4. Greetings-An Avel greeting others and being greeted by others:[1]

It is forbidden for a mourner to greet[2] people.[3] [See Q&A for exact definition!] It is likewise forbidden for others to greet the mourner, as will be explained in B. The severity of this prohibition lessens as the days of mourning pass, as will be explained:[4]

First three days of mourning:[5] Throughout all seven days of Shiva the Avel may not inquire the wellbeing of any person. If a person who is unaware of his state of Aveilus [or does not know the law[6]] greets him, then during the first three days [of Shiva] he should not reply to his greeting and is rather to inform him of his state of mourning. 

Between four and seven days:[7] After the first three days [of Shiva], up until the end of Shiva on the seventh day, the Avel may still not inquire the wellbeing of any person, although if a person who is unaware of his state of Aveilus greets him, he may reply to their greeting.[8]

After Shiva until Shloshim:[9] After the Shiva, the Avel may inquire the wellbeing of any person.[10] However, after the Shiva until the Shloshim, others may not greet him.[11] If others do greet the Avel, he may answer to the greeting. [Likewise, if one is greeted by the Avel, he may return the greetings.[12] Practically, many are lenient today to greet the Avel after Shiva, even within Shloshim, with greetings that do not contain the word Shalom.[13]]

After Shloshim until 12 months:[14] After the Shloshim, the Avel is considered like any other person and may be greeted. However, this only applies to one who is an Avel for relatives other than one’s parents. If, however, one is an Avel for one’s father or mother, although he may greet others beginning from the conclusion of Shiva, nevertheless others may not greet him until after 12 months.[15] [If, however, others do greet him he may answer to the greeting. Likewise, if one is greeted by the Avel, he may return the greetings.[16]] Today, however, many are lenient in this matter and permit to greet all Aveilim [even one who is an Avel after his father or mother[17]] once the Shloshim has passed.[18] [One however is to only be lenient regarding saying good morning and other greetings of the like, however not regarding the words “Shalom Aleichem.”[19]]

Farewell greetings to the comforters:[20] If many people have come to comfort the mourners, the mourners may respectfully part with them by saying “Go to your houses in peace/Lechu Lebeischem Beshalom.”[21] [This applies even within the first three days of Aveilus.[22]]

Shabbos and Yom Tov-People greeting Avel:[23] Those areas that are accustomed to greeting an Avel on Shabbos [and Yom Tov], may do so.[24] [This applies even during Shiva. Many places however are accustomed to being stringent within the Shloshim, not to greet the Avel even on Shabbos, and hence avoid meeting the Avel in order so it not be Aveilus in public.[25] Some[26] rule that even in such places, one may nevertheless wish the person a Gut Shabbos. Practically, one may be lenient.[27]]

Shabbos and Yom Tov – Avel greeting people:[28] The Rambam rules that an Avel may greet all people on Shabbos [and Yom Tov, and so is the practical ruling[29]].[30] [One may answer the greeting of the Avel even if he is generally accustomed not to greet the Avel on Shabbos.[31]]

