it diminishes energy; Ramban Shemos 21:9 that it is the way of prostitutes to do it on the ground.

[107] Salmas Chaim 235

[108] Kesubos ibid

[109] Menoras Hama’or ibid

[110] See Yalkut Hame’iri 1:404

[111] See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 27:3

[112] Salmas Chaim 235