Question
We have a wedding coming up, and there are certain relatives whom I am extremely upset with. Some have hurt me deeply, others have insulted me, and some have caused years of family tension. Frankly, I do not want to see their faces at the wedding. Part of me also feels that perhaps they deserve to feel the sting and embarrassment of not being invited. Am I justified in excluding them from the Simcha?
Answer
In the overwhelming majority of cases, not inviting a close family member to a Simcha should be viewed as an absolute last resort and not as a first response to conflict.
A person has the right to protect himself from genuine abuse and toxicity. There are indeed situations in which distance is necessary, and sometimes even mandated. However, absent such circumstances, excluding relatives from a wedding or other major family Simcha often becomes a defining moment that transforms a temporary conflict into a multi-generational estrangement.
Before taking such a drastic step, one should ask himself honestly: Have I truly exhausted every avenue of reconciliation? Have I spoken to them directly? Have I involved a Rav? A therapist? A respected family mediator? Have I made repeated attempts to find peace?
If the answer is no, then excluding them is usually a grave mistake that can cause immeasurable and permanent suffering to everyone involved.
The Difference Between Being Angry and Cutting Off Family
People often justify family estrangement by focusing on the wrongs committed by the other side.
The problem is that the other side is usually doing the exact same thing.
Almost every family feud has two narratives. Each side feels hurt, misunderstood, disrespected, ignored, or betrayed. The natural tendency is to focus on what was done to us while minimizing what we may have contributed to the breakdown.
The Rebbe wrote that whenever two parties are involved in a dispute, it is exceedingly rare for one side to be entirely correct and the other entirely wrong. Rather, each side generally has something that requires introspection and correction.
This does not mean that all parties bear equal blame. Sometimes one side truly behaved far worse than the other. Nonetheless, before severing family ties, one must honestly examine whether every possible effort at resolution has been exhausted.
A Wedding Invitation Is Never Just a Wedding Invitation
People often tell themselves: “I’m only not inviting them to this one wedding.”
In reality, it is usually much more than that. A non-invitation sends a powerful message:
“You are no longer part of our family.” The recipient feels humiliated, rejected, and publicly excluded. Many people never recover from that wound. The result is often predictable. The excluded relatives respond with their own cutoff. Their children stop talking to your children. Cousins stop knowing cousins. Future weddings become awkward or impossible. Grandchildren grow up as strangers. What began as one wedding invitation frequently becomes the beginning of decades of alienation. The psychological literature on family estrangement repeatedly notes the deep pain experienced by both sides. Even those who initiate the estrangement often continue to carry a longing for reconciliation years later. The pain of family rejection can be experienced similarly to physical pain and leaves a lasting emotional void.
Family Estrangement Is Not a Victimless Decision
One of the greatest mistakes people make is assuming: “I’m only hurting them.” In truth, everyone gets hurt. The uninvited relatives suffer. Their spouses suffer. Their children suffer. Your children suffer. Future generations suffer.
Article on Family estrangement describes case after case of siblings, parents, and children who remained separated for years and continued carrying the pain and longing of that broken relationship. Even where there were legitimate grievances, the emotional toll remained profound. Many people imagine that cutting someone off will bring them peace. Often it does the opposite. The conflict may stop being visible, but the wound remains.
The Torah’s Prohibition of Machlokes
Beyond the personal consequences lies a serious halachic issue. Chazal state that one who maintains and perpetuates a dispute transgresses the command of: “And he shall not be like Korach and his congregation.” The prohibition is not merely against starting a dispute. It includes continuing it and refusing opportunities for reconciliation. Even Moshe Rabbeinu, who was unquestionably correct in his dispute with Dasan and Aviram, nevertheless initiated efforts to make peace with them. The Poskim emphasize that a person must actively seek ways to end conflict, place his pride aside, and utilize opportunities for peace. Indeed, the Torah outlook is that one should run away from Machlokes as one runs from fire.
The Problem of Onaas Devarim
Even if one technically has the right not to invite someone, there remains another issue.
What is the motivation? If the purpose is: “I want them to feel the pain.” “I want them embarrassed.” “I want them to suffer.” Then one is entering the realm of Onaas Devarim, hurting another person emotionally through one’s actions and words. The Torah prohibits causing emotional pain to another Jew. Chazal teach that verbal and emotional suffering can be even more severe than financial loss because money can be repaid, while emotional wounds often remain forever. When a person is intentionally excluded from a family wedding for the purpose of causing emotional pain, one must seriously question whether this can be reconciled with the Torah’s prohibition against causing unnecessary emotional suffering.