Summary: Avel greeting others: It is forbidden for a mourner to greet people throughout Shiva. If a person greets him, he may reply to their greeting after three days into Shiva. After the Shiva, the Avel may inquire the wellbeing of any person. It is permitted for the Avel to greet others on Shabbos and Yom Tov, even within Shiva. Greeting the Avel: Until the Shloshim, one may not greet the Avel. After the Shloshim the custom is to permit greeting the Avel, even if he is an Avel for a parent. One is however to only be lenient by an Avel of a parent regarding saying good morning and other greetings of the like, however not regarding the words “Shalom Aleichem.” It is permitted to greet an Avel on Shabbos and Yom Tov, unless their custom is to be stringent. Q&A What is defined as a greeting? Some Poskim[32] rule that only statements which include the word Shalom are defined as a greeting, and hence greetings such as good morning and the like are permitted. Other Poskim[33] rule that any greeting is defined as a greeting even if it does not include the word Shalom. Practically, one is not to recite any greeting, even if it does not contain the word Shalom.[34] This prohibition includes the following phrases: · Shalom · Good morning · How are you · Hello · Hi Nodding head:[35] It is permitted to nod one’s head as a greeting.[36]  However some Poskim[37] are stringent. Shaking hands:[38] It is permitted for the Avel and others to shake hands, such as upon greeting each other with a blessing of Mazal Tov, or upon comforting the mourner and the like.  May an Avel be congratulated for a Simcha or congratulate others for their Simcha?[39] A mourner may say Mazal Tov/Congratulations to his friend upon the occasion of a Simcha. Likewise, others may wish him Mazal Tov on occasion of a Simcha that he has.[40] May an Avel give a blessing to others and may he be blessed by others?[41] Yes. May an Avel thank visitors for coming? Yes.[42] He may likewise say Yasher Koach to the visitors. Wishing good Shabbos and good Yom Tov: As stated above, on Shabbos and Jewish holidays, the mourner may wish someone “Good Shabbos/Shabbat Shalom,” and the like. One may likewise greet a mourner with the same expressions unless he is accustomed to being stringent. May an Avel during Shiva say Shalom Aleichem in the Nussach of Kiddush Levana?[43] No. May an Avel write a letter or have a letter written to him which contains greetings?[44] This follows the same law as an oral greeting, as stated above. May non-mourners exchange greetings in the Shiva home? Some Poskim[45] rule that greetings are not to be exchanged in the Shiva home even by non-mourners, amongst each other, [and they are hence not to greet each other with Shalom, or good afternoon and the like]. May an Avel greet a relative, and may relatives greet an Avel during the period of restriction?[46] Some Poskim rule it is permitted for relatives to greet each other during their Aveilus periods, such as a husband and wife, or parent and child, as it is done out of courtesy and not out as a sign of affection.

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[1] Shulchan Aruch chapter 385; Chochmas Adam 165:12; Kitzur SHU”A 210:6; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 1 107 and Vol. 2 11; Pnei Baruch 16:10-14

[2] Literally “Sheilas Shalom/Ask peace”

[3] Michaber 385:1; Moed Katan 15a

[4] Michaber ibid; Moed Katan 21b

[5] Michaber 385:1; Moed Katan 15a

[6] Nitei Gavriel 107:1

[7] Michaber ibid; Moed Katan ibid

[8] Although by Tishe Beav we rule that one is to answer back quietly and in a mournful tone, seemingly by an Avel after three days we are more lenient. [Nitei Gavriel 107 footnote 1]

If the person knows he is an Avel: If one greets the Avel despite knowing that he is an Avel, some Poskim rule he is not to be answered at all, even after three days. [Daas Torah 385 in name of Imrei Baruch; See Pnei Baruch 16 footnote 28]

[9] Michaber ibid; Moed Katan ibid

[10] The reason: As they are found in a peaceful state. [Michaber ibid]

[11] The reason: As he is not found in a peaceful state.

[12] Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 11:4

[13] See Rama ibid regarding 12 months [brought next] and Aruch Hashulchan 384:1 that people are lenient even within Shloshim; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 11:6

[14] Michaber ibid; Moed Katan ibid

[15] Michaber ibid; Moed Katan ibid; See Tzitz Eliezer 8:33 regarding why this does not contain Lifnei Iver

[16] Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 11:4

[17] Shach 385:1

[18] Rama ibid; Taz 696:3; Beir Heiytiv 385:2; P”M 696 M”Z 3; Kitzur SHU”A 210:6; See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 11:5 footnote 9 and 13

The reason: There is no basis behind their custom unless one differentiates and says that the greetings of today are not considered like the greetings of back then. [Rama ibid] This, however, is not a justifiable reason, as according to this reason one should be able to greet the mourners even within Shloshim, and we have not found any Posek who is lenient in this matter. [Shach 385:2; See also M”A 554:21; Rav Akiva Eiger 385:1] Some Poskim however justify this custom based on the fact that majority of today’s greetings do not involve saying the word Shalom but rather simply good morning and the like, and these greetings are not prohibited under Sheilas Shalom. [Beir Heiytiv 385:2 and Gilyon Maharsha ibid based on Admur 89:3 and Beis Yosef in name of Riy; Likewise, the Darkei Moshe 89 states that it is only considered Shalom if one mentions Hashem’s name] This allowance however only applies after the Shloshim. [See Elya Raba O.C. 554:20; See Q&A!]

