One may not verbally harass or offend another Jew using words.
Onas Devarim-Hurting another with words:[1]
- The law:[2]
Just as there is a [Biblical] prohibition against oppressing another in business [by cheating him] so too there is a [Biblical] prohibition against oppressing [i.e. insulting, offending, etc] someone with words.[3] [This prohibition is listed as part of the 365 negative commands.[4] The reason for this prohibition is because G-d desires that people live harmoniously, and peacefully.[5] One who transgressed the above prohibition and offended his friend with words, transgresses a negative command.[6] Nonetheless, he does not receive lashes as it is a transgression without action.[7]]
The severity: Oppressing another with words is even worse than oppressing him monetarily [through cheating him].[8] A victim of verbal insult who cries to Hashem is immediately answered.[9]
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Think before your speak…and type-Abstaining from offensive statements in social media interaction: Based on the above prohibition, one must be very careful when speaking with another person that he does not express any words that he assesses that can offend or insult the other person. This especially applies in social media when people often don’t feel the intimidation that would normally be present when someone is in front of you, and certainly when one can hide behind anonymous names. One must be very careful that his comments are worded properly so they don’t offend someone, and must be especially careful not to outright attack someone in his comments. It is most puzzling and upsetting to see that there exists websites that are run by religious Jews which allow users to comment with offensive and derogatory remarks, and most certainly they and the commentators transgress the above prohibition, or at least the prohibition of Lifnei Iver Lo Siten Michshol.
Some suggestive guidelines for avoiding possibly offensive comments: 1. When in doubt do without: If you are unsure whether your comments will be taken offensively, then better avoid them all together, unless the matter is of necessity to bring up, in which case it is to be weighed carefully. You don’t have to respond and comment on every post, especially if it may come in the expense of transgressing a Biblical command. 2. Rethink your words several times before posting. 3. Avoid using targeting language such as “You,” and rather simply state your point in the affirmative. For example, rather than saying “You are wrong”; “It seems evident you don’t know how to read.”; “You are making things up”; keep out the “you” and simply state your point such as “I believe the correct approach is” or “It is clear from the article that.” These subtle but necessary changes in one’s comment can make a world of a difference to the person who it was intended for. It encourages civil dialogue, and avoids battles of the egos.
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- Who?
The above prohibition applies to both men and women, and applies against insulting either a man or a woman.[10]
Wife:[11] One must be very careful not to oppress his wife, not to cause her pain with words.[12] G-dly retribution for oppressing one’s wife is quick to come.[13] A person is to be very careful with his wife’s honor as the blessing of the home of a man is only found due to the wife. Chazal[14] stated to their generation “Respect your wives in order to become wealthy.”
Children:[15] The prohibition of Onas Devarim applies even against insulting or verbally oppressing one’s children, more than necessary for the sake of Chinuch.
A non-G-d fearing Jew:[16] Some Poskim[17] rule it is only forbidden to verbally oppress people who are G-d fearing while those who are not G-d fearing, there is no unique prohibition for them to be verbally oppressed.[18] [Other Poskim however make no distinction in this matter, and so is implied to be the opinion of Admur that the prohibition applies against verbally oppressing all Jews.[19] According to all, those who are defined as Tinokes Shenishbu may not be verbally oppressed under the above clause.[20] Likewise, according to all, the above does not mean that one is permitted or encouraged to verbally oppress a non-G-d fearing individual, but that simply doing so is not included in the above unique prohibition.]
A gentile: Some Poskim[21] rule that the prohibition of Onas Devarim does not apply against verbally oppressing a gentile. [The above does not mean that one is permitted or encouraged to verbally oppress a gentile, but that simply doing so is not included in the above unique prohibition.]
One who insults himself:[22] Some Poskim[23] rule it is permitted to verbally oppress people who oppress themselves. [This means to say that it is permitted to verbally oppress a person who outwardly embarrasses himself without care.[24]]
Insulting and offending a person who insulted you:[25] It is forbidden to verbally oppress/offend/insult even a person who insulted you. [Nonetheless, this only applies in general that one may not freely oppress him. However, in the midst of the person hurling the insults, it is permitted to answer him back even with some wrath.[26] Nonetheless, it is best to ignore such a person or answer him calmly and softly.[27] Indeed, on this Chazal state that one who hears his insults and does not respond is given great reward in the future.[28]]
The scriptural punishment for oppressing an orphan
Question:
Is it true that someone who oppresses an orphan is cursed by Scripture to also become an orphan? My kid came home saying that kids in his class were picking on a certain boy who does not have a mother, and one of his classmates said that they have to be careful as the Torah says that one who does so is cursed to become an orphan himself
Answer:
Yes, it is absolutely true that the Torah explicitly states that one who oppresses a widow or orphan and they scream out to Him in their pain than God will get angry and punish the perpetrators by R”L making their own wives into widows and their own children into orphans.
Sources: See Mishpatim 22:21-23; Mefarshim ibid [Rashi, Ramban, Even Ezra, Keli Yakar]
Question:
Is it permitted for one to mention regarding a person who is a convert that he is a convert? Is this considered Ona’as Devarim, to be oppressing another Jew especially a convert?
