Grandparents in Aveilus Attending Simchas: Weddings, Sheva Brachos, Bris, Engagements, and Bar Mitzvahs
The laws of an Avel attending a Simcha are among the more sensitive and complex areas of Aveilus. On the one hand, Aveilus requires a person to withdraw from public joy, festive meals, music, dancing, and celebratory gatherings. On the other hand, family Simchas often involve deep emotional significance, and the absence of a parent or grandparent can cause pain to the Baalei Simcha and diminish the Simcha itself.
In general, a mourner may not participate in festive meals during Shloshim, and one who is mourning for a parent is restricted from such meals throughout the twelve months of Aveilus. This applies even to many Seudos Mitzvah, especially wedding-related meals, unless a specific halachic exception applies. However, the Poskim discuss special leniencies for close relatives of the Baal Simcha, especially parents and grandparents, because their presence is often viewed as part of the Simcha itself and their absence may cause distress.
This article will discuss the general restriction against an Avel attending Simchas and festive meals, and then focus specifically on the status of grandparents. It will explain how grandparents are often treated similarly to parents regarding the Simcha of a grandchild, and will go through the practical rulings for each type of Simcha listed: weddings during Shiva, weddings during Shloshim or the year of Aveilus, engagement parties, Sheva Brachos, Bris Milah, Bar Mitzvah meals, and related cases.
- General Rule: An Avel Attending a Simcha[1]
A mourner may not generally participate in a meal during Shloshim, and one mourning a parent may not participate in such meals throughout the twelve months of Aveilus. This applies especially to meals of Simcha, such as weddings and wedding-related celebrations. Exceptions may apply when the meal takes place in the Avel’s home[2], when the Avel serves as a Mishameish[3], or when the Avel is a close relative of the Baal Simcha.[4] For parents and grandparents, the exception is stronger than for ordinary relatives, because their presence is considered significant to the Simcha and their absence can cause pain to the Chasan, Kallah, or family.
- Wedding – Grandparents Attending Grandchild’s Wedding[5]
During Shiva:[6] The grandparents of the Chasan or Kallah may attend the Chuppah even during Shiva if it is taking place outside the wedding area. They, however, may not be present at the meal and dancing.
During Shloshim:[7] Grandparents of the Chasan or Kallah may fully participate in the wedding during Shloshim.[8] This includes attending the Chuppah, eating at the meal[9], remaining during music, participating in dancing[10], and wearing Shabbos clothing[11]. They are not required to serve as Mishameish at the meal in order to attend.[12]
During the Year of Aveilus for a Parent: The same allowance applies during the twelve-month year of mourning for a parent: grandparents of the Chasan or Kallah may fully participate in the wedding, including the Chuppah, meal, music, and dancing. They are not required to serve as waiters or perform Shimush in order to be present.
- Engagement – Grandparents Attending Grandchild’s Engagement Party / Lechayim / Vort
A mourner may attend an engagement party or Lechayim/Vort if there is no sit-down meal and no music.[13] If there is a sit-down meal, then in general a mourner may not attend, even if there is no music, and even if the meal is taking place in the Avel’s home.[14] However, grandparents of the Chasan and Kallah may participate in the engagement party during the Shloshim and 12 months even when a meal is taking place.[15]
- Sheva Brachos – Grandparents Attending Grandchild’s Sheva Brachos
A mourner may not attend a Sheva Brachos meal, even if there is no music being played.[16] However, Grandparents of the Chasan and Kallah may participate in the Sheva Brachos meal during the Shloshim and 12 months.[17]
- Bris – Grandparents Attending Grandsons Bris
Shiva:[18] A grandparent during Shiva may not participate in the Seudas Bris Milah of his grandson, unless the Bris is taking place in his home [i.e. the Shiva house that he is in] in which case he may participate even in the meal.
Shloshim and 12 months:[19] A grandparent who is an Avel may participate in the Seudas Bris Milah of his grandson during the Shloshim and 12 months. The grandparents may wear Shabbos clothing for the Bris.
- Bar Mitzvah – Grandparents Attending Grandchild’s Bar Mitzvah[20]
A grandparent in Aveilus may participate in the Bar Mitzvah of a grandchild, eat at the meal as usual, and wear Shabbos clothing, during the Shloshim and 12 months.
Two-Sentence Summary
In general, an Avel is restricted from attending festive meals and Simchas during Shloshim, and when mourning a parent, throughout the year. However, grandparents often receive special leniencies similar to parents, allowing them to attend and participate in major family Simchas such as weddings, engagement parties, Sheva Brachos, Bris Milah, and Bar Mitzvah meals, with the notable limitation that during Shiva their participation in a wedding is much more restricted.
Quick Reference Table
| Simcha | General Avel | Grandparent in Aveilus |
| Wedding during Shiva | Generally restricted | May attend Chuppah in certain cases, but not the meal |
| Wedding during Shloshim | Generally forbidden | May fully participate |
| Wedding during year for parent | Generally forbidden | May fully participate |
| Engagement without meal/music | Permitted | Permitted |
| Engagement with meal | Generally forbidden | Permitted |
| Sheva Brachos | Generally forbidden | Permitted |
| Shabbos Sheva Brachos | Restricted unless absence is public Aveilus | Permitted when expected or absence is noticeable |
| Bris of grandson | Generally subject to restrictions | Permitted |
| Bar Mitzvah of grandchild | Generally forbidden during Shloshim | Permitted |
| Simcha with only refreshments and no music | Permitted | Permitted |
Practical Examples
Example 1
A grandparent is within Shloshim and has a grandchild’s wedding. The grandparent may attend the Chuppah, eat at the meal, remain during music, participate in dancing, and wear Shabbos clothing.
