Question
I am in my early 30’s and was never married and was recently offered a shidduch with a widow. Her husband was killed following the events of October 7th, and she is left raising three young children. Someone told me that according to the Zohar there is a danger involved in marrying a widow and that special spiritual rectifications are required before doing so. On the other hand, I know many observant Jews, including Chassidim, who have married widows without hesitation. Is there really a concern? What is the practical halacha today and what should I do if I desire to move forward with the Shidduch.
Answer
From the perspective of Shulchan Aruch, there is no prohibition or impediment whatsoever to marrying a first-time widow. [This question is often confused with a separate halachic discussion regarding when one may first consummate a marriage with a widow. While the Shulchan Aruch and Poskim discuss certain restrictions and concerns regarding the timing of the first marital relations with a widow, particularly on Shabbos and Yom Tov, this should not be confused with the entirely separate question of whether one may marry a widow in the first place.]
However, according to Kabbalah, there is a spiritual danger associated with marrying a widow. While many Poskim limit the application of this teaching, and others write that the concern no longer applies today, others, in particularly Sephardim, perform a Tikkun known as the Tikkun of the Rashash, in order to circumvent it.
Practically, the widespread Ashkenazi custom is not to be concerned for this matter, and the practical directive of the Chabad Rabbeim was to permit marrying a widow without hesitation and without requiring the Tikkun of the Rashash. Furthermore, one should be careful not to publicize this warning in a way that may cause distress or stigmatization to widows.
Explanation
This subject is a classic example of the distinction between normative halacha and teachings found in Kabbalistic literature.
From the standpoint of halacha, there is no issue with marrying a first-time widow, and there is no danger involved in doing so. Indeed, countless great Torah scholars and righteous Jews throughout Jewish history have done so. Had there been a halachic issue, the Poskim would have prohibited it. They did not.
This point is further evident from the very fact that the Talmud and Shulchan Aruch only discuss a concern regarding a Katlanis—a woman whose previous two husbands passed away during marriage. The Poskim rule that after two such occurrences a chazakah is established, and therefore one should not marry her a third time due to danger. If there were a halachic concern with marrying any widow, then the Talmud and Poskim would have prohibited marriage even after the first husband passed away. The fact that they specifically limited their discussion to a woman who was widowed twice demonstrates that, from the standpoint of normative halacha, there is no concern whatsoever in marrying a first-time widow. Furthermore, some Poskim rule that even the law of a Katlanis applies only when the previous husbands died a natural death, and not when they were killed through murder, war, epidemic, or other tragic external circumstances. Certainly then, in the case of a woman whose husband was killed in the aftermath of the October 7th war, there is even less basis to apply any concerns associated with a Katlanis.
However, the Zohar records a spiritual concern regarding one who marries a widow. In the Kabbalistic sources that discuss this matter, the concern is not that the widow herself is dangerous, G-d forbid. Rather, the idea presented in the Zohar is that a spiritual bond remains between the deceased husband and his wife, and that the soul of the deceased husband may be disturbed by another man entering the marriage. According to this approach, the danger is attributed to spiritual jealousy or a claim from the deceased husband’s soul against the new husband. The Chida in Chaim Sheol (2:19), records a striking incident that occurred in his own time in which four successive husbands of a widow passed away. The Chida cites this story in the course of discussing the Zohar’s warning and as support for those who viewed the matter seriously.
Based on this teaching, the Kabbalistic authorities instituted a special Tikkun, attributed to the Rashash, for those who chose to marry a widow, and so is followed by some Sephardic communities. Nevertheless, even among those who took the Zohar’s warning seriously, the matter was far from universally understood in the same way.
Limiting the Concern
Some authorities wrote that the concern applies only during the first year after the husband’s passing. According to this view, once sufficient time has elapsed, the issue no longer exists. Others went further and argued that the concern does not apply in contemporary times at all. Among those who adopted this latter approach were major Chassidic authorities and leaders.
The Chabad Tradition
The practical directive of the Chabad Rabbeim was not to discourage marriages to widows.
On the contrary, in several letters the Rebbe encouraged such matches and did not require concern for the warnings found in the Zohar. Likewise, no requirement was made to perform the Tikkun of the Rashash. Indeed, the Rebbe emphasized another point entirely: helping a widow rebuild her life and establish a Torah home is itself a great merit.
A Source of Comfort for the Deceased Husband
One of the most striking teachings cited by the Rebbe in many letters, and attributed to the Maggid of Mezritch, is that the remarriage of a widow and the rebuilding of a Jewish home is not viewed as a betrayal of the deceased husband. Quite the opposite. When a widow remarries and continues to build a Torah family, this brings satisfaction and elevation to the soul of her late husband. Rather than viewing remarriage negatively, it is seen as part of the continued building of Jewish life and continuity.