The Issur of Hatred
One of the greatest tragedies of family estrangement is that people often justify their actions based on very real feelings of hurt and anger. Indeed, halacha recognizes that in certain situations a person may naturally feel hatred toward someone who has genuinely wronged him and refuses to make amends. Nonetheless, even in such cases, this is not meant to become a permanent state of affairs. The Poskim emphasize that when someone hurts or offends you, the Torah does not want you to silently carry resentment for years. Rather, if you cannot forgive the person, you are obligated to approach him and attempt to resolve the matter, giving him an opportunity to explain himself, apologize, and make peace. One who simply keeps the hurt bottled inside while allowing it to fester often transgresses the prohibition of hating another Jew in one’s heart and becomes trapped in a cycle of anger and bitterness. Accordingly, before deciding to cut off relatives or exclude them from a family Simcha, one must honestly ask whether every effort at reconciliation has been attempted. Quite often, feelings of hatred and estrangement are not resolved because the parties never truly communicated. The Torah path is not to nurture hatred, but to seek closure, healing, forgiveness, and peace whenever reasonably possible. Even where reconciliation cannot presently be achieved, one should never become comfortable with the estrangement or view it as an ideal outcome, but rather continue hoping and looking for opportunities to restore the relationship in the future.
Have You Truly Tried Everything?
Before excluding a family member from a Simcha, one should be able to answer yes to the following:
- Have I spoken directly and respectfully with them?
- Have I clearly explained my concerns?
- Have I listened to their side?
- Have I involved a Rav?
- Have I involved a competent therapist?
- Have I involved a mutually respected family mediator?
- Have I attempted reconciliation more than once?
- Have I made attempts in different ways?
- Have I separated my pride from the actual issue?
Halacha itself requires repeated efforts at reconciliation and forgiveness. The obligation is not satisfied by a single failed conversation.
When Distance Is Justified
With all that said, not every relationship can or should be maintained.
There are cases involving severe abuse, manipulation, danger, addiction, repeated emotional destruction, or genuinely unhealthy relationships where professional and rabbinic guidance may determine that distance is necessary. Even the experts cited in articles on Family estrangement acknowledge that there are situations in which maintaining contact is causing ongoing harm and that separation may be necessary. However, these cases are the exception, not the rule. The danger today is that many people skip all intermediate steps and jump immediately to estrangement.
A Final Thought
Before deciding not to invite a relative to a family Simcha, imagine yourself twenty years from now. Imagine standing at another wedding. Imagine seeing cousins who do not know each other. Imagine relatives who have not spoken for decades. Imagine explaining to your grandchildren why the family split apart. Then ask yourself: Is this truly the only remaining option? In many cases, one difficult conversation, one sincere apology, one mediation session, or one act of humility can prevent decades of pain. A wedding should ideally mark the creation of a family, not the destruction of one.
Sources
See regarding the prohibition to hate a Jew in one’s heart: Michaber C.M. 272:11; Admur Hilchos Ovrei Derachim 9; Pesachim 113b;
See regarding the prohibition to hold onto a dispute and to do everything possible to try to bring it to an end: Rav and Resih Lakish in Sanhedrin 110a based on Bamidbar 17:5; Smag 157 [Biblical-Possibly listed as Mitzvah 157]; Rambam and Ramban Sefer Hamitzvos Shoresh 8 [Rabbinical]; Marganisa Tava on Sefer Hamitzvos Shoresh 8; M”B 156:4; Piskeiy Teshuvos 156:13
The prohibition of causing emotional pain and Onaas Devarim: Admur Hilchos Onah 27; Michaber C.M. 228:1; Bava Metzia 58b
See regarding the obligation to approach the individual if he did something hurtful to you, and you are unable to put it to rest and forgive them: Admur 156:6 “When a person was wronged by another, he is not to remain silent and hold it in his heart and hate him, but rather it is a Mitzvah to confront him and tell him “Why did you do to me such and such,” as the verse states Hocheiach Tochiach Es Amisecha. Nevertheless, if one chooses to forgive the aggressor and not confront him, then this is an act of piety, as the Torah was only particular regarding the hatred.”; Rambam Deios 6:6; Sefer Hamitzvos Assai 205; Sefer Hamaspik Leovdei Hashem [authored by Rav Avraham, son of Rambam] chapter 6 that through confronting ones friend one can banish the hard feeling from his heart; Ramban and Rashbam on Vayikra 19:17 that you need to confront him so he has a chance to apologize and be forgiven; Erechin 16b; Tana Divei Eliyahu Rava 18; Kedoshim 19:17; Likkutei Sichos Vol. 28 p. 169 [lashon Hakodesh edition]
See regarding expressing one’s claims against the individual in a gentle and peaceful manner: Admur 156:8; Rambam Deios 6:7
The teaching brought from the Arizal regarding unexplained sibling hostility and the need to overcome it: Michaber C.M. 7:8; Shaar Hagilgulim Hakdama 20