Example 2
A grandparent is sitting Shiva and a grandchild’s wedding takes place. The grandparent may attend the Chuppah in certain circumstances if it is outside the wedding area, but may not attend the meal.
Example 3
A grandparent is within the year of mourning for a parent and a grandchild’s Bar Mitzvah takes place. The grandparent may attend, eat at the meal, and wear Shabbos clothing.
Example 4
A grandparent in Aveilus is invited to a grandchild’s Sheva Brachos meal. The grandparent may participate in the Sheva Brachos meal.
Example 5
A grandparent in Aveilus is invited to a grandchild’s Lechayim with a sit-down meal. Although a regular Avel may not attend such a meal, the grandparent may participate.
[1] Michaber and Rama 391:1-2; See Pnei Baruch 20; Nitei Gavriel 2 16-34; Introduction to volume 2 that there is much confusion in these laws and many rule to themselves Lihakel or Lihachmir without any sources or Shimush Chachamim; See there for the rules and guidelines of when one may be lenient and on what basis. This has been recorded throughout the Sefer,
[2] Rama 391:2; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Derech Hachaim; Chochmas Adam 166:2; Kitzur SHU”A 212:1; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 23 footnote 12
[3] Rama 391:3; Chochmas Adam 166:2
[4] The leniencies associated with relatives attending Simchas during Aveilus is based on two leniencies found in the Rama; 1) One may waiter at a Simcha, although may not eat at the meal. [Rama 391:3] 2) If the Simcha will be damaged if one does not attend, he may participate even in the meal. [Rama 391:2 regarding Yesoma] Depending on the relation, at times the second leniency applies [parents and grandparents] and at times it is debatable if the second leniency applies or if only the first leniency applies [siblings] and at times only the first leniency applies [other relatives] and at times no leniency apply. [not a relative]. The first recording of an allowance for relatives is brought in the Maharashdam 202; See Nitei Gavriel 16 footnote 10 and in his introduction for a lengthy discussion on this topic
[5] See Gilyon Maharsha 391 and 392 in name of Kneses Hagedola in name of Mabit 2:99; Igros Moshe 2:169; See Kinyan Torah 4:121; Nitei Gavriel 16:16-18 and Shut 1 p. 743-764; Pnei Baruch 20:10
[6] Nitei Gavriel 16:17
[7] See Aruch Hashulchan 391:5; 391:10; Zera Emes 3:169; Maharashdam 202; Gilyon Maharsha 391 in name of Kneses Hagedola; Gesher Hachaim p. 186; Igros Moshe Y.D. 2:171; Pnei Baruch 20:17 and Poskim in Pnei Baruch 20:20 footnote 49; Nitei Gavriel 16:5
[8] The reason: As it is their day of Simcha and the Chasan and Kallah will be saddened if they are not present. [Gesher Hachaim ibid]
[9] Other opinions: See Gilyon Maharsha 391 in name of Kneses Hagedola that he is not to eat by the meal
[10] Nitei Gavriel 16:5 footnote 7 in name of Poskim; 20:10 footnote 29
[11] Nitei Gavriel Teshuvah 1 based on Rama 391:3 regarding Shushvinin
[12] The reason: As they fall under the allowance of marrying off a Yasom, as brought in Rama 391:2. Now, although this allowance within Shloshim does not apply to an Avel of a parent even by a Yesoma, and even by other relatives it is a dispute, nevertheless this is certainly considered like a Davar Haaveid and even worse, and hence we permit it even within Shiva. [Igros Moshe ibid; Nitei Gavriel ibid]
[13] Nitei Gavriel 27:2 footnote 4 in name of Poskim; Gesher Hachaim 21; So rule regarding the nine days: M”A 551:10; Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 122:1; M”B 551:16
[14] Pashut, as rules Rama 391:2 as brought in Halacha A; Nitei Gavriel 27:1; Pnei Baruch 20:27
[15] Nitei Gavriel 27:3 based on Maharashdam 202 and Zera Emes 3:170, and following the same Heter that allows them to participate by the wedding.
[16] Rama 391:2 that the custom is for an Avel not to attend any meal and Rama 391:3 that this applies Min Hadin if Hasimcha Bimiono will be mentioned by the meal; Taz 391:5; Shach 391:7; Aruch Hashulchan 391:14; See Nitei Gavriel 17:8-12
[17] Nitei Gavriel 17:9 based on Maharashdam 202 and Zera Emes 3:170, and following the same Heter that allows them to participate by the wedding.
[18] Nitei Gavriel 24:5 in name of Daas Kedoshim 391:4
[19] Aruch Hashulchan 391:10-11; Nitei Gavriel 23:21-22 based on Shaareiy Teshuvah 5513 and Ashel Avraham Tinyana 551 and
[20] Aruch Hashulchan 391:10; Zera Emes 3:168; Pnei Baruch 20:26 in name of Poskim; Nitei Gavriel 26:9