[19] Elya Raba O.C. 554:20; Leket Yosher p. 110; See Beir Heiytiv 385:2 in previous footnote! See Chochmas Adam 165:12; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 11:6 footnote 10-11 and 13

Other opinions: Some Poskim argue on the above leniency and rule that all forms of greetings are forbidden. [Shach 385:2; M”A 554:21; Lechem Hapanim 343:2] Practically the custom is to be lenient. [Nitei Gavriel ibid]

[20] Rama 385:1; Nemukei Yosef; Hagahos Maimanis; Mordechai; Chochmas Adam 165:12; Kitzur SHU”A 210:7

[21] The reason: As he is doing so out of respect of the public, and greetings of such nature are permitted. [Rama ibid]

[22] Gesher Hachaim 21:7-3

[23] Michaber 385:3; Chochmas Adam 165:14; Kitzur SHU”A 210:8; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 11:10

[24] If one who is accustomed to greeting Aveilim on Shabbos visits a different community for Shabbos, he may greet the Aveilim of that community. [Shach 385:4 based on Yerushalmi and Poskim that Rav Oshiya Raba greeted the Aveilim of a different community despite not knowing their custom.]

[25] Gesher Hachaim 21:7-4

[26] Nitei Gavriel 107:6 footnote 7 as it’s not really a Sheilas Shalom and avoiding doing so appears like public mourning.

[27] Makor Chaim 696; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 11:10

[28] Michaber 385:3; Chochmas Adam 165:14; Kitzur SHU”A 210:8; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 11:9

Other opinions: The Maharil did not wish Good Shabbos to any of the congregants when he was in Aveilus. [Maharil Semachos]

[29] Derech Hachaim; Chochmas Adam 165:14; Kitzur SHU”A 210:8; Nehar Mitzrayim 124; Nitei Gavriel 107:5; 11:9; Pnei Baruch 16:12

[30] Michaber ibid; Tur; Kesef Mishneh

The reason: As this is included in the public matters of mourning that may not be kept on Shabbos. [Michaber ibid]

[31] Gesher Hachaim ibid

[32] Leket Yosher 110; See Beir Heiytiv 385:2 and Gilyon Maharsha [regarding after Shloshim], that good morning is not considered Sheilas Shalom, as can be learned from Admur 89:3 and Beis Yosef in name of Riy; Likewise, the Darkei Moshe 89 states that it is only considered Shalom if one mentions Hashem’s name; See Beir Moshe 4:100

[33] Maharam Shick 370; So rule regarding Tishe Beav: Elya Raba 554:20; P”M 554 A”A 21; Shaareiy Teshuvah 554:16; M”B 554:41; Kaf Hachaim 554:90

[34] Gesher Hachaim 21:7-5; p. 225; Betzeil Hachochmah 5:75; Nitei Gavriel 107:2; See Pnei Baruch 15 footnote 27

[35] Ritva Moed Katan 27b; Pnei Baruch 16 footnote 27; Nitei Gavriel 89:7

[36] Ritva Moed Katan 27b

[37] Salmas Chaim 422

[38] Har Tzevi 290; Pnei Baruch 16:14

[39] Gesher Hachaim 21:7-7; Salmas Chaim 4:134; Nitei Gavriel 89:2 and 107:3; Pnei Baruch 15:14

[40] The reason: As blessing a person is not considered Sheilas Shalom. [Poskim ibid]

[41] Poskim in previous Q&A

[42] Mateh Moshe Nichum Aveilus; Mavor Yabok Sefas Emes 34; Nitei Gavriel 89:7

[43] Shaareiy Ephraim ibid; Beis David 391 [Bistritzky; however see what he wrote in 376]; Nitei Gavriel Aveilus 37:11 and 107:8

[44] Rivivos Ephraim 5:557; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 11:7

[45] Aruch Hashulchan 385:4

[46] Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 11:8