Answer:
It depends on the situation and on the intent. In general, there is nothing wrong with mentioning regarding a person who converted that he is a convert, and we thus find in the Talmud and other Jewish literature the mentioning of certain individuals as converts, and certainly they were not guilty of oppressing a convert by doing so. Furthermore, it is important for a women’s conversion lineage to be known for purposes of marriage, so she does not marry a Kohen and the like. However, if one’s intent in mentioning the person’s conversion status is to belittle him in any way then obviously this is forbidden due to Onas Devarim. Thus, for example, if you disagree with an opinion of a convert on a certain Jewish matter and you tell him that you’re just a convert and therefore your opinion is less worthy, then certainly one would transgress. Likewise, in a situation that you assess that the convert may be offended by you mentioning it in front of him then certainly you should not do so.
Sources: See Admur Hilchos Onah 28 “What is considered oppressing words?… With intent to embarrass him…. It goes without saying that if he mentions disparaging words of his past such as to mention to a Baal Teshuvah “remember your original ways” and if he is the son of a convert don’t say to him “remember the actions of your ancestors”; Michaber C.M. 228:4; Mishneh Shabbos 88b
[1] See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Onas Devarim p. 344
[2] Admur Hilchos Onah 27; Michaber C.M. 228:1; Bava Metzia 58b
[3] Admur ibid; Michaber ibid; Mishneh Bava Metzia 58b
The reason: As the verse [Vayikra 25:17] states “Velo Sonu Ish Es Amiso Vayareisa Meielokecha”, this verse refers to oppressive words. [Admur ibid; See Smeh 228:1; Bava Metzai ibid]
[4] Sefer Hamitzvos of Rambam Mitzvah L.S. 251; Chinuch Mitzvah 338; Semag Lavin 171
[5] Chinuch ibid
[6] Chinuch ibid
[7] Chinuch ibid
[8] Admur ibid; Michaber ibid; Rebbe Yochanon in Bava Metzia 58b
The reason: As when one cheats another he can pay him back and hence undo the damage done however oppressive words can never be equalized or be undone. Likewise, [one cannot compare] an oppression to one’s money to an oppression to one’s body. [Admur ibid; Michaber ibid; Rebbe Yochanon ibid]
[9] Admur ibid; Michaber ibid; Rambam Mechira 14:18
The reason: As he contains pain in his heart and is close to shedding tears. [Admur ibid; see Smeh 228:2; Rashi Bava Metzia 59b] And Chazal state that all the gates are closed except for the gate of verbal oppression. [Bava Metzia 59a-b and Rashi ibid]
[10] Chinuch ibid
[11] Admur Hilchos Onah 32
[12] Admur Hilchos Onah 32; Michaber 228:3; Rav in Bava Metzia 59a
The reason: Since she is easily brought to tears, the G-dly retribution for verbally oppressing one’s wife is quick to come. [Admur ibid; See Michaber ibid; Gemara ibid] A woman has a sensitive nature and can be brought to tears with minor suffering, and Hashem does not close the gates to tears. [Smeh 228:5]
[13] Admur ibid; Smeh 228:5
The reason: Since she is easily brought to tears, the G-dly retribution for verbally oppressing one’s wife is quick to come. [Admur ibid; See Michaber ibid; Gemara ibid] A woman has a sensitive nature and can be brought to tears with minor suffering, and Hashem does not close the gates to tears. [Smeh 228:5]
[14] Bava Metzia ibid
[15] Chinuch ibid
[16] Rama ibid
[17] Opinion in Rama ibid; Bava Metzia 59a; Nimukei Yosef Bava Metzia ibid; Rav Chanina Bar Idi Bava Metzia 59a; Bach 228 in name of Mordechai; Yireim 120
[18] The reason: As the verse states “Lo Sonu Amisecha” which refers to a friend that is with you in observing Torah and Mitzvos. [Smeh 228:4; Bava Metzia ibid]
[19] Admur ibid and Michaber ibid make no mention of such an exemption, hence explicitly omitting the ruling of the Rama ibid; See also Michaber 228:6 and Admur ibid 12 that the prohibition of Geneivas Daas applies even towards a gentile; See Biur of Rav Perlow on Rasag L.S. 82-83
[20] Shevet Halevi 5 Kuntrus Hamitzvos 51
[21] Implication of Michaber C.M. 227:26 and 228:1 that just as the monetary laws of Onah do not apply towards a gentile, so too the prohibition of Onas Devarim; Implication of Chinuch Mitzvah 338 “Not to oppress a Jew with words”; Bach C.M. 228:6; Pirush of Rav Perlow on Rasag L.S. 82 in understanding of Rambam; Shevilei David 8
[22] Rama ibid; omitted in Admur ibid
[23] Opinion in Rama ibid; Nimukei Yosef Bava Metzia ibid
[24] Smeh 228:4; Beir Heiytiv 228:1; Nesivos Hamishpat 228:1
The reason: As “Amisecha” refers to normal people who care about their dignity. However, those who don’t care about their dignity are not part of the norm included in the term “Amisecha” and hence do not have this prohibition pertaining to their verbal suffering. [Smeh ibid]
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule this to means that if one verbally oppresses you, then you may verbally oppress them back. [Opinion brought in Smeh ibid who negates this explanation] Other Poskim rule that this statement of the Rama is a continuation of his previous statement regarding one who is not G-d fearing. [Olas Shabbos, brought in Smeh ibid, and negated by Smeh]
[25] Smeh ibid
Other opinions: Some Poskim learn in Rama ibid that if one verbally oppresses you, then you may verbally oppress them back. [Opinion brought in Smeh ibid who negates this explanation; Yireim 180]
[26] Chinuch ibid; See also Admur Hilchos Nizkei Guf that one may even hit someone who is verbally abusing him, if he has no other option
[27] Chinuch ibid
[28] Shabbos 88b