Why This Topic Should Be Discussed Carefully
Several Poskim caution against publicizing the warnings regarding widows. The reason is simple. A widow has already endured tremendous loss. Public discussions that portray her as somehow dangerous to marry can cause unnecessary pain, embarrassment, and difficulty in finding a future spouse. Accordingly, even those who discussed the Zohar’s warning stressed the importance of sensitivity and discretion. The practical result is that while the Zoharic sources exist and deserve respect, they should never be used to stigmatize widows or discourage worthy matches.
When to Consummate the Marriage with a Widow
It is important to note that aside from the general discussion regarding marrying a widow, two additional concerns are recorded regarding the timing of the first marital relations. These discussions are of a different nature, as they are brought not only in later Kabbalistic works but are discussed by classical Poskim and are recorded in the halachic literature.
The first concerns having marital relations with a widow for the first time on Shabbos or Yom Tov. The Shulchan Aruch and Shulchan Aruch Harav rule that one should not first consummate a marriage with a widow on Shabbos or Yom Tov. Part of the discussion relates to the question of when the stage of Nissuin is completed. However, the Maharil, cited by later Poskim, adds an additional concern of danger specifically regarding first relations with a widow on Shabbos or Yom Tov.
The second concern, mentioned by some Acharonim, is having the first marital relations with a widow on the wedding night itself, even during the week. Some authorities viewed this as carrying a potential danger and therefore suggested delaying the consummation. Nevertheless, many Poskim were not stringent, and several rule that one should not adopt such a practice when it can lead to difficulties in marital life. Some even explicitly permit it when the husband has not yet fulfilled the mitzvah of having children.
These discussions should not be confused with the broader question of whether one may marry a widow. Even according to those authorities who discuss these concerns, they are addressing the timing of the first marital relations after the marriage has already taken place. They are not arguing that one should not marry a first-time widow.
Sources
The halachic status of a Katlanis and the proof that a first-time widow presents no halachic concern: Michaber E.H. 9:1; Rambam Issurei Biyah 21:31; Yevamos 64b; Rosh 53:8
The opinion that the law of Katlanis applies only when the previous husbands died naturally and not due to murder, war, epidemic, or other tragic circumstances: Rama E.H. 9:1; Beis Yosef E.H. 9 in name of Ramban
The Zohar’s warning regarding marrying a widow: Zohar Parshas Mishpatim; Chaim Sheol 2:19; Chavos Yair 197; Chupas Chasanim
The incident cited by the Chida in which four husbands of a widow died: Chaim Sheol 2:19
The Tikkun of the Rashash for one who marries a widow: Rav Poalim Sod Yesharim 1; Nitei Gavriel Nissuin 52:8
The opinion that the concern applies only during the first year after the husband’s passing: Chaim Sheol 2:19; Chaim Veshalom 1:13; Maharsham 2:142; Daas Torah 339; Igros Kodesh 3:24
The opinion that the concern no longer applies today: Bnei Yissachar Adar 2:7; Daas Torah O.C. 339:5; Nitei Gavriel 52:4
The practical directive of the Chabad Rabbeim to permit marriage to a widow without concern: Igros Kodesh 3:24; 27:71; 101; Igros Kodesh Rashab 2:923; Likkutei Sichos 19:515
The Ashkenazi custom not to require the Tikkun of the Rashash: Igros Kodesh 3:24; Nitei Gavriel 52:8
The instruction not to publicize the warning in a manner that causes pain to widows: Yosef Ometz 49; Chaim Veshalom 1:13
The teaching that a widow’s remarriage and continued Torah family life brings satisfaction to her late husband: Likkutei Sichos 19:515; Bnei Yissachar Adar 2:7 in name of Mezritcher Maggid
The prohibition against first consummating a marriage with a widow on Shabbos or Yom Tov: Shulchan Aruch O.C. 339:5; Admur 339:8; Maharil Hilchos Shabbos; Magen Avraham 339:11; Taz Y.D. 197:6
The concern of danger regarding first marital relations with a widow on Shabbos or Yom Tov: Maharil Hilchos Shabbos p. 211; Magen Avraham 339:11; Bach 339; Kaf Hachaim 339:62
The concern mentioned by some Poskim regarding first marital relations with a widow on the wedding night: Daas Torah 339:5; Maharsham 2:141; 3:339; Tuv Taam Vedaas 263; Chelkas Yaakov 3:19; Minchas Yitzchak 4:85; 6:149
The practical ruling not to be stringent when it may lead to sin: Chelkas Yaakov 3:19; Minchas Yitzchak